SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN – Dibble had himself a night this week, scoring 6.4 points per round and 1.74 cornholes per round while shooting 74%. He scored three 12-point rounds and three 10-point rounds this week. Add it all up and it yielded a 20.9 KPM, jumping him from #3 to #1 in the young season Power Rankings.

And boy did the rest of the league hear about it. Shortly after the updated Power Rankings and statistics were posted to the league website, Dibble sent a screen shot, taunting the group with his name atop the rankings.

Give credit where it’s due, his 20.9 KPM this week and 19.8 KPM overall are undoubtedly impressive. But it’s a long season, and boasting about being #1 in the Power Rankings when there are four months remaining in the season is akin to celebrating on the sidelines when there’s 10 seconds left in the football game and your team still has to execute a punt…

God help us if Dibble ever wins a tournament because we’ll never hear the end of it.

GAME OF THE NIGHT

Speaking of never hearing the end of it, the bromance continued this week with Dibble and Brent slurping each other up all night. Dibble and Brent have each played 13 and 14 total games this season, respectively, and eight of their games have been as partners.

Encouraging them to “get a room” would be an understatement – the group was fearful we’d have to take cover while these two recreated the lift scene from Dirty Dancing in Brent’s pool.

“Heeeeeeeey, hey baby! I wanna know, if you’ll be my girl.”

Dibble, without hesitation, “Yes!”

Game 3 featured The Ambiguