BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – Well, folks, it finally happened. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, an all-men’s backyard cornhole league, has officially gone joined the rest of the world in a movement to be “more inclusive.” That’s right — what started as a weekly gathering of dudes pretending beer makes them better athletes has blossomed into something resembling a community. A deeply flawed and questionable community, but a community nonetheless.
Let’s start with the most shocking development: It’s not that women are playing. After all, we love women. Rather, it’s shocking that KP hosted without help from him wife, requiring him to have his kid present the entire time. Little G received a proper introduction to the league this week (despite being exposed little by little over the prior three seasons) as KP’s attempt at parenting, proving that nothing says quality father-son bonding like being ignored while dad hucks beanbags and shouts profanities after each missed toss.
Not to be outdone, Sean and Destiny (the curious, friendly neighbors with good vibes) brought their young daughter to the party too — further blurring the line between “backyard hangout” and “impromptu daycare run by people holding White Claws.”
But lest you think the league is going soft in its golden age, don’t worry — the unsavory energy is still STRONG. Case in point: Melissa. She’s seized the opportunity to represent women in the league but did so while sporting earrings that read “F*CK YOU” in big, bedazzled letters — we appreciate her nod to tradition, league values, and sportsmanship. Nothing says “welcome, ladies” like accessorizing with aggressive profanity dangling from your ears. No doubt, she’s one of us.
In summary:
- Inclusion? ✅
- Family-friendly? 🤷♂️
- Still busting balls and talking trash? ✅
- Melissa’s earrings? ICONIC ✅✅
Tune in next week, where we’ll either teach the kids how to keep score or let them judge foot fouls, only to be verbally abused by Bushie when they call him out.
GAME OF THE NIGHT
In a match that featured momentum swings and elite-level drama, Flowers and JV emerged victorious in a thrilling 21-19 finish against Kentucky Mike and Mike V. in Game 3.
It started hot for the Mikes, who jumped out to an early 6-1 lead, appearing locked in. But just as quickly as they rose, the wheels fell off — and Flowers and JV took center stage.
Over the next handful of rounds, Flowers and JV rattled off an eye-popping 18-3 run, flipping the game and flipping the bird to their opponents’ early confidence. JV caught fire, tallying 12 points during the run, carrying his squad like a man who knew he hadn’t scored this much in weeks. Flowers backed the effort with 6 solid points while tangling in a back-alley-style brawl with Kentucky Mike.
Suddenly, it was 19-9, and the cornhole obituaries were being drafted for Kentucky Mike and Mike V. But Mike V refused to quit — responding with three big points to cut the lead to 19-12, and then things ramped up.
From rounds 11 to 16, the match looked like it belonged on ESPN 8: The Ocho, with the four players combining to average 7.42 points per round.
- Round 11: Kentucky Mike scratched out a tight 8-7 win
- Round 12: Mike V followed with a 10-7 round, bringing the game to 19-16
- Round 13: Kentucky Mike exploded with a 10-7 win, nearly pulled off a four-bagger to walk it off. Still, he tied it up at 19-19.
Then came the thrilling finish.
- Round 15: Flowers delivered under pressure — a near-flawless 9-8 victory over Kentucky Mike that edged the score to 20-19, placing the fate of the match into the hands of JV and Mike V.
Now, if you’re a league regular, you know JV is a certified closer… or at least he was. The man’s been in a slump since his incredible performance at the Singles Tournament in early August, posting KPMs as low as the Detroit Tigers’ run output:
- 15.3 (Week 12)
- 13.3 (Week 14)
- 13.2 (Week 15)
But in Round 16, JV rediscovered the magic. He delivered 8 strong points, parking two bags so dangerously close to the hole they might be eligible for a restraining order. Excellent blockers, requiring a miracle from Mike V: a cornhole on the final bag to steal the win, anything else and its curtains for his squad. He loaded up, launched a slick-side missile aimed right between the blockers — and…plug. Came up short in an attempt to split JV’s bags for the game winner.
Final score: 21-19. JV and Flowers survive.
MUSHROOM STAMP MOMENT
Grandpa Dan was excellent this week, going 5-2 with an 18.7 KPM driven by 6.0 ppr, 86% accuracy and 1.3 cornholes per round. As good as he was for seven games, he was exceptional in Games 18 and 21, earning him this week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment. 
Let’s break it down:
- Game 18: Grandpa Dan went full backpack mode, averaging 9 points per round while carrying his team to a comfy 21-9 win. That wasn’t a game — it was a gentle spanking wrapped in a hug and delivered with Werther’s Originals in his pocket.
- Game 21: Grandpa Dan led all players with 6.7 points per round, but when the pressure mounted, Grandpa rose to the occasion, like he just popped Cialis. In his final three rounds, Dan averaged a scorching 8.3 points against Joe S. With the game tied at 20-20, Grandpa Dan proved age is just a number – and that number is 10, as in the 10-5 round he dropped on Joe S. in the clutch to seal a 21-20 victory.
This week’s box score is below.
| Week 16 Power Rank | Name | Week 16 Wins | Week 16 Losses | Week 16 Win % | Week 16 Saves | Week 16 Chokes | Week 16 Comebacks | Week 16 KPM | Week 16 Gross Points Per Round | Week 16 Toss Accruacy | Week 16 Cornholes Per Round | Week 16 Cornholes | Week 16 Cornholes Per Game | Week 16 Gross Points | Week 16 Gross Points Per Game | Week 16 Net Points For | Week 16 Net Points Against | Week 16 Net Points For Per Game | Week 16 Net Points Against Per Game | Week 16 Net Point Differential | Week 16 Foot Snags |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | KP | 4 | 2 | 67% | 3 | - | - | 23.1 | 7.1 | 80% | 2.0 | 74 | 12.3 | 269 | 44.8 | 107 | 84 | 17.8 | 14.0 | 3.8 | 0 |
| 2 | Kentucky Mike | 3 | 4 | 43% | 3 | - | - | 21.0 | 6.6 | 88% | 1.6 | 68 | 9.7 | 291 | 41.6 | 99 | 109 | 14.1 | 15.6 | (1.4) | 0 |
| 3 | Roger | 5 | 2 | 71% | 3 | - | - | 20.3 | 6.4 | 82% | 1.5 | 77 | 11.0 | 318 | 45.4 | 130 | 104 | 18.6 | 14.9 | 3.7 | 0 |
| 4 | Turley | 4 | 1 | 80% | 4 | - | - | 19.9 | 6.3 | 88% | 1.4 | 42 | 8.4 | 190 | 38.0 | 97 | 39 | 19.4 | 7.8 | 11.6 | 0 |
| 5 | Joe S. | 2 | 4 | 33% | 2 | - | - | 19.3 | 6.1 | 84% | 1.4 | 66 | 11.0 | 293 | 48.8 | 102 | 97 | 17.0 | 16.2 | 0.8 | 0 |
| 6 | Austin | 3 | 2 | 60% | 2 | - | - | 19.0 | 5.9 | 73% | 1.5 | 36 | 7.2 | 142 | 28.4 | 72 | 70 | 14.4 | 14.0 | 0.4 | 0 |
| 7 | Paul G. | 3 | 2 | 60% | 1 | - | - | 18.7 | 6.0 | 86% | 1.3 | 48 | 9.6 | 227 | 45.4 | 92 | 81 | 18.4 | 16.2 | 2.2 | 0 |
| 8 | Dan G. | 5 | 2 | 71% | 3 | - | - | 18.7 | 6.0 | 86% | 1.3 | 60 | 8.6 | 281 | 40.1 | 121 | 103 | 17.3 | 14.7 | 2.6 | 0 |
| 9 | Jake | 1 | 3 | 25% | - | - | - | 18.0 | 5.8 | 84% | 1.2 | 35 | 8.8 | 167 | 41.8 | 60 | 78 | 15.0 | 19.5 | (4.5) | 0 |
| 10 | JV | 4 | 1 | 80% | 2 | - | - | 17.3 | 5.5 | 80% | 1.2 | 37 | 7.4 | 177 | 35.4 | 92 | 72 | 18.4 | 14.4 | 4.0 | 0 |
| 11 | Mike R. | 4 | 2 | 67% | 3 | - | - | 17.0 | 5.4 | 75% | 1.2 | 53 | 8.8 | 238 | 39.7 | 108 | 104 | 18.0 | 17.3 | 0.7 | 0 |
| 12 | Flowers | 3 | 3 | 50% | 1 | - | - | 16.7 | 5.3 | 72% | 1.2 | 56 | 9.3 | 248 | 41.3 | 107 | 111 | 17.8 | 18.5 | (0.7) | 0 |
| 13 | Brent | 1 | 2 | 33% | - | - | - | 15.1 | 4.9 | 74% | 1.0 | 24 | 8.0 | 122 | 40.7 | 50 | 61 | 16.7 | 20.3 | (3.7) | 0 |
| 14 | Mike V. | 0 | 4 | 0% | - | - | - | 14.9 | 4.8 | 76% | 0.9 | 28 | 7.0 | 150 | 37.5 | 52 | 84 | 13.0 | 21.0 | (8.0) | 0 |
| 15 | Melissa | 3 | 2 | 60% | 2 | - | - | 14.5 | 4.7 | 76% | 0.9 | 28 | 5.6 | 156 | 31.2 | 83 | 75 | 16.6 | 15.0 | 1.6 | 0 |
| 16 | Craig F. | 1 | 5 | 17% | 1 | - | - | 13.7 | 4.4 | 60% | 1.0 | 39 | 6.5 | 174 | 29.0 | 78 | 114 | 13.0 | 19.0 | (6.0) | 0 |
| 17 | Ray D. | 1 | 2 | 33% | 1 | - | - | 12.9 | 4.1 | 61% | 0.9 | 12 | 4.0 | 58 | 19.3 | 34 | 44 | 11.3 | 14.7 | (3.3) | 0 |
| 18 | Coach Mike | 1 | 2 | 33% | - | - | - | 12.1 | 4.0 | 67% | 0.7 | 15 | 5.0 | 92 | 30.7 | 41 | 61 | 13.7 | 20.3 | (6.7) | 0 |
| 19 | Erik | 1 | 2 | 33% | 1 | - | - | 11.6 | 4.0 | 75% | 0.5 | 10 | 3.3 | 83 | 27.7 | 55 | 51 | 18.3 | 17.0 | 1.3 | 0 |
| 20 | Sean D. | 0 | 2 | 0% | - | - | - | 7.9 | 2.7 | 55% | 0.3 | 3 | 1.5 | 30 | 15.0 | 17 | 42 | 8.5 | 21.0 | (12.5) | 0 |
| 21 | Destiny D. | 1 | 1 | 50% | - | - | - | 7.6 | 2.6 | 45% | 0.4 | 4 | 2.0 | 28 | 14.0 | 23 | 36 | 11.5 | 18.0 | (6.5) | 0 |