BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – As is common on a drunken Thursday night at Bushie’s house, two more people lost their virginity…cornhole virginity, that is. Scotty and Brad joined the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in week 12, and Coach Mike wasted no time breaking them in with coaching, tough love and a little ass chewing.

Welcome fellas. We are happy to have you, and hope you continue showing up.

Game 15, featuring Mario and Nick vs. JV and JG, was the Game of the Night. Mario and Nick raced out to a 12-2 lead after 4 rounds when Mario outscored JG 5-0, and Nick outscored JV 7-2 during that stretch.

JV and JG are too good of players to go down without a fight, and the spectators knew a run was coming from this talented tandem. JG turned it on and JV kept Nick at bay, resulting in an 18-2 run over the next 4 rounds. In the blink of an eye, they had erased a 10 point deficit and turned it into a 20-14 lead.

The spotlight and pressure was now squarely on Nick’s shoulders as he faced off with JV, on the brink of a loss. Nick opened strong with back-to-back cornholes to shift some pressure back to JV. JV found the board with only one bag through 3 throws. His last toss was critical, and he missed the board again, leaving the door open for Nick to capitalize. When Nick sees an open, vulnerable hole, he stuffs it, and this time was no different. On his last toss Nick drained his third cornhole of the round, dropping a 9 on that ass to gain a +8 advantage and a stunning 21-20 victory.

Nick’s 9-1 advantage to close out the game also earns him his first Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) of the season.

News & Notes:

• Week 12 KPMs were off the charts! 6 players registered a KPM of 10 or higher in week 12. For context, prior to this week, there were only 9 other times this season when a player had a KPM of 10 or higher. Also, 3 players had a KPM of 13 or greater this week, which marks the first time all season anyone had a KPM over 13.
• We had five 10-point rounds in week 12, including JG doing it twice. Prior to this week, there were only 8 other times this season when a player had a 10-point round. We are still waiting for someone to record the elusive 12-point round.
• JV is still the league leader in the pants shitting department at 1 time. Gonna be tough to dethrone him.
• As mentioned, Brad and Scotty made their debuts this week. Scotty had a solid night, going 6-4 overall with a 6.1 KPM, 35% accuracy and 1.9 gross points per round. His numbers don’t blow you away, but just like his older brother, you can see the high ceiling of potential. His mechanics are good, but he needs more reps to find the consistency.
• Brad finished with a 2-5 record, 4.7 KPM, 23% accuracy and 1.4 gross points per round. He also earned bragging rights by recording two wins against his buddies, Scotty and Adam. Similar to Scotty, Brad has very good mechanics and a pretty left-handed toss. Keep showing up fellas, and the results will improve.
• Nick was a beast this week, posting the highest KPM of the season at 13.5. He was 62%, 4.1 gross points per round, and 0.78 cornholes per round on his way to a 5-2 record. He also added 2 foot snags, a 10-point round, and the MSM of the week. Nick jumped two spots in the power rankings, going from #7 to #5.
• JV was right on Nick’s heels for top KPM of the week, finishing at 13.4. His accuracy was a respectable 57%, but he dominated with 0.83 cornholes per round and 4.0 gross points per round. JV’s record didn’t reflect his stellar night, going only 3-3. But he played extremely well, and his losses were to top competition…the Game of the Night, as well as a loss against KP and Bushie, and Nick and JG. JV added 4 more foot snags this week to his league-leading season total of 30 foot snags.
• KP tallied the third-best KPM of the night at 13.3. He was the most accurate player of the night at 64%, scored 4.0 gross points per round and averaged 0.73 cornholes per round, helping him to a 6-2 record and overtaking JG for #1 spot in the power rankings. This marks the first time all year someone besides JG has held the #1 spot.
• JG had a night that would normally be worthy of the top player – 11.6 KPM, 55% accuracy, 0.65 cornholes per round and 3.5 gross points per round. He still had a great night, but those numbers produced only a 3-4 record given how well others were playing. JG still comes in at #2 in the season power rankings, so don’t feel too sorry for him.
• Coach Mike had a nice night, going 6-3 overall. His accuracy was way down compared to his normal standards, but the cornhole machine used his back-handed taint tickler to record 0.64 cornholes per round (50 total cornholes on the night, which was the most of all players) and 3.1 gross points per round, good enough for a 10.4 KPM. Despite the 6-3 record, Coach Mike fell one spot in the power rankings from #5 to #6.
• Bushie was the last of 6 players with KPM higher than 10, coming in with 10.0 on the nose. Bushie had an impressive 0.57 cornholes per round and 3.0 gross points per round. He also won his last 3 games of the night to close strong, finishing at 4-6 overall. Bushie’s highlight of the night may have been in Game 6 when he partnered with KP to beat Nick and JV, 21-13. Bushie outplayed Nick head-to-head in that game, outscoring him 12-10 including a 7-0 mark in the final round to win the game.
• Adam had perhaps his best night of the season going 50% from the field, 0.50 cornholes per round and 3.0 gross points per round. That was good for a 9.7 KPM. He finished 3-6, including 2 losses to Brad, but his individual performance continues to grow each week. Adam also snagged a week-high 7 foot snags and continues to cut into JV’s season-leading total. He sits in second place right now at 21 total foot snags.
• Mario had a nice night, going 2-2 overall with an impressive win in the Game of the Night. He was close to finishing 3-1 overall, but took a tough loss to Bushie and Coach Mike in Game 14 when he partnered with KP. He and KP squandered a 15-5 lead and lost 21-18 when they couldn’t close. Mario’s partner let him down…KP choked in the final round against Bushie, scoring only 3 points compared to Bushie’s 7, which clinched the game. Mario finished with a 6.2 KPM before departing to go stuff more holes.
• Joe finished with a 4.6 KPM and 1-4 record, but that 1 win was a big one. He partnered with Coach Mike in Game 3 and overcame a 15-7 deficit against Brad and KP, going on a 14-0 run in just 1.5 rounds to win the game, 21-15. Joe was an integral part of that run by producing 6 of the 14 points, outscoring KP 8-2 in his only turn during that stretch.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Rain threatened to cancel week 11, but a few committed soldiers rolled the dice anyway. Nick, Adam, Bushie and KP got through one game before a 30 minute rain delay. Paul, Adam, Bushie and KP then resumed play after the rain delay and finished 5 additional games.

Game of the Night was in Game 3, featuring Adam and Paul vs. Bushie and KP. Adam was on fire throughout the entire game, and neither team held more than a 3 point advantage throughout the entire game.

In the second to last round, the game was tied 19-19 when Paul buried a cornhole that looked like the game winner. Bushie had one last throw, needing a cornhole to negate Paul’s 3-pointer and extend the game.

Bushie, focused and full of Coors Light, toed the line and calmly delivered a perfect, end-over-end bag. His fourth throw found nothing but the bottom of the hole, erasing Paul’s cornhole and keeping the game tied at 19.

In the next round KP was able to outlast Adam by 2 points and secure a narrow win for Bushie and KP, 21-19.

The clutch throw by Bushie to cancel Paul’s game-winner and extend the match earns him this week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment. Congratulations to Bushie for earning his first MSM of the season!

News & Notes:

• No advanced stats were tracked this week due to threat of rain and the damage it would cause to the computer.
• In Game 6, Paul and Adam were victim to a bun run given by Bushie and KP. This is now the second time this season where Paul and Adam have partnered and received a 21-0 beat down. Paul also leads the league with most bun runs received this season (3).
• The regular season has featured 5 bun runs thus far, and KP has played a role in all of them. He has given 4 bun runs, and been victim to the bun run 1 time.
• It was a challenging night with wet boards and bags, which sometimes played slippery and other times were very sticky. KP held the top record on the night at 6-0, which is probably due to his experience going from slippery to sticky in a moments notice. Other records are as follows:

-Paul 2-3

-Bushie 2-4

-Adam 2-4

-Nick 0-1

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – Week 10 featured a small group due many players taking advantage of a few extra rest days during All-Star Weekend. But, week 10 also marked the return of Steve for the first time since the 2016 season, and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen also welcomes Marco, Coach Mike’s nephew, who made his debut this week.

Bushie, Coach Mike, Marco and Steve logged 6 “sanctioned” matches, as Bushie described. The “non-sanctioned” matches allegedly featured gambling and hookers. Of course these guys saved the cool shit for when everyone was gone.

The foursome played two round-robin rounds and had the following records on the night:

• Coach Mike – 5-1
• Marco – 3-3
• Bushie – 3-3
• Steve – 1-5

Stats and highlights were not released to the public, but enough info was leaked to know the Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) goes to Coach Mike for the second week in a row. In Game 5 Bushie and Steve had Coach Mike and Marco on the ropes, 20-14. Coach Mike buried 3 straight cornholes and hit the board with his fourth toss to cap an epic comeback and a 21-20 win. Congrats again on having the Mushroom Stamp Moment of the week, Coach.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The entire city of Novi was packed with excitement in the days leading up to the inaugural League of Extraordinary Gentlemen All-Star Weekend. A who’s who of cornholers took The Maples community by storm on Saturday afternoon, showing off their skills and creativity in four different challenges. The summary is below, and overall All-Star results are attached.

1) Cornhole Challenge – participants tried to knockdown as many cornholes as possible in 16 throws

Nick took home the Cornhole Challenge championship by outlasting JG in the final round. Nick registered the most cornholes in round 1 with 4, but JG came back strong in the semifinal round with 3 cornholes compared to Nick’s 2. Both survived and advanced to the championship round where Nick snuck by JG with 3 total cornholes compared to JG’s 2 cornholes. Nick is the season leader in cornholes per round and validated himself as the champion of this challenge.

2) Accuracy Challenge – participants tried to land as many throws on the board as possible in 16 throws (cornholes counted as missed throws)

KP was crowned the Accuracy Challenge champion, but it wasn’t easy. He was consistent through the first 2 rounds, advancing to the final round against Nick. After the first 8 throws the two were tied, making 5 of 8 throws. Nick led off the final 8 throws, making an impressive 6 bags on the board and putting serious pressure on KP. Nick set the bar high, but KP knew what he had to do…6 to tie, 7 to win. KP looked robotic as he calmly landed his first 5 throws on the board. Things got interesting when throw 6 missed, but KP hit the last two throws to finish 7/8 (12/16 overall in the final round), edging Nick out by one shot (Nick finished 11/16 overall in the final round). KP is the season leader in accuracy, and similar to Nick in the Cornhole Challenge, he proved his season ranking was not a fluke.

3) Foot Snag Challenge – participants tried to foot snag as many throws as possible in 8 throws from their partner

Paul won a controversial Foot Snag Challenge championship. He started in round 1 with an incredible 5 foot snags out of 8 throws, securing a spot in round 2. But Paul’s technique raised plenty of questions from several players, the most vocal of which was JV. JV accused Paul of not possessing the bag according to normal foot snag standards, which instantly reignited the rivalry between these two. JV licked his chops in round 2, hoping for a championship round showdown with his arch nemesis. Both players snagged 4 bags in round 2, advancing to face each other in the championship. JV went first in the final round and was only able to grab 1 foot snag. Paul, facing pressure to win the championship with legitimate foot snags, changed to a proper technique. Tied at 1 foot snag apiece and only a few attempts remaining, Paul calmly snagged his second bag to clinch the win over JV. Paul tossed the bag to the ground and yelled a few four-letter words at his opponent. JV didn’t like it and promptly shotgunned a Labatt Blue Light in disgust. JV is the season leader in foot snags, but Paul slayed the giant on this day.

4) H-O-R-S-E Challenge – participants used their creativity to knock out their opponents, similar to the game of hoops we played growing up

The H-O-R-S-E Challenge was quickly changed to the H-O Challenge when the group realized the event would take too long. Appropriately under the H-O format, Mario won the Challenge championship by beating JV in the final round. Kelvin, a friend of Mario’s, and John, a friend of JG and Scott, were arguably the most creative players in the entire challenge. Unfortunately in the winners bracket round Kelvin and John weren’t able to execute their own shots because they regularly had to answer other players’ shots, and sadly were eliminated. Mario incorporated serious athleticism into his shots, which ultimately was too much for JV to overcome. Mario also used his athleticism to beat Paul in the opening round to advance to the winners bracket. Mario jumped a tailgate chair and landed his shot on the board while doing so. Paul…well, I’ll let this picture tell the rest of the story.

Paul needed his Chuck Norris Action Jeans…they don’t bind your legs.

All participants received points in each challenge based on their placement. The participant with the most points after all 4 events was named the LEG All-Star MVP. The 2017 LEG All-Star MVP was JV, who didn’t win a single event, but finished second twice and third once.

JV celebrated MVP honors in style by prematurely drinking from the league championship cup. But if you know JV, he doesn’t give a shit about rules.

Congrats to JV on winning All-Star MVP honors, and congrats to Nick, Mario, Paul and KP for winning individual challenges. All 5 guys took home some very nice hardware.

We now begin the back half of the 2017 season, and the Road to the Cup…I got a blank space, baby. And I’ll write your name…

NOVI, MICHIGAN – For only the second time all season, and first since week 6, 5 of the top 6 ranked players all participated in the same week. JG, JV, KP, Nick and Coach Mike all descended upon Novi for a showdown with serious horsepower. A quick glance at the week 9 records for each person (standings and statistics attached) reveals only two players with records above .500, Paul (5-4) and KP (7-3). But, that’s because everyone beat the hell out of each other.

Dig deeper into the advanced metrics and it’s clear everyone brought their A game this week. All 5 players had a KPM of 10 or higher – as a reminder, this means they averaged accuracy of 55% or better, cornholes per round of .45 or better, and gross points per round of 3.2 or better.

To help put this in context, prior to week 9 there were only 4 occasions where a KPM of 10 or higher was posted, and in week 9 we had 5 different players achieve this.

Nick led the way with a ridiculous 12.9 KPM, the highest ever, while Coach Mike followed closely behind at 12.4, KP at 11.6, JG registered 10.2 and JV locked in at 10.1.

These 5 were a huge part of the week 9 story, but we also can’t forget the play of Paul and Mario, both of whom held their own and even upstaged some of the best players in the league at certain moments.

Game of the Night was a showdown between JV and Paul vs. Mario and KP in Game 10. KP came out red-hot, hitting 10 of his first 12 shots en route to outscoring Paul by 10 points over the first 3 frames. Mario played JV evenly during the same period, and Mario and KP took a commanding 11-2 lead.

In the middle stages of the match, JV elevated his game and Mario did his best to keep pace. Paul also negated KP’s accuracy by burying cornholes. By the seventh frame the game was dead-even at 16 apiece, after a 14-5 run by JV and Paul.

In the eighth frame JV and Paul pushed the lead to 19-17, as Mario and KP searched for the magic from earlier in the game. In the ninth frame KP knocked down a cornhole and registered his remaining 3 tosses on the board on his way to a 6-3 advantage over Paul, taking a 20-19 lead. KP had a chance to end the game with a cornhole on his last toss. He went hunting, but missed the kill shot.

That turned things over to Mario vs. JV, and Mario trying to gain a 1 point advantage to win the game. Mario had a respectable 2 points, staying aggressive on all 4 throws. But once again, JV was there in the clutch with 4 points, outscoring Mario 4-2 and clinching the game 21-20.

It was a hell of a match, with JV and Paul overcoming KP’s 4.4 gross points per round (40 gross points in 9 rounds) with key responses in timely moments.

This week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) goes to Coach Mike, who in Game 14 outscored the league’s #1 ranked player, JG, 10-0 in the sixth round to win the game. Coach Mike had the most cornholes (5) and gross points (26) in just 6 rounds, good for an average of 0.83 cornholes per round and 4.33 gross points per round, respectively. Nice Mushroom, Coach.

News & Notes:

• The week kicked off with a bun run when Paul & KP teamed up to blank JV and Mario, 21-0. Even crazier is Paul & KP closed the game out in just 4.5 rounds and only combined for 3 total cornholes.

Rules are rules, and the dynamic duo had to honor the bun run by stripping down, wearing coconut titties, grass skirts and the super gay leis. Special shout out to JV who honored the true spirit of the bun run by stripping down without hesitation. Looking good fellas.

• Paul’s KPM was average at 7.0, but his accuracy was respectable (45%) and his overall record was second-best of the night at 5-4. Paul also had a very loud moment in Game 15 when he faced off against JG in the top half of the tenth round, game tied 19-19. Paul outshined the #1 ranked player, 5-1, to clinch the game. Not only was Paul yuuuuuuuge in the clutch against a great opponent, but the win was a contender for Game of the Night. In this game Paul paired with Coach Mike to defeat JG and KP, the #1 and #2 ranked players, respectively.
• JV almost logged the first 12 point round of the season in the fifth round of Game 8 when he buried cornholes on his first 3 throws. His fourth throw had a beautiful right to left draw and looked good the entire way before narrowly missing. He had to settle for a 10 point round leading to a 21-11 win over Coach Mike and Nick. He averaged 5.3 gross points per round in this game and had 10 cornholes in just 6 rounds. JV had an impressive overall performance this week with a 10.1 KPM, 3 foot snags and probably 15 Labatt Blue Lights while smoking a Cuban cigar. He was…in rare form.
• Coach Mike also threatened to score a 12 point round, which led to his Mushroom Stamp Moment award. Again, he narrowly missed 4 straight cornholes and had to settle for a 10 point round. Coach Mike easily had his best week of the season – 58% accuracy, 3.7 gross points per round, 0.71 cornholes per round and once again led the week in total cornholes with 52 (a ridiculous average of 5.2 cornholes per game).
• Nick was the man this week, recording the highest KPM ever, which included 63% accuracy, 3.9 gross points per round, 0.71 cornholes per round and added 6 foot snags to demonstrate his versatility.
• Mario had an up and down night. He finished at 1-6, but the one win was a major statement when he teamed with KP to beat Paul and Nick, 21-17. He was victim to the tough loss in the Game of the Night, or else a 2-5 finish with the league titans present would have been very impressive. Mario reminded everyone about his foot snag skills, snagging 5 on the night. He is second overall in the league with 15 foot snags on the season.
• JG’s night looks pedestrian given what a few others did, but make no mistake about it, his performance is ordinarily good enough to be the top performer of the night. 57% accuracy, 3.2 gross points per round, 0.46 cornholes per game and a KPM of 10.2. That’s fourth best for the night? Crazy. JG went 5-5 on the evening, which was good enough to retain his season-long #1 ranking. 9 consecutive weeks at #1 ain’t bad.

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – First of all, I’d like to welcome Stephen Koinis to the distribution list, and also welcome back Chris King. Chris has been serving a suspension for violation of the league’s substance abuse policy, which is impressive given the amount of substance abuse allowed by this league. Anyway, his suspension is over and he’s eligible to play again.

Those of you who read the weekly recaps know JV is on thin ice after his last two weeks, which included shitting his pants and hitting KP in the head with a beer can during his fit of rage. We all expected strike three this week, but it didn’t happen. In fact, JV partially redeemed himself by cooking some incredible ribs for the entire group. Nice work JV!

Now back to the week 8 recap. This week’s story is all about Adam Rymill. Sure, Adam’s 4-6 record seems unimpressive compared to others, but when you dive deeper into the advanced metrics you’ll see Adam was on the cusp of a very good night. He was 53% accurate, averaged 2.8 gross points per round, and flashed his versatility with 4 foot snags on his was to a KPM of 8.5. If not for a low cornholes per round (0.32) Adam would’ve had a KPM near 9.

Adam showed his “clutchness” in Game 13 when he teamed with Bushie in a 21-11 loss to JV and Coach Mike. Yes, it was a blowout loss, but he was head-to-head against Coach Mike and in round 9 the game was on the line, 20-9. Coach Mike applied serious pressure by going 4-4 on his throws, and Adam responded by going 4-4 to extend the game. The deficit was ultimately too much to overcome, but this was another major moment of growth for Adam.

Adam is another perfect example demonstrating the value of the KPM. His 4-6 record was worse than Jack (4-3), but his KPM was higher than Jack’s (8.5 vs. 8.4, respectively). Adam also started 1-5 before finishing the night winning 3 of his last 4 games.

The Game of the Night was easy this week since most of the games were blowouts. In Game 4 JV and Bushie faced off against Coach Mike and Adam. This game had 23 total cornholes, with Bushie pacing the group with 7. JV and Bushie appeared to blow this one open in the middle rounds, going on a 15-5 run to turn a 1-1 tie into a 16-6 lead. JV was outstanding during the run, outscoring Adam 9-3 in their head-to-head match up.

Adam and Coach Mike kept battling, but still found themselves in a 19-11 hole late in the game. That’s when both players took their play to another level. In one round they flipped a 19-11 deficit to a 20-19 lead with Adam outscoring JV 6-1 and Coach Mike getting the better of Bushie 5-1. JV and Bushie were shaken, and clearly on the ropes after the momentum swing.

In the next round Adam and JV drew even, 2-2, before turning it over to Bushie and Coach Mike. Could Coach Mike close it out against his good friend? Not this time. Bushie nailed 3 of his 4 throws to earn a +2 advantage and he won the game 21-20.

Game 5 also had some crazy fireworks, despite the 21-10 final score. In round 5 Jack came to life with 3 cornholes on his way to a 9-1 advantage over Mario. Bushie (Jack’s partner) followed that up with 3 additional cornholes and a 10 point round in his half of round 5. If not for JV sinking 2 cornholes of his own to offset Bushie’s 10 points, this one could’ve been over. That’s 8 total cornholes in one round, which might be a record. Bushie and Jack turned a 5-4 deficit into a 14-5 lead, ultimately won going away, 21-10.

This week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) goes to JV, who in Game 2 used a 10 point round (including 3 cornholes) to win the game, and ended Game 2 with the most cornholes (7), gross points (33) and foot snags (2). If you’re wondering what the hell the Mushroom Stamp Moment is, it’s when one player exudes his dominance by slapping his proverbial dick on the rest of the players’ proverbial faces. JV did that in this game, and becomes the first ever recipient of the MSM.

 

News & Notes:

• JV was the KPM leader on the night at 10.2, marking the first week ever where KP was not the leader in KPM. JV hit 60% accuracy and was the leader in gross points per round at 3.3, and also added 5 more foot snags to his season-leading total (23). He finished the night 7-1 and has moved to #2 in the Power Rankings.
• Coach Mike was a stud this week. He was only slightly behind JV for top KPM, finishing at 9.8. He once again held top honors for most cornholes with 36 total, and also had a season high accuracy at 59%. His overall record of 6-4 doesn’t reflect how good he was this week.
• Jack recorded his season high KPM at 8.4 and topped the 50% mark for accuracy. Jack pushed his season record above the .500 mark with a 4-3 record this week.
• Bushie is the strangest case of the week. He tied Adam with a respectable KPM at 8.5, and tied Coach Mike for the weekly lead in total cornholes at 36. All other metrics were also near average, yet he finished the week 2-8, losing his last 7 games of the night.
• Mario continues to fight through moments of inconsistency, but he shows his value in cornholes. He was on pace with Adam and Jack for cornholes per game and per round, was better than KP in both of those categories, yet his accuracy (37%) brought him down. He finished 2-5 on the night with a KPM of 6.6. If Mario can get the accuracy into the mid-40% range, he’s going to make a move to the middle of the pack.
• It was another rough week for KP, finishing 5-3 overall. He dropped one spot in the Power Rankings from #2 to #3. But more concerning is the cornhole issue he has. Week 8 was a season low cornholes per game (1.8) and cornholes per round (0.19). At one point, KP had a 0.15 cornholes per round. Guys, that’s a ridiculous 1 cornhole every 28 throws. ONE CORNHOLE EVERY TWENTY-SEVEN THROWS! As a result, he had his lowest KPM of the year at 8.7, despite another accurate night (65%).

The unbalanced schedule created a night where JV and KP did not face off against one another, otherwise things could’ve been uglier for KP.

One last item of note is regarding the KPM. Previously you may recall the KPM formula was as follows:

• 50% weighting given to gross points per round
• 20% weighting given to cornholes per round
• 20% weighting given to accuracy
• 10% weighting given to net point differential

JV and I realized our formula was flawed and the net point differential was actually comprising more than 10%. So, we’ve modified the KPM to exclude net point differential, and the other three factors now drive the KPM. The prior week KPMs changed slightly, but not the overall result of who had top KPM, lowest KPM, etc. We’ve also established a baseline for the KPM, which is below. This should give you an idea of where you will stand based on performance in each individual category.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – LEG returned to Novi for the first time since week 4 (June 15), and the players were quickly reminded of how difficult an environment it is compared to The Friendly Confines of Beverly Hills (aka, Bushie’s house). Bushie has the Augusta National of backyards – beautiful flowers, luscious green grass and plants, asymmetrical stone and brick walkways, and fencing to keep the riffraff out. All of this contributes to a comfortable setting and pleasing depth perception, increasing accuracy. Meanwhile, Novi is completely exposed to the elements (wind, heat, dog shit, flying beer cans – more on that later) and that was evident all night. Throw accuracy was way down this week, with KP leading the way at 52% (he’s the league leader and is typically in the mid-60s%) and the remaining 6 players ranged from 23% – 37%. Gross points per round were also way down, with the weekly leader coming in at 3.0 (KP) compared to week 6 with 4 players at 3.3 points per round and higher. Despite some key statistics being “down” the competitiveness was still off the charts.

Game of the Night was extremely tough to choose this week, with 6 of the 12 games decided by 3 points or less. However, Game 12 was the choice, featuring Paul and Bushie vs. Coach Mike and JV. Things looked ugly after round 1 when JV outscored Paul 5-2 to take a 3-0 lead, and Coach Mike piled on to make it 6-0 with a 4-1 advantage over Bushie. But the battle was just beginning…Bushie outscored Coach Mike by 8 points over the next two rounds to close the gap to 10-8, followed by a 5-0 run by JV and Coach Mike to extend the lead to 15-8. In the late stages of the game, it was 15-12 JV and Coach Mike. JV had 2 bags on the board and had missed another throw. On his last toss, he knocked 2 bags in for cornholes while the third bag came to rest on the board. A yuuuuge 7 gross points on his way to outscoring Paul by 4 to up the lead to 19-12. Bushie responded again, outscoring Coach Mike the next 2 rounds, 8-0, and just like that the game was tied, 20-20. Paul and JV faced off, pressure mounting. Paul delivered a clutch cornhole, his first of the match, and two additional points claiming a 5-1 gross points advantage over JV with only 1 toss left for JV. He needed a cornhole and also had to knock one of Paul’s bags off the board to keep the game alive. His final throw was a cornhole, but it wasn’t enough as Paul held a 5-4 advantage, good for a 21-20 victory. An impressive comeback, with Bushie leading the way at 3.5 gross points per round and 6 total cornholes.

About those flying beer cans…take a wild guess who was behind this stunt? If you guessed JV, you guessed right. In Game 5 JV and Paul matched up against Bushie and Joe. This was a great game, and a candidate for Game of the Night, but that’s not why we are talking about it (Bushie and Joe won 21-19, by the way). JV was off to a rough start, hitting only 2 of his first 12 throws. After his 12th throw capped an 0-4 round, he turned to walk into the street while yelling, “Son of a BITCH!”. KP was innocently sitting in a chair between the 2 trees updating the scores (or lack of) from the round when all the sudden JV yells, “Oh no! KP!” Before KP could look up, WHAM! Smoked in the head by a beer can and beer pours all over the computer. What the fuck happened, you ask? Good goddamn question. Not only did JV walk into the street yelling, upset at his terrible performance, but he also blindly threw his beer into the air using a Kareem Sky Hook and the fucker traveled 20 yards, over a tree, split two trees and hit me in the goddamn head before dumping on the computer. “KP, you’re making this up,” you say? No. I’m not. This guy went 2 for fucking 12 looking at his target from 27 feet away. But he can blindly land a beer on my head with a sky hook? That’s strike 2 JV.

Perhaps the most entertaining moment of the night was in Game 4, when Coach Mike and Mario defeated Joe and KP, 21-18. Another great game, which included Coach Mike going HAM with 12 total cornholes. Joe and Coach Mike had a nice Italian head-to-head going on throughout the game, but it started right from the opening toss. In round 1 Joe had one cornhole only to be answered by a cornhole from Coach Mike. In round 2 Coach Mike narrowly missed another cornhole, but had a beautiful backstop on the hole with his bag partially hanging in the hole. On his next toss he used that backstop to make a cornhole and the impact with the hanging bag caused the that bag to also fall into the hole. A great play resulting in 2 cornholes, causing Coach Mike to exclaim, “Yeah baby! I just need a little cushion before I put it in the hole”. Challenge accepted. Joe promptly responded on his very next throw with a thunderous cornhole. He jarred this thing on the fly. It was opposite ends of the Italian hole penetration spectrum. The OG, doing it with finesse and a hint of romanticism, while the young Joe V.’s cornhole is like an airplane. It gives girls orgasms.

Other highlights of the night include:

• Bushie going an impressive 6-2 on the night, including the second best toss accuracy (37%) and second best KPM (6.0). Bushie rose to #6 in the power rankings after sitting at #11 last week;
• Mario was 2-5 on the night and experimented with a second version of his toss. The difficult conditions seemed to bother him a bit, but I think his lack of focus due to taking booty calls all night contributed to most of his struggles. Despite a poor record, Mario had losses of 21-18, 21-19, and 21-18. He very easily could’ve been 5-2. He was also part of an impressive 21-3 win over Bushie and Coach Mike;
• JV struggled to a 3-4 record, but did have the most cornholes per game (4.0) and added 4 foot snags to his season-leading total of 18;
• Paul was a respectable 3-3, trying to get the train back on the tracks after a few bad weeks in a row. Paul had a toss accuracy (31%) and gross points per game (1.9) consistent with Coach Mike, which is a good measuring stick. The numbers might not seem impressive, but the whole group was down this week. Paul’s scoring balance was much better this week, compared to previous weeks where he was cornhole or bust;
• Joe had some loud moments, including a very impressive 21-19 win over Paul and JV. But he also had some big losses that resulted in an overall record of 1-4. Joe has still only played 11 games on the year, so he’s searching for consistency with that toss;
• Coach Mike recorded the most cornholes in one game this week (a ridiculous 12), and also was the leader in total cornholes (33). Coach was 5-4 for the night, keeping him in the middle of the standings;
• KP was the weekly leader in toss accuracy (52%), cornholes per round (0.46), gross points per game (3.0), high round (10 gross points) and KPM (10.7). Most impressively, though, he recorded a week-high foot snags with 5. However, his cornhole rate is still too low and he dropped his first 2 games of the night before stringing together 4 consecutive wins to finish the night at 4-2

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – JV shit his pants. Guys. Seriously. He. Shit. His. Pants. I’m not talking about a bad fart. In Game 15, JV and KP were battling Bushie and Paul. At one end JV was head-to-head against Paul, and the normal trash talking between the two was audible for the entire neighborhood. But then, it went too far…JV assumed the Heisman pose and ripped a fart as Paul attempted a toss. It was a masterful distraction tactic, but Paul got the last laugh. Here’s the play-by-play as the “fart” exited JV’s b-hole:

JV: “I’ll be right back…”

At this point he penguin walks inside, assumingly diarrhea trying to scoot down his leg in this moment of panic. The guys go inside to refresh beers and here comes JV, climbing the steps from Bushie’s basement, holding his shitty boxers in one hand and free balling in basketball shorts. Game On! He’s ready to roll again.

The shit delay was short, but dramatic. Play resumed, and JV and KP promptly closed out their rattled opponents, 21-10.

That had to end the night, right? Oh no. JV played ANOTHER game commando. This time Paul had the last laugh, pairing with KP in a 21-11 win over JV and Bushie.

One might think this was the highlight of the night. It wasn’t. First, we had the Game of the Night (more on that later), and we also had yet another bun run.

Game 6 was the powerful tandem of JG and KP against Paul and Adam. It was an uphill battle for Paul and Adam from the beginning, but JG and KP were on another level in this one. KP hit nearly 60% of his throws, JG had 7 cornholes, and they closed it out in just 6 rounds, 21-0. Listen, bun runs are shameful. But this week, they were even more embarrassing thanks to Nick’s great idea to make any bun runners wear hula skirts, coconut titties and a super gay lei. Don’t worry, we took pictures of this…

Hellz yeah, titty city. Even coconut titties aren’t bad titties? Bushie was Mayor of Titty City, and as you can tell, he loved every minute of it.

The Game of the Night was in the opening match, Nick and Bushie squared off against Paul and JV. At one end of the boards was Nick vs. JV, while Paul and Bushie were head-to-head. Bushie started the match by hitting 3 of his first 4 throws, resulting in a 2-0 lead. In Nick’s half of Round 1, he added a cornhole as part of a dominating 4-0 round against JV. Before JV could shit his pants, it was already 6-0. Paul and JV chipped away at the lead, until Nick appeared to bust it open in Round 5 with an 8-1 domination against JV. However, Paul heated up and JV registered high round of the night with a 10 point answer in Round 6 to help close the gap (note: JG also registered a 10 point round in Game 14). In Round 8, the final round, JV and Paul combined to outscore their opponents by 4 points, staging an epic comeback in a thrilling game, winning 21-20. It was one of the best games of the season. Nick had 5 cornholes, JV answered with 7 total, Nick added 2 foot snags, JV had 1 foot snag, and we had huge momentum swings from round to round. Great game fellas. You set the tone for the night.

Other Highlights Include:

• Adam was 1-7 on the night. But something very important happened with Adam. In Game 11 he paired with KP to win 21-20 against Bushie and Paul. But Adam experimented with his toss, using a soft spinner that looked beautiful and immediately was more accurate. The stats show only 8 gross points for Adam in this game. But for those watching, it was a serious moment of growth. Seemingly half his throws painted the hole like a Peter North film. Adam, like JV, is a very good bowler. Adam, like JV, made a choice a few weeks into this season to experiment and change his throwing motion. JV is now winning 2 of every 3 games, and his toss accuracy is at 55%. I expect similar results from Adam after a few weeks with his new toss. Adam also added 4 foot snags.
• Bushie was playing very well before ending his night on a 4 game losing streak. He finished at 3-7, but the losing skid really hurt his KPM. Bushie had it going early in the night, and despite his fade at the end he still finished with a 46% toss accuracy for the night.
• Paul was 3-8 on the night, and almost received a diarrhea facial. He receives a “pass” just for that. But he was third in cornholes per game and tied for second in overall cornholes. Paul needs to get his accuracy up a bit, but his accuracy suffers some because of his aggressive style of play, always going for the hole. Not a bad way to live. In fact, I’m sure he’s going for the hole as we speak with the 21 year old girl who works in the Delphi café (he’s on a date).
• JV went 8-3, added 6 foot snags (he leads the league with 14 total), tied for high round of the night with JG (10 points, respectively) and registered an impressive 59% toss accuracy. Did I mention he also shit his pants?
• JG had his worst week of the season, going a terrible 7-3 (note my sarcasm). He was the second best King P*zzy Masher, so we’ll call him Prince P*zzy Masher. JG lead the week in cornholes with 49 (4.9 per game), and was second in virtually every other statistic. The top dog stays at the top, excluding Jimmy, who made a one game appearance and then peaced out after winning. Until Jimmy shows up more, we won’t acknowledge his 100% winning percentage.
• Nick went 1-2, but this is where the advanced metrics tell the real story. Nick lead the week in gross points per round (4.3), toss accuracy (66%), cornholes per round (0.84) and cornholes per game (5.3). Does it matter he went 1-2? Sure, ultimately only wins and losses matter. But this guy is good. Really good.
• KP went 8-2 this week, and was the King P*zzy Masher at 10.5 KPM. He was second in points per round (3.5), second in accuracy (65%), and lead the week in gross points per game (29.1). KP has to get the cornhole rate up. He averaged 3.8 per game (0.46 per round), which isn’t terrible. But his accuracy combined with an uptick in cornhole rate would make him a threat to JG, Nick and JV game in and game out.

My apologies for the long email. I blame JV and his poopy pants. But, if you didn’t enjoy the read, you probably shouldn’t celebrate July 4 because you’re un-American.

Happy July 4 my bruthas. Be safe and enjoy the holiday. ‘Merica!

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – What a fucking week!!! We had competitive games, a rain delay, Coach Mike serving rounds of shots, post-rain delay warriors gutting out games in the driveway under the lights, and the inaugural roll out of the advanced cornhole metrics.

That’s right folks, we’re now stats on steroids…or at least trying to be. In addition to the normal metrics we’ve historically tracked, we began tracking the following metrics in week 5 (on a limited basis because the rain killed use of computers and the Coach Mike shots killed our motor skills):

• Total Cornholes (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Round (weekly and cumulative)
• Toss Accuracy (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Round (weekly and cumulative)

These metrics are designed to provide a better measure of individual power rankings, where our previous metrics were strictly focused on team play. Now, we have a balance of both worlds.

With help from JV, our resident mathematician, the ultimate metric was created from all of this…KPM. Call it the KP Meter, Kornhole Power Metric, King P*zzy Masher…whatever your definition, the purpose is to combine key statistics into one focal point to measure one’s value.

The formula is as follows: (50% weighting for Gross Points Per Round) + (20% weighting for Toss Accuracy) + (20% weighting for Cornholes Per Round) + (10% weighting for Point Differential).

The KPM is also a weekly and cumulative metric. Hopefully you guys enjoy this. We are always taking suggestions for additional statistics, so speak up!

Back to the games – the game of the night was under the lights in Game 11, featuring JV and JG against Bushie and KP. All 4 players were hot all night, and this match up was no different. Neither team could escape the other, and in the late rounds it was a 19-18 advantage for JV and JG. That’s when JV showed his killer instinct. Facing off against KP, he needed a big round to hold of the threat of a comeback. JV found cornholes in his last two throws, clinching the game and preventing any sort of comeback from KP.

Game of the night was a very tough decision since 8 of the 16 games were decided by 5 points or fewer. Game 7 was a monumental battle between JG and Paul and Adam and Mario. JG and Paul pulled it off 21-17, but Adam hung tough and exchanged blows with JG round after round. It was a very impressive performance given Adam was making his first appearance of the season.

A few other highlights:

• JV had the highest scoring round of the night with 8 points, on his way to a 6-1 record and third-highest KPM on the night. He now sits in 4th place overall based on winning %, but has a very nice 15-9 record;
• JG took a few weeks off but continued his dominance, going 6-1 and now has a stranglehold on first place with his 11-2 record. He had the second highest KPM, tied for first in cornholes per round, and was one of two players to have a toss accuracy of 50% or greater;
• Bushie had a respectable 3-5 debut to his 2017 season, and was the top performer in cornholes per game. He also had a very nice toss accuracy at 44%;
• Adam made his debut, and although his record was 0-3, Adam’s play was strong. He was in the top half of the group in Gross Points per Game and also had a very nice 3.5 cornholes per game

Sorry I can’t mention everyone, but it was a very big week with 11 players coming out. That’s a great turnout given the rain we battled. Thanks to everyone who came.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Any time Nick has 20 points and the lead, the opponent usually has a remote chance of pulling out a victory. When those are the circumstances and Coach Mike is Nick’s partner, the probability of a win is 99%. In Game 4, Nick and Coach Mike had Mario and KP on the ropes, 20-16. KP and Mario battled all game, including regular deficits hovering near 7 points throughout. However, momentum was swinging with a mini-run late in the game, and KP looked like Kevin Durant in the NBA Finals. In his last round, KP turned a 20-16 deficit into a 21-20 lead. He had one throw left, and Coach Mike also had one final throw after KP. KP knew one bag on the board would likely clinch it, requiring Coach Mike to make a cornhole to extend the game. KP’s last toss looked great, in the middle of the board…until it wasn’t. The last bag found the board, but continued sliding, barely knocking another bag off the board as his last toss also slipped off the back and to the ground. A 21-20 lead just became a 20-20 tie. Coach Mike missed the board with his last throw, leaving the game deadlocked at 20. Nick closed the game out on his next turn against Mario. 21-20, Nick and Coach Mike escaped. It was a disappointing loss for KP and Mario, while Coach Mike and Nick knew they were fortunate to register a “W”.

Game 4 above was one of three games on the night that were decided by 4 points or fewer. Nick was involved in all three games, going 2-1 in that stretch on his way to a 4-1 overall record. His only loss was a partnership with JV in a 21-18 fistfight against Coach Mike & KP in Game 3. Coach Mike and KP powered their way to a 15-0 lead, with Coach Mike negating Nick at one end, and KP dominating JV at the other. However, Nick & JV kept swinging, looking like Rocky I…and II, and III, and IV, and V…in the late rounds. They went on their own 19-3 run to take a 19-18 lead. The run was aided by incredible back-to-back foot snags by JV. KP showed his grit after Nick gave his team a 19-18 lead by closing the game out the very next turn against JV, 21-19. It was an epic battle among 4 talented players.

Game 2 was the last thriller between Nick and Paul, and JV and Mario. JV stood strong facing off against Nick, while Mario and his 3 fingered bean flicker kept pace with Paul. However, Nick and Paul appeared to be pulling away midway through the match, until something miraculous happened. Mario tossed a bag that hit the board and caromed off the back. Nick and JV both attempted a foot snag, with Nick hitting it first (I think he hit it first, anyway), hacky-sacking it to JV who carefully tried to possess it. However, Nick, still attempting to snag it himself, hit JV’s foot and caused the bag to float back toward the board, where it landed in the hole. It was the craziest thing I’ve seen at cornhole and was a big swing in momentum. JV and Mario kept it close the rest of the way, but couldn’t get over the hump. Nick and Paul pulled it out 21-17.

In Game 6 Nick and KP squared off against Coach Mike and Paul. The two hottest players on the night overwhelmed Coach and Paul, making quick work in a 21-0 win. Yes, ANOTHER bun run! I’ve already lost track, but I believe we are up to 5 or 6 on the season, including the preseason tournament. Coach Mike was on edge after the loss. He hates losing. He especially hates losing when it’s a bun run. He especially hate losing on a bun run when he knocked his opponent’s bag into the hole (1 point turning to 3 points) to secure his own 21-0 fate. In the post-game interview Coach Mike chugged his Bud Light Lime and flipped my Asian neighbor the middle finger as he yelled, “If it’s the last thing I do, you’re getting a fucking bun run payback”. Sources indicate the taunt was aimed at KP, though it couldn’t be confirmed. League officials are contemplating a fine for Coach Mike’s comments. A decision is expected by Thursday of week 5.

Other highlights included:

• A single week record for cumulative foot snags, 9; JV was stellar with 4, and Mario had 3 (Nick and KP had 1 each, respectively);
• Mario won his first match of the night, then lost 4 straight. Though the 1-4 record seems rough, he had the third-best per game scoring average (behind Nick and KP), and had an impressive minus-3 scoring differential, despite the record. Proof his bean flicker method is effective;
• JV was frustrated on his way to an 0-4 start, but rebounded nicely winning his final 2 matches and leading the week with 4 foot snags. He finished 2-4 with a minus-1.8 scoring differential. He dropped from #2 in the power rankings to #6;
• Coach Mike looked like he was on his way to a great night when he started 2-0. But, he lost his last 3 matches, including the bun run;
• Paul had a steady evening going 3-3. His scoring differential was minus-2.3, but included a 21-0 loss. He finds himself at #4 in the power rankings this week, dropping one spot from week 3;
• Nick, as mentioned, was 4-1 and averaged an impressive 20.6 points per game and had a huge +7.8 scoring differential. He also added 1 foot snag and jumped from #7 in the power rankings to #2;
• KP was on fire all night, going 4-1. He led all players with 20.8 points per game and a +9 scoring differential. He’s #5 in the power rankings this week;

Happy Father’s Day everyone.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – After an incredibly disappointing performance in the season Kick-Off tournament, Nick Winkler has been home working on his mental game since April 29. Rumors have swirled about Nick resembling Tiger Woods since that poor tournament performance…the broken Tiger Woods strung out on Xanax and Vicodin, not the cool guy banging Vegas cocktail waitresses and winning major tournaments.

Sadly, after week 3 we cannot put those rumors to bed. Nick made his first LEG appearance in 6 weeks and went 1-2 with a minus-2.3 scoring margin. On the surface, it looks like a harmless “off” week with a small sample size. But you had to be there to witness what seemed like the ghost of a once great player. Small sample size or not, this marks the first time in league history Nick has had a losing record in any given week. Let’s hope for the sake of this league that Nick can get some cocktail waitresses back in his routine because it isn’t the same without him.

Joe Viviano came out gangbusters, posting a 2-1 record and +5 scoring margin for the night. Joe started 2-0, but dropped the final match of the night when he teamed with Tiger…errr, Nick, in a rematch against KP and Mario. KP and Mario avenged a Game 1 loss by closing the night with a 21-16 redemption. Despite the loss, Joe had a good night statistically and climbed out of the basement of the standings, leaving Mario behind.

Speaking of Mario, while he is 1-7 on the season and in last place, a few very positive developments are underway. First, Mario did get his first win of the season (see the redemption win above). But more importantly, Mario embraced the presence of Coach Mike’s voice chewing his ass all the way from Clawson and finally quit throwing bags like a pussy. He harnessed Coach Mike’s energy and technique, confidently creating a throwing motion that was far more accurate. He could be on the verge of a major breakthrough. At first glance, the motion resembles Coach Mike’s back-handed taint tickler. But there are enough subtleties to the trained eye to differentiate the two styles. I like to call Mario’s form the “3 fingered bean flicker”. I’m open for league-wide votes for naming rights, but I think this is appropriate.