BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – JV shit his pants. Guys. Seriously. He. Shit. His. Pants. I’m not talking about a bad fart. In Game 15, JV and KP were battling Bushie and Paul. At one end JV was head-to-head against Paul, and the normal trash talking between the two was audible for the entire neighborhood. But then, it went too far…JV assumed the Heisman pose and ripped a fart as Paul attempted a toss. It was a masterful distraction tactic, but Paul got the last laugh. Here’s the play-by-play as the “fart” exited JV’s b-hole:

JV: “I’ll be right back…”

At this point he penguin walks inside, assumingly diarrhea trying to scoot down his leg in this moment of panic. The guys go inside to refresh beers and here comes JV, climbing the steps from Bushie’s basement, holding his shitty boxers in one hand and free balling in basketball shorts. Game On! He’s ready to roll again.

The shit delay was short, but dramatic. Play resumed, and JV and KP promptly closed out their rattled opponents, 21-10.

That had to end the night, right? Oh no. JV played ANOTHER game commando. This time Paul had the last laugh, pairing with KP in a 21-11 win over JV and Bushie.

One might think this was the highlight of the night. It wasn’t. First, we had the Game of the Night (more on that later), and we also had yet another bun run.

Game 6 was the powerful tandem of JG and KP against Paul and Adam. It was an uphill battle for Paul and Adam from the beginning, but JG and KP were on another level in this one. KP hit nearly 60% of his throws, JG had 7 cornholes, and they closed it out in just 6 rounds, 21-0. Listen, bun runs are shameful. But this week, they were even more embarrassing thanks to Nick’s great idea to make any bun runners wear hula skirts, coconut titties and a super gay lei. Don’t worry, we took pictures of this…

Hellz yeah, titty city. Even coconut titties aren’t bad titties? Bushie was Mayor of Titty City, and as you can tell, he loved every minute of it.

The Game of the Night was in the opening match, Nick and Bushie squared off against Paul and JV. At one end of the boards was Nick vs. JV, while Paul and Bushie were head-to-head. Bushie started the match by hitting 3 of his first 4 throws, resulting in a 2-0 lead. In Nick’s half of Round 1, he added a cornhole as part of a dominating 4-0 round against JV. Before JV could shit his pants, it was already 6-0. Paul and JV chipped away at the lead, until Nick appeared to bust it open in Round 5 with an 8-1 domination against JV. However, Paul heated up and JV registered high round of the night with a 10 point answer in Round 6 to help close the gap (note: JG also registered a 10 point round in Game 14). In Round 8, the final round, JV and Paul combined to outscore their opponents by 4 points, staging an epic comeback in a thrilling game, winning 21-20. It was one of the best games of the season. Nick had 5 cornholes, JV answered with 7 total, Nick added 2 foot snags, JV had 1 foot snag, and we had huge momentum swings from round to round. Great game fellas. You set the tone for the night.

Other Highlights Include:

