BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – What a fucking week!!! We had competitive games, a rain delay, Coach Mike serving rounds of shots, post-rain delay warriors gutting out games in the driveway under the lights, and the inaugural roll out of the advanced cornhole metrics.

That’s right folks, we’re now stats on steroids…or at least trying to be. In addition to the normal metrics we’ve historically tracked, we began tracking the following metrics in week 5 (on a limited basis because the rain killed use of computers and the Coach Mike shots killed our motor skills):

• Total Cornholes (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Round (weekly and cumulative)
• Toss Accuracy (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Round (weekly and cumulative)

These metrics are designed to provide a better measure of individual power rankings, where our previous metrics were strictly focused on team play. Now, we have a balance of both worlds.

With help from JV, our resident mathematician, the ultimate metric was created from all of this…KPM. Call it the KP Meter, Kornhole Power Metric, King P*zzy Masher…whatever your definition, the purpose is to combine key statistics into one focal point to measure one’s value.

The formula is as follows: (50% weighting for Gross Points Per Round) + (20% weighting for Toss Accuracy) + (20% weighting for Cornholes Per Round) + (10% weighting for Point Differential).

The KPM is also a weekly and cumulative metric. Hopefully you guys enjoy this. We are always taking suggestions for additional statistics, so speak up!

Back to the games – the game of the night was under the lights in Game 11, featuring JV and JG against Bushie and KP. All 4 players were hot all night, and this match up was no different. Neither team could escape the other, and in the late rounds it was a 19-18 advantage for JV and JG. That’s when JV showed his killer instinct. Facing off against KP, he needed a big round to hold of the threat of a comeback. JV found cornholes in his last two throws, clinching the game and preventing any sort of comeback from KP.

Game of the night was a very tough decision since 8 of the 16 games were decided by 5 points or fewer. Game 7 was a monumental battle between JG and Paul and Adam and Mario. JG and Paul pulled it off 21-17, but Adam hung tough and exchanged blows with JG round after round. It was a very impressive performance given Adam was making his first appearance of the season.

A few other highlights:

• JV had the highest scoring round of the night with 8 points, on his way to a 6-1 record and third-highest KPM on the night. He now sits in 4th place overall based on winning %, but has a very nice 15-9 record;
• JG took a few weeks off but continued his dominance, going 6-1 and now has a stranglehold on first place with his 11-2 record. He had the second highest KPM, tied for first in cornholes per round, and was one of two players to have a toss accuracy of 50% or greater;
• Bushie had a respectable 3-5 debut to his 2017 season, and was the top performer in cornholes per game. He also had a very nice toss accuracy at 44%;
• Adam made his debut, and although his record was 0-3, Adam’s play was strong. He was in the top half of the group in Gross Points per Game and also had a very nice 3.5 cornholes per game

Sorry I can’t mention everyone, but it was a very big week with 11 players coming out. That’s a great turnout given the rain we battled. Thanks to everyone who came.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Any time Nick has 20 points and the lead, the opponent usually has a remote chance of pulling out a victory. When those are the circumstances and Coach Mike is Nick’s partner, the probability of a win is 99%. In Game 4, Nick and Coach Mike had Mario and KP on the ropes, 20-16. KP and Mario battled all game, including regular deficits hovering near 7 points throughout. However, momentum was swinging with a mini-run late in the game, and KP looked like Kevin Durant in the NBA Finals. In his last round, KP turned a 20-16 deficit into a 21-20 lead. He had one throw left, and Coach Mike also had one final throw after KP. KP knew one bag on the board would likely clinch it, requiring Coach Mike to make a cornhole to extend the game. KP’s last toss looked great, in the middle of the board…until it wasn’t. The last bag found the board, but continued sliding, barely knocking another bag off the board as his last toss also slipped off the back and to the ground. A 21-20 lead just became a 20-20 tie. Coach Mike missed the board with his last throw, leaving the game deadlocked at 20. Nick closed the game out on his next turn against Mario. 21-20, Nick and Coach Mike escaped. It was a disappointing loss for KP and Mario, while Coach Mike and Nick knew they were fortunate to register a “W”.