• Adam was 1-7 on the night. But something very important happened with Adam. In Game 11 he paired with KP to win 21-20 against Bushie and Paul. But Adam experimented with his toss, using a soft spinner that looked beautiful and immediately was more accurate. The stats show only 8 gross points for Adam in this game. But for those watching, it was a serious moment of growth. Seemingly half his throws painted the hole like a Peter North film. Adam, like JV, is a very good bowler. Adam, like JV, made a choice a few weeks into this season to experiment and change his throwing motion. JV is now winning 2 of every 3 games, and his toss accuracy is at 55%. I expect similar results from Adam after a few weeks with his new toss. Adam also added 4 foot snags.
• Bushie was playing very well before ending his night on a 4 game losing streak. He finished at 3-7, but the losing skid really hurt his KPM. Bushie had it going early in the night, and despite his fade at the end he still finished with a 46% toss accuracy for the night.
• Paul was 3-8 on the night, and almost received a diarrhea facial. He receives a “pass” just for that. But he was third in cornholes per game and tied for second in overall cornholes. Paul needs to get his accuracy up a bit, but his accuracy suffers some because of his aggressive style of play, always going for the hole. Not a bad way to live. In fact, I’m sure he’s going for the hole as we speak with the 21 year old girl who works in the Delphi café (he’s on a date).
• JV went 8-3, added 6 foot snags (he leads the league with 14 total), tied for high round of the night with JG (10 points, respectively) and registered an impressive 59% toss accuracy. Did I mention he also shit his pants?
• JG had his worst week of the season, going a terrible 7-3 (note my sarcasm). He was the second best King P*zzy Masher, so we’ll call him Prince P*zzy Masher. JG lead the week in cornholes with 49 (4.9 per game), and was second in virtually every other statistic. The top dog stays at the top, excluding Jimmy, who made a one game appearance and then peaced out after winning. Until Jimmy shows up more, we won’t acknowledge his 100% winning percentage.
• Nick went 1-2, but this is where the advanced metrics tell the real story. Nick lead the week in gross points per round (4.3), toss accuracy (66%), cornholes per round (0.84) and cornholes per game (5.3). Does it matter he went 1-2? Sure, ultimately only wins and losses matter. But this guy is good. Really good.
• KP went 8-2 this week, and was the King P*zzy Masher at 10.5 KPM. He was second in points per round (3.5), second in accuracy (65%), and lead the week in gross points per game (29.1). KP has to get the cornhole rate up. He averaged 3.8 per game (0.46 per round), which isn’t terrible. But his accuracy combined with an uptick in cornhole rate would make him a threat to JG, Nick and JV game in and game out.

My apologies for the long email. I blame JV and his poopy pants. But, if you didn’t enjoy the read, you probably shouldn’t celebrate July 4 because you’re un-American.

Happy July 4 my bruthas. Be safe and enjoy the holiday. ‘Merica!

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – What a fucking week!!! We had competitive games, a rain delay, Coach Mike serving rounds of shots, post-rain delay warriors gutting out games in the driveway under the lights, and the inaugural roll out of the advanced cornhole metrics.

That’s right folks, we’re now stats on steroids…or at least trying to be. In addition to the normal metrics we’ve historically tracked, we began tracking the following metrics in week 5 (on a limited basis because the rain killed use of computers and the Coach Mike shots killed our motor skills):

• Total Cornholes (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Round (weekly and cumulative)
• Toss Accuracy (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Round (weekly and cumulative)

These metrics are designed to provide a better measure of individual power rankings, where our previous metrics were strictly focused on team play. Now, we have a balance of both worlds.

With help from JV, our resident mathematician, the ultimate metric was created from all of this…KPM. Call it the KP Meter, Kornhole Power Metric, King P*zzy Masher…whatever your definition, the purpose is to combine key statistics into one focal point to measure one’s value.

The formula is as follows: (50% weighting for Gross Points Per Round) + (20% weighting for Toss Accuracy) + (20% weighting for Cornholes Per Round) + (10% weighting for Point Differential).

The KPM is also a weekly and cumulative metric. Hopefully you guys enjoy this. We are always taking suggestions for additional statistics, so speak up!

Back to the games – the game of the night was under the lights in Game 11, featuring JV and JG against Bushie and KP. All 4 players were hot all night, and this match up was no different. Neither team could escape the other, and in the late rounds it was a 19-18 advantage for JV and JG. That’s when JV showed his killer instinct. Facing off against KP, he needed a big round to hold of the threat of a comeback. JV found cornholes in his last two throws, clinching the game and preventing any sort of comeback from KP.

Game of the night was a very tough decision since 8 of the 16 games were decided by 5 points or fewer. Game 7 was a monumental battle between JG and Paul and Adam and Mario. JG and Paul pulled it off 21-17, but Adam hung tough and exchanged blows with JG round after round. It was a very impressive performance given Adam was making his first appearance of the season.

A few other highlights:

• JV had the highest scoring round of the night with 8 points, on his way to a 6-1 record and third-highest KPM on the night. He now sits in 4th place overall based on winning %, but has a very nice 15-9 record;
• JG took a few weeks off but continued his dominance, going 6-1 and now has a stranglehold on first place with his 11-2 record. He had the second highest KPM, tied for first in cornholes per round, and was one of two players to have a toss accuracy of 50% or greater;
• Bushie had a respectable 3-5 debut to his 2017 season, and was the top performer in cornholes per game. He also had a very nice toss accuracy at 44%;
• Adam made his debut, and although his record was 0-3, Adam’s play was strong. He was in the top half of the group in Gross Points per Game and also had a very nice 3.5 cornholes per game

Sorry I can’t mention everyone, but it was a very big week with 11 players coming out. That’s a great turnout given the rain we battled. Thanks to everyone who came.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Any time Nick has 20 points and the lead, the opponent usually has a remote chance of pulling out a victory. When those are the circumstances and Coach Mike is Nick’s partner, the probability of a win is 99%. In Game 4, Nick and Coach Mike had Mario and KP on the ropes, 20-16. KP and Mario battled all game, including regular deficits hovering near 7 points throughout. However, momentum was swinging with a mini-run late in the game, and KP looked like Kevin Durant in the NBA Finals. In his last round, KP turned a 20-16 deficit into a 21-20 lead. He had one throw left, and Coach Mike also had one final throw after KP. KP knew one bag on the board would likely clinch it, requiring Coach Mike to make a cornhole to extend the game. KP’s last toss looked great, in the middle of the board…until it wasn’t. The last bag found the board, but continued sliding, barely knocking another bag off the board as his last toss also slipped off the back and to the ground. A 21-20 lead just became a 20-20 tie. Coach Mike missed the board with his last throw, leaving the game deadlocked at 20. Nick closed the game out on his next turn against Mario. 21-20, Nick and Coach Mike escaped. It was a disappointing loss for KP and Mario, while Coach Mike and Nick knew they were fortunate to register a “W”.

Game 4 above was one of three games on the night that were decided by 4 points or fewer. Nick was involved in all three games, going 2-1 in that stretch on his way to a 4-1 overall record. His only loss was a partnership with JV in a 21-18 fistfight against Coach Mike & KP in Game 3. Coach Mike and KP powered their way to a 15-0 lead, with Coach Mike negating Nick at one end, and KP dominating JV at the other. However, Nick & JV kept swinging, looking like Rocky I…and II, and III, and IV, and V…in the late rounds. They went on their own 19-3 run to take a 19-18 lead. The run was aided by incredible back-to-back foot snags by JV. KP showed his grit after Nick gave his team a 19-18 lead by closing the game out the very next turn against JV, 21-19. It was an epic battle among 4 talented players.

Game 2 was the last thriller between Nick and Paul, and JV and Mario. JV stood strong facing off against Nick, while Mario and his 3 fingered bean flicker kept pace with Paul. However, Nick and Paul appeared to be pulling away midway through the match, until something miraculous happened. Mario tossed a bag that hit the board and caromed off the back. Nick and JV both attempted a foot snag, with Nick hitting it first (I think he hit it first, anyway), hacky-sacking it to JV who carefully tried to possess it. However, Nick, still attempting to snag it himself, hit JV’s foot and caused the bag to float back toward the board, where it landed in the hole. It was the craziest thing I’ve seen at cornhole and was a big swing in momentum. JV and Mario kept it close the rest of the way, but couldn’t get over the hump. Nick and Paul pulled it out 21-17.

In Game 6 Nick and KP squared off against Coach Mike and Paul. The two hottest players on the night overwhelmed Coach and Paul, making quick work in a 21-0 win. Yes, ANOTHER bun run! I’ve already lost track, but I believe we are up to 5 or 6 on the season, including the preseason tournament. Coach Mike was on edge after the loss. He hates losing. He especially hates losing when it’s a bun run. He especially hate losing on a bun run when he knocked his opponent’s bag into the hole (1 point turning to 3 points) to secure his own 21-0 fate. In the post-game interview Coach Mike chugged his Bud Light Lime and flipped my Asian neighbor the middle finger as he yelled, “If it’s the last thing I do, you’re getting a fucking bun run payback”. Sources indicate the taunt was aimed at KP, though it couldn’t be confirmed. League officials are contemplating a fine for Coach Mike’s comments. A decision is expected by Thursday of week 5.

Other highlights included:

• A single week record for cumulative foot snags, 9; JV was stellar with 4, and Mario had 3 (Nick and KP had 1 each, respectively);
• Mario won his first match of the night, then lost 4 straight. Though the 1-4 record seems rough, he had the third-best per game scoring average (behind Nick and KP), and had an impressive minus-3 scoring differential, despite the record. Proof his bean flicker method is effective;
• JV was frustrated on his way to an 0-4 start, but rebounded nicely winning his final 2 matches and leading the week with 4 foot snags. He finished 2-4 with a minus-1.8 scoring differential. He dropped from #2 in the power rankings to #6;
• Coach Mike looked like he was on his way to a great night when he started 2-0. But, he lost his last 3 matches, including the bun run;
• Paul had a steady evening going 3-3. His scoring differential was minus-2.3, but included a 21-0 loss. He finds himself at #4 in the power rankings this week, dropping one spot from week 3;
• Nick, as mentioned, was 4-1 and averaged an impressive 20.6 points per game and had a huge +7.8 scoring differential. He also added 1 foot snag and jumped from #7 in the power rankings to #2;
• KP was on fire all night, going 4-1. He led all players with 20.8 points per game and a +9 scoring differential. He’s #5 in the power rankings this week;

Happy Father’s Day everyone.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – After an incredibly disappointing performance in the season Kick-Off tournament, Nick Winkler has been home working on his mental game since April 29. Rumors have swirled about Nick resembling Tiger Woods since that poor tournament performance…the broken Tiger Woods strung out on Xanax and Vicodin, not the cool guy banging Vegas cocktail waitresses and winning major tournaments.

Sadly, after week 3 we cannot put those rumors to bed. Nick made his first LEG appearance in 6 weeks and went 1-2 with a minus-2.3 scoring margin. On the surface, it looks like a harmless “off” week with a small sample size. But you had to be there to witness what seemed like the ghost of a once great player. Small sample size or not, this marks the first time in league history Nick has had a losing record in any given week. Let’s hope for the sake of this league that Nick can get some cocktail waitresses back in his routine because it isn’t the same without him.

Joe Viviano came out gangbusters, posting a 2-1 record and +5 scoring margin for the night. Joe started 2-0, but dropped the final match of the night when he teamed with Tiger…errr, Nick, in a rematch against KP and Mario. KP and Mario avenged a Game 1 loss by closing the night with a 21-16 redemption. Despite the loss, Joe had a good night statistically and climbed out of the basement of the standings, leaving Mario behind.

Speaking of Mario, while he is 1-7 on the season and in last place, a few very positive developments are underway. First, Mario did get his first win of the season (see the redemption win above). But more importantly, Mario embraced the presence of Coach Mike’s voice chewing his ass all the way from Clawson and finally quit throwing bags like a pussy. He harnessed Coach Mike’s energy and technique, confidently creating a throwing motion that was far more accurate. He could be on the verge of a major breakthrough. At first glance, the motion resembles Coach Mike’s back-handed taint tickler. But there are enough subtleties to the trained eye to differentiate the two styles. I like to call Mario’s form the “3 fingered bean flicker”. I’m open for league-wide votes for naming rights, but I think this is appropriate.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The season is young, but there has been a shift in the 2017 LEG power rankings. JG, Nick, Barker and other top players were noticeably absent in week 2. A few of those players (JG and Nick) were keyboard tough guys leading up to Thursday night, messaging KP that he is about to beat up on weak competition and predicting a stellar week 2 record for KP that won’t be taken seriously because the usual top dogs weren’t in attendance.

JV, Paul, Jack and even Coach Mike gave a big middle finger to JG and Nick by having very good weeks. JV held the best record at 4-1 overall, but the best player was Paul. He was on fire, including countless cornholes with the “slippery” bags. Paul’s record was 3-2, but he was in great shape all night until the last game when he teamed with KP and lost to Coach Mike and Jack.

JG and Nick can keep talking shit, but there are some rising young stars that will challenge for the top of the power rankings all season. JV is starting to find his rhythm, and that’s dangerous considering he’s a 200+ bowler. Paul is 6-4 on the season, played his best in week 2, and also teamed with Barker during the kick-off tournament where they were the #1 overall seed after pool play.

Coach Mike continues to do his thing, and once he has that back-handed taint tickler in mid-season form, we are all in trouble. Coach Mike is clearly focusing his early season efforts on others, trusting his game will come around quickly.

Jack popped his cornhole cherry in week 2, and was a respectable 3-2 overall. He lost the first match of his career, 21-5, when he partnered with KP against the week 2 dynamic duo of Paul and JV. After that, he ripped off a solid 3-1 record.

Joe V. made his first appearance since last September, and it showed. He was 0-3 on the night, but 2 of the 3 losses were very competitive games. I expect Joe to made bigger strides than he did toward the end of last year, where he was a regular threat to spring a huge upset each week.

Lastly, I had an awful week, going 1-4, including a huge blowout loss and 3 other losses that were only remotely competitive due to my partners. After this shitty week, I’ve fallen to 6th overall with a 4-6 record.

JG continues to lead the league at 5-1, and word on the street is he’s out the next few weeks for fear of losing his top ranking. JV is in really solid position at 7-4 and also leads the league in foot snags (3), followed closely by Paul at 6-4. Coach Mike got back to .500 on the season with his 3-2 week 2 record. Updated rankings and statistics are attached.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Week 1 of the 2017 regular season was full of fireworks, as well as some familiar story lines. Let’s start with the familiar story lines – Jeff Garavalia (“JG”), fresh off his pre-season kick-off championship, resembled not only his championship performance, but also his dominant 2016 campaign. JG paired with Jeff Valantas (“JV”, but not the cool JV who bangs Kate Upton) to register an impressive 21-9 win over KP and Coach Mike (a.k.a. “Magic” Mike) in Game 2. JG carried the way while JV found his rhythm. This was the beginning of a 3 game winning streak for JG, on his way to a 5-1 record for the night. JG posted a ridiculous +10.8 scoring margin, including averaging 20.8 points per game. His only loss was a 21-20 contest, where he rallied from a 17-4 deficit to tie the game at 20 before Paul and KP finally closed it out, 21-20.

Game 4 featured Paul and JG against Coach Mike and JV, and was arguably the best game of the night. The game was closely contested the entire way, and included some team drama between Coach Mike and JV. JV was out to foot snag anyone and everyone, as evidenced by his three-way tie for week 1 foot snags with 2. However, Coach Mike didn’t appreciate the effort when he was the victim of JV’s clever feet. Coach Mike bitched at JV for foot snagging him, refused to chug his beer, and called JV every inappropriate name known to man. JV responded by knocking two of JG’s bags off the board to keep his team in the game, 19-17. Ultimately Paul and JG closed out the game, 21-17, but the real story line is Coach Mike – how good is this guy? Not only does he have the back-handed taint tickler throw that often finds the hole, but he knows how to push the right buttons with his partner. He knew JV would respond like a silhouette dick pic responding to a topless Kate Upton selfie. Impressive stuff out of Coach Mike, continuing to show his value cannot be measured simply by his win-loss record.

The other highlight of the night was in the final game, pitting JG and JV against KP and Mario. JG and JV ran a train on their opponent, racing out to a 20-0 lead. On KP’s last turn, he had a 1-bag advantage over JG with one final throw left (JG had none). KP could have punted the bag into the street and preserved a 20-1 score, avoiding a bun run. But what did his dumb ass do? He aggressively pursued the hole, only to be “rewarded” by knocking one of JG’s bags in while KP’s final bag rested on the board. A 1-point advantage for KP swung to a 1-point advantage for JG, a win, and bun run for KP and Mario. Truly pathetic decision-making and performance in the last match of the night.

On a positive note, that marks 4 bun runs in two weeks (three in the Preseason Kick-Off tournament…I blacked out and forgot one of them until recently) after none the entire year in 2016. For those who like dick, and I know you all do, this is a positive trend.

Paul finished the night at 3-2, despite a minus-3.2 scoring differential. KP also finished 3-2, but Paul has the tie-breaker for the week based on points per game. JV settled in at 3-3, but was 2-1 after Coach Mike took a bite out of his ass. Coach Mike finished at 2-3, but was Gregg Popovich-like all night with his partners. Mario struggled to an 0-5 record, including a paltry scoring average of 7.6 points per game and minus-13.4 scoring differential. However, Mario did tie for the week lead with 2 foot snags. The standings and statistics are attached.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Cold, April temperatures and the threat of rain did nothing to slow the enthusiasm for the 2017 League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Kick-Off Tournament. A record 14 players arrived on time (except for Will Love) to shotgun a crisp morning beer and participate in the draft. The random draft revealed a few stacked teams, at least on paper, including “Make Cornhole Great Again” (Nick Winkler and KP, both top 3 players from a year ago, including Winkler as 2016 LEG champion) and “Vipers” (Ryan Harvey, also 2016 LEG champion, and Mike Millard, a promising 2017 rookie). Despite some groans and complaining about the results of the draft, the round-robin matches were generally competitive with the top 5 seeds all having at least a .500 record. “Deeeeezzz” (Will and Murph) and “Team Fuck Paul” (Mario and Jeff V.) struggled through round-robin play, both finishing 1-3 and in the #6 and #7 seeds, respectively.

“Stockton and Malone” (Brent Barker and Paul Teich) went undefeated to snatch the #1 seed, and other round-robin play highlights included two bun runs…after going a full season in 2016 without any. First was “Team Fuck Paul” getting shut out, followed moments later by “Make Cornhole Great Again”. Since apparently naked runs around the house are frowned upon with a child’s birthday party and bouncy house 100 yards away, we settled on calisthenics in the garage with shots of Bulleit between sets.

Triple-elimination tournament play was crazy, with #4 seed “Butt Stuff” (Emir and Scott Garavalia) losing two straight games and immediately facing elimination. #2 seed “Make Cornhole Great Again” flexed it’s muscle in a major round 2 match-up against #3 seed “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” (Jeff Garavalia and Humberto Klein), and #1 seed “Stockton Malone” made things look easy through their first two games. Then things got wild…

• the Rules Committee stepped in and alerted competitors of PED use by #5 “Vipers” resulting in them forfeiting the rest of the tournament; Emir, a member of “Butt Stuff” was the distributor of the PEDs and he was also disqualified;
• “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” ripped off 4 wins in a row, including a rematch against #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and #1 “Stockton Malone” to reach the Championship with only 1 loss;
• #4 “Butt Stuff” faced serious adversity. Not only did they lose their first two games and were on the brink of elimination, but Emir was disqualified for his involvement in PEDs, resulting in Scott doing butt stuff alone…aka, the artist now known as “Solo Butt Stuff”. “Solo Butt Stuff” pulled off 6 straight wins to reach the Championship, including beating #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and beating #1 “Stockton Malone” twice in the semifinals.

The Championship match was set, filled with Garavalia brothers, butt stuff and a handsome Brazilian named Humberto who may or may not do butt stuff (hint…he does). The Championship was intense, mostly because Murph sounded like Lil John on the sidelines rooting for Humberto…but really, it was a competitive match, with “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” taking home the Kick-Off Tournament Championship. Jeff Garavalia, the older and balder of the Garavalias, played like late-season form and Humberto was clutch to help close out the series and put a plug in “Butt Stuff”.

Humberto Klein and Jeff Garavalia celebrating their 2017 Kick-Off Championship in style.

After a post-tournament celebration and interviews in the garage, some champagne shots to the face, and a few Brazilian golden showers, Jeff Garavalia showed his ability to win with class by Tweeting this picture and caption:

R.I.P. ta da competition

Congrats to “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” for taking the 2017 Kick-Off crown. Well done boys.

As Murph so wisely pointed out, we needed to crown the drunkest person/team on the day. Well, we have a winner, folks. Thank god not many were around to witness it, but the winner is…..KP. That’s right, after 8 hours of beers, bun runs, shots of Bulleit, and other things my blackout prevents me from remembering, I felt it was a great idea to smoke one of my Cuban cigars. Shortly after, I allegedly put a hole in the screen door connected to the deck with a candle lighter, I fell into, out of, and around the house, and finally showed my cat-like reflexes by dodging my own puke while sitting at the table with 4 other guys. I was a goddamn mess. I blame George W. Bush, who once said, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em”. Bullshit, George. Not after a day full of IPAs and bourbon.

By the way, the allegations in the story above cannot be confirmed by me, and therefore should NEVER be shared when talking to, or near, Sara. 

I had a blast, and hope all of you did too. For those who missed out, we hope you can make it to the weekly sessions and year-end tournament in the fall.

For those who need a reminder, and to rub it in to those who didn’t make the tournament, here is some evidence of the damage that was done last weekend…

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The top of the power rankings are as uncertain as ever, with Week 9 of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (“LEG”) shuffling the standings yet again. Nick dominated play last week with a 5-0 record, a commanding +10.2 scoring differential, and capped it off with 3 foot snags. Nick jumped from 5th place overall to 2nd, as he tries to hold off JG and KP who are charging hard for the top ranking overall heading into Saturday’s season-ending tournament. Editor’s Note – Nick G. is in first place overall, but he is not playing in the season-ending tournament; therefore Nick Winkler (aka just “Nick”) is the leader in the clubhouse for the #1 position in Saturday’s Draft Lottery.

The game of the night was in Game 1 where JG and Nick (both league MVP candidates) squared off against KP and Paul, who was playing his first LEG event of the season. KP and Paul raced out to a 6-0 lead, only to have the dynamic duo respond with a 13-0 run of their own. Down 13-6, it looked as though JG and Nick had taken KP and Paul’s best shot on the chin and were on the verge of a TKO. But KP and Paul got hot, fought back and trailed 20-19 in the late stages of the match. KP had a final toss to win the game with a cornhole, but just missed, giving JG and Nick life. True to form, Nick closed out the match on his next turn by outscoring Paul 1-0, good for a 21-19 victory.

It was a hell of a game, and KP and Paul showed a lot of fight in almost pulling the upset. But, you have to capitalize on opportunities when players as good as JG and Nick are on the ropes, and KP and Paul failed to do that.

Speaking of Paul, he made his season debut going 2-4. He played well in a Game 4, a 21-10 win as he teamed with Nick to take out Adam and KP. The low point of Paul’s night was when he joined forces with fellow newcomer, Adam, in Game 3 to battle against JG and KP. JG and KP dominated their way to a 20-0 lead over the rookies, and the dreaded “bun run” was fully in play. That’s right folks, we were 1 point away from a 21-0 shutout and a naked run around the block for both Adam and Paul. On my last turn, I landed all 4 throws on the board, with 2 of them dangling from the hole, but neither would fall. Adam matched my 4 points for a 0-0 draw that round, avoiding the bun run. On the next turn, Paul outscored JG for their first points of the game and negated the bun run. In fact, Adam and Paul went on an 8-0 run to cut the lead to 20-8 before JG and KP finally closed out the game, 21-8.

The rookies get a lot of credit for battling through adversity of a 20-0 deficit and the pressure of an embarrassing naked run weighing on them. If only one of my throws had fallen off the edge of the hole…instead, we had the biggest bun run scare of the season.

JG finished the night 4-3, representing the second-best record on the evening, despite having a negative scoring differential. He sits in 3rd place overall, just 1 game back of Nick.

Adam also had a respectable debut, going 2-3 and showing off beautiful form. We expected nothing less from Adam, who doubles as an outstanding bowler. With more game reps, Adam could be one of the top players in the league.

Joe V. and I had poor weeks, going 1-3 and 2-3, respectively, and battled through a lot of inconsistencies from game to game.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (“LEG”) continues to rob people of their virginity. We took cornhole purity from 3 new guys last night, Ryan, Pat and Nick Giammarco (aka, “Nick G”).

Nick G., the self-anointed “Rainman” because he comes in dumb and leaves wet, is now atop the power rankings with a winning percent of 67%, after going 2-1 in his debut. Yes, he has a much smaller sample size than say, JG who resides in second at 65%, but rules are rules. Therefore, “Rainman” is the top dog this week. He also had a very respectable win when he teamed with me to beat JG and Pat, 21-15.

Ryan started rough with a 21-1 loss in Game 1. He ended the night with a 2-5 record that included highlights such as teaming with Nick G. in Game 5 to register both of their first wins of the season over the Catholic Central All-Stars, Pat and Josh. Ryan was also involved in the game of the night, a 21-20 loss in Game 7 to Nick and Brad. More on the game of the night later. Ryan’s record wasn’t stellar, but he has some talent and could be as sneaky as JG’s twink boyfriend’s tongue when drafted for the big tournament on October 1.

Josh showed up after a few weeks off, and it showed in his game. He went 1-2 on the night, dropping him to sixth overall, and in a Game 3 loss hit his low point by missing all 4 of his throws short of the board on one turn. Josh did salvage his night with 4 foot snags in just 3 games, upping his league-leading total 15 foot snags (the next closest is 4).

The game of the night was in Game 7, where Nick and Brad teamed up to face Ryan and JG. The game was tight the entire way, and with a 20-19 lead Ryan let his last throw go and hit nothing but hole. It appeared as though he just clinched the game since the only thing that could save Nick and Brad was a cornhole by Nick on his last throw. Nick proved he has ice water in his veins by nailing a cornhole, canceling Ryan and JG’s win and extending the game. Nick and Brad would go on to score the last two points of the game and win 21-20.

In the immediate aftermath, JG and Ryan were hurting. Hurting so bad they demanded a rematch. Brad and Nick obliged, but couldn’t pull off back-to-back wins as JG and Ryan rolled to a 21-15 victory.

We are winding down the regular season, with only 2 weeks left before the big tournament. The top 9 guys are at .500 or better and the top 5 in the standings are all within at least 5% of each other. A lot can happen these last few weeks as we jockey for the critical Draft Lottery position.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Week 7 was a small group, with only 4 cornholers playing. But, it was a nice 4-man gangbang of former EY Chrysler audit team guys, so thanks to everyone else for sitting this one out and allowing us to have our reunion moment. For our Catholic league guys on this chain (Nick, Josh, Lucio, Joe, Pat, Chinoski), it was similar to your locker room cracker circle jerks in high school. 😉

Humberto popped his LEG cherry, going 3-4 in his first ever appearance, which was good for the second best overall record on the night and ninth overall in the power rankings. Humberto flashed that Brasil futbol skill, nabbing the only foot snag of the night. Even more impressive was Humberto’s Babe Ruth moment in Game 4. Bert and KP were up 19-15, Lucio had 3 points on the board and Bert had one toss left. As soon as the bag left his hand Bert called his shot with a confident, “Cash!”. He found nothing but net, cancelling Dave’s 3 points with a cornhole of his own, and preserving a 7 point lead, 19-12. In the next round I closed the game out, but Bert – the baller, shot caller – saved the game.

In Game 3, Dave had a chance to extend the game on his last throw, but choked in a major way by failing to score and lost the game because of it (21-16 win for Bert & KP over Lucio & Joe). Dave, in a fit a rage, demanded a rematch, which is when Bert ripped his heart out in Game 4 (see above for details).

Joe and Dave each finished the night at 2-5, but Joe had a better scoring differential than both Bert and Dave at -2.9. Dave struggled with confidence issues all night, going 1-4 in the first 5 games. During Game 6 Dave battled through his internal struggle and self-demands to “do something with your life,”. He had a solid final round to win the closest match of the night, a 21-17 win for Lucio & KP over Bert & Joe.

After that Game 6 win Dave was feeling froggy, so he leaped into another rematch of Dave & Joe vs. KP & Bert. He lost for the third time on the night, 21-12. An unhappy Dave is good for the league. It means the fire is burning to show up again and redeem himself.

I was the MVP of the night, going 7-0 with a +10.6 scoring differential. My undefeated night (the first undefeated night by anyone this season, by the way) helped me jump from 5th place in the power rankings to 2nd place overall with just 3 weeks left before the season-ending tournament.