Game 4 above was one of three games on the night that were decided by 4 points or fewer. Nick was involved in all three games, going 2-1 in that stretch on his way to a 4-1 overall record. His only loss was a partnership with JV in a 21-18 fistfight against Coach Mike & KP in Game 3. Coach Mike and KP powered their way to a 15-0 lead, with Coach Mike negating Nick at one end, and KP dominating JV at the other. However, Nick & JV kept swinging, looking like Rocky I…and II, and III, and IV, and V…in the late rounds. They went on their own 19-3 run to take a 19-18 lead. The run was aided by incredible back-to-back foot snags by JV. KP showed his grit after Nick gave his team a 19-18 lead by closing the game out the very next turn against JV, 21-19. It was an epic battle among 4 talented players.

Game 2 was the last thriller between Nick and Paul, and JV and Mario. JV stood strong facing off against Nick, while Mario and his 3 fingered bean flicker kept pace with Paul. However, Nick and Paul appeared to be pulling away midway through the match, until something miraculous happened. Mario tossed a bag that hit the board and caromed off the back. Nick and JV both attempted a foot snag, with Nick hitting it first (I think he hit it first, anyway), hacky-sacking it to JV who carefully tried to possess it. However, Nick, still attempting to snag it himself, hit JV’s foot and caused the bag to float back toward the board, where it landed in the hole. It was the craziest thing I’ve seen at cornhole and was a big swing in momentum. JV and Mario kept it close the rest of the way, but couldn’t get over the hump. Nick and Paul pulled it out 21-17.

In Game 6 Nick and KP squared off against Coach Mike and Paul. The two hottest players on the night overwhelmed Coach and Paul, making quick work in a 21-0 win. Yes, ANOTHER bun run! I’ve already lost track, but I believe we are up to 5 or 6 on the season, including the preseason tournament. Coach Mike was on edge after the loss. He hates losing. He especially hates losing when it’s a bun run. He especially hate losing on a bun run when he knocked his opponent’s bag into the hole (1 point turning to 3 points) to secure his own 21-0 fate. In the post-game interview Coach Mike chugged his Bud Light Lime and flipped my Asian neighbor the middle finger as he yelled, “If it’s the last thing I do, you’re getting a fucking bun run payback”. Sources indicate the taunt was aimed at KP, though it couldn’t be confirmed. League officials are contemplating a fine for Coach Mike’s comments. A decision is expected by Thursday of week 5.

Other highlights included:

• A single week record for cumulative foot snags, 9; JV was stellar with 4, and Mario had 3 (Nick and KP had 1 each, respectively);
• Mario won his first match of the night, then lost 4 straight. Though the 1-4 record seems rough, he had the third-best per game scoring average (behind Nick and KP), and had an impressive minus-3 scoring differential, despite the record. Proof his bean flicker method is effective;
• JV was frustrated on his way to an 0-4 start, but rebounded nicely winning his final 2 matches and leading the week with 4 foot snags. He finished 2-4 with a minus-1.8 scoring differential. He dropped from #2 in the power rankings to #6;
• Coach Mike looked like he was on his way to a great night when he started 2-0. But, he lost his last 3 matches, including the bun run;
• Paul had a steady evening going 3-3. His scoring differential was minus-2.3, but included a 21-0 loss. He finds himself at #4 in the power rankings this week, dropping one spot from week 3;
• Nick, as mentioned, was 4-1 and averaged an impressive 20.6 points per game and had a huge +7.8 scoring differential. He also added 1 foot snag and jumped from #7 in the power rankings to #2;
• KP was on fire all night, going 4-1. He led all players with 20.8 points per game and a +9 scoring differential. He’s #5 in the power rankings this week;

Happy Father’s Day everyone.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – After an incredibly disappointing performance in the season Kick-Off tournament, Nick Winkler has been home working on his mental game since April 29. Rumors have swirled about Nick resembling Tiger Woods since that poor tournament performance…the broken Tiger Woods strung out on Xanax and Vicodin, not the cool guy banging Vegas cocktail waitresses and winning major tournaments.

Sadly, after week 3 we cannot put those rumors to bed. Nick made his first LEG appearance in 6 weeks and went 1-2 with a minus-2.3 scoring margin. On the surface, it looks like a harmless “off” week with a small sample size. But you had to be there to witness what seemed like the ghost of a once great player. Small sample size or not, this marks the first time in league history Nick has had a losing record in any given week. Let’s hope for the sake of this league that Nick can get some cocktail waitresses back in his routine because it isn’t the same without him.

Joe Viviano came out gangbusters, posting a 2-1 record and +5 scoring margin for the night. Joe started 2-0, but dropped the final match of the night when he teamed with Tiger…errr, Nick, in a rematch against KP and Mario. KP and Mario avenged a Game 1 loss by closing the night with a 21-16 redemption. Despite the loss, Joe had a good night statistically and climbed out of the basement of the standings, leaving Mario behind.

Speaking of Mario, while he is 1-7 on the season and in last place, a few very positive developments are underway. First, Mario did get his first win of the season (see the redemption win above). But more importantly, Mario embraced the presence of Coach Mike’s voice chewing his ass all the way from Clawson and finally quit throwing bags like a pussy. He harnessed Coach Mike’s energy and technique, confidently creating a throwing motion that was far more accurate. He could be on the verge of a major breakthrough. At first glance, the motion resembles Coach Mike’s back-handed taint tickler. But there are enough subtleties to the trained eye to differentiate the two styles. I like to call Mario’s form the “3 fingered bean flicker”. I’m open for league-wide votes for naming rights, but I think this is appropriate.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The season is young, but there has been a shift in the 2017 LEG power rankings. JG, Nick, Barker and other top players were noticeably absent in week 2. A few of those players (JG and Nick) were keyboard tough guys leading up to Thursday night, messaging KP that he is about to beat up on weak competition and predicting a stellar week 2 record for KP that won’t be taken seriously because the usual top dogs weren’t in attendance.

JV, Paul, Jack and even Coach Mike gave a big middle finger to JG and Nick by having very good weeks. JV held the best record at 4-1 overall, but the best player was Paul. He was on fire, including countless cornholes with the “slippery” bags. Paul’s record was 3-2, but he was in great shape all night until the last game when he teamed with KP and lost to Coach Mike and Jack.

JG and Nick can keep talking shit, but there are some rising young stars that will challenge for the top of the power rankings all season. JV is starting to find his rhythm, and that’s dangerous considering he’s a 200+ bowler. Paul is 6-4 on the season, played his best in week 2, and also teamed with Barker during the kick-off tournament where they were the #1 overall seed after pool play.

Coach Mike continues to do his thing, and once he has that back-handed taint tickler in mid-season form, we are all in trouble. Coach Mike is clearly focusing his early season efforts on others, trusting his game will come around quickly.

Jack popped his cornhole cherry in week 2, and was a respectable 3-2 overall. He lost the first match of his career, 21-5, when he partnered with KP against the week 2 dynamic duo of Paul and JV. After that, he ripped off a solid 3-1 record.

Joe V. made his first appearance since last September, and it showed. He was 0-3 on the night, but 2 of the 3 losses were very competitive games. I expect Joe to made bigger strides than he did toward the end of last year, where he was a regular threat to spring a huge upset each week.

Lastly, I had an awful week, going 1-4, including a huge blowout loss and 3 other losses that were only remotely competitive due to my partners. After this shitty week, I’ve fallen to 6th overall with a 4-6 record.

JG continues to lead the league at 5-1, and word on the street is he’s out the next few weeks for fear of losing his top ranking. JV is in really solid position at 7-4 and also leads the league in foot snags (3), followed closely by Paul at 6-4. Coach Mike got back to .500 on the season with his 3-2 week 2 record. Updated rankings and statistics are attached.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Week 1 of the 2017 regular season was full of fireworks, as well as some familiar story lines. Let’s start with the familiar story lines – Jeff Garavalia (“JG”), fresh off his pre-season kick-off championship, resembled not only his championship performance, but also his dominant 2016 campaign. JG paired with Jeff Valantas (“JV”, but not the cool JV who bangs Kate Upton) to register an impressive 21-9 win over KP and Coach Mike (a.k.a. “Magic” Mike) in Game 2. JG carried the way while JV found his rhythm. This was the beginning of a 3 game winning streak for JG, on his way to a 5-1 record for the night. JG posted a ridiculous +10.8 scoring margin, including averaging 20.8 points per game. His only loss was a 21-20 contest, where he rallied from a 17-4 deficit to tie the game at 20 before Paul and KP finally closed it out, 21-20.

Game 4 featured Paul and JG against Coach Mike and JV, and was arguably the best game of the night. The game was closely contested the entire way, and included some team drama between Coach Mike and JV. JV was out to foot snag anyone and everyone, as evidenced by his three-way tie for week 1 foot snags with 2. However, Coach Mike didn’t appreciate the effort when he was the victim of JV’s clever feet. Coach Mike bitched at JV for foot snagging him, refused to chug his beer, and called JV every inappropriate name known to man. JV responded by knocking two of JG’s bags off the board to keep his team in the game, 19-17. Ultimately Paul and JG closed out the game, 21-17, but the real story line is Coach Mike – how good is this guy? Not only does he have the back-handed taint tickler throw that often finds the hole, but he knows how to push the right buttons with his partner. He knew JV would respond like a silhouette dick pic responding to a topless Kate Upton selfie. Impressive stuff out of Coach Mike, continuing to show his value cannot be measured simply by his win-loss record.

The other highlight of the night was in the final game, pitting JG and JV against KP and Mario. JG and JV ran a train on their opponent, racing out to a 20-0 lead. On KP’s last turn, he had a 1-bag advantage over JG with one final throw left (JG had none). KP could have punted the bag into the street and preserved a 20-1 score, avoiding a bun run. But what did his dumb ass do? He aggressively pursued the hole, only to be “rewarded” by knocking one of JG’s bags in while KP’s final bag rested on the board. A 1-point advantage for KP swung to a 1-point advantage for JG, a win, and bun run for KP and Mario. Truly pathetic decision-making and performance in the last match of the night.

On a positive note, that marks 4 bun runs in two weeks (three in the Preseason Kick-Off tournament…I blacked out and forgot one of them until recently) after none the entire year in 2016. For those who like dick, and I know you all do, this is a positive trend.

Paul finished the night at 3-2, despite a minus-3.2 scoring differential. KP also finished 3-2, but Paul has the tie-breaker for the week based on points per game. JV settled in at 3-3, but was 2-1 after Coach Mike took a bite out of his ass. Coach Mike finished at 2-3, but was Gregg Popovich-like all night with his partners. Mario struggled to an 0-5 record, including a paltry scoring average of 7.6 points per game and minus-13.4 scoring differential. However, Mario did tie for the week lead with 2 foot snags. The standings and statistics are attached.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Cold, April temperatures and the threat of rain did nothing to slow the enthusiasm for the 2017 League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Kick-Off Tournament. A record 14 players arrived on time (except for Will Love) to shotgun a crisp morning beer and participate in the draft. The random draft revealed a few stacked teams, at least on paper, including “Make Cornhole Great Again” (Nick Winkler and KP, both top 3 players from a year ago, including Winkler as 2016 LEG champion) and “Vipers” (Ryan Harvey, also 2016 LEG champion, and Mike Millard, a promising 2017 rookie). Despite some groans and complaining about the results of the draft, the round-robin matches were generally competitive with the top 5 seeds all having at least a .500 record. “Deeeeezzz” (Will and Murph) and “Team Fuck Paul” (Mario and Jeff V.) struggled through round-robin play, both finishing 1-3 and in the #6 and #7 seeds, respectively.

“Stockton and Malone” (Brent Barker and Paul Teich) went undefeated to snatch the #1 seed, and other round-robin play highlights included two bun runs…after going a full season in 2016 without any. First was “Team Fuck Paul” getting shut out, followed moments later by “Make Cornhole Great Again”. Since apparently naked runs around the house are frowned upon with a child’s birthday party and bouncy house 100 yards away, we settled on calisthenics in the garage with shots of Bulleit between sets.

Triple-elimination tournament play was crazy, with #4 seed “Butt Stuff” (Emir and Scott Garavalia) losing two straight games and immediately facing elimination. #2 seed “Make Cornhole Great Again” flexed it’s muscle in a major round 2 match-up against #3 seed “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” (Jeff Garavalia and Humberto Klein), and #1 seed “Stockton Malone” made things look easy through their first two games. Then things got wild…

• the Rules Committee stepped in and alerted competitors of PED use by #5 “Vipers” resulting in them forfeiting the rest of the tournament; Emir, a member of “Butt Stuff” was the distributor of the PEDs and he was also disqualified;
• “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” ripped off 4 wins in a row, including a rematch against #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and #1 “Stockton Malone” to reach the Championship with only 1 loss;
• #4 “Butt Stuff” faced serious adversity. Not only did they lose their first two games and were on the brink of elimination, but Emir was disqualified for his involvement in PEDs, resulting in Scott doing butt stuff alone…aka, the artist now known as “Solo Butt Stuff”. “Solo Butt Stuff” pulled off 6 straight wins to reach the Championship, including beating #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and beating #1 “Stockton Malone” twice in the semifinals.

The Championship match was set, filled with Garavalia brothers, butt stuff and a handsome Brazilian named Humberto who may or may not do butt stuff (hint…he does). The Championship was intense, mostly because Murph sounded like Lil John on the sidelines rooting for Humberto…but really, it was a competitive match, with “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” taking home the Kick-Off Tournament Championship. Jeff Garavalia, the older and balder of the Garavalias, played like late-season form and Humberto was clutch to help close out the series and put a plug in “Butt Stuff”.

Humberto Klein and Jeff Garavalia celebrating their 2017 Kick-Off Championship in style.

After a post-tournament celebration and interviews in the garage, some champagne shots to the face, and a few Brazilian golden showers, Jeff Garavalia showed his ability to win with class by Tweeting this picture and caption:

R.I.P. ta da competition

Congrats to “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” for taking the 2017 Kick-Off crown. Well done boys.

As Murph so wisely pointed out, we needed to crown the drunkest person/team on the day. Well, we have a winner, folks. Thank god not many were around to witness it, but the winner is…..KP. That’s right, after 8 hours of beers, bun runs, shots of Bulleit, and other things my blackout prevents me from remembering, I felt it was a great idea to smoke one of my Cuban cigars. Shortly after, I allegedly put a hole in the screen door connected to the deck with a candle lighter, I fell into, out of, and around the house, and finally showed my cat-like reflexes by dodging my own puke while sitting at the table with 4 other guys. I was a goddamn mess. I blame George W. Bush, who once said, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em”. Bullshit, George. Not after a day full of IPAs and bourbon.

By the way, the allegations in the story above cannot be confirmed by me, and therefore should NEVER be shared when talking to, or near, Sara. 

I had a blast, and hope all of you did too. For those who missed out, we hope you can make it to the weekly sessions and year-end tournament in the fall.

For those who need a reminder, and to rub it in to those who didn’t make the tournament, here is some evidence of the damage that was done last weekend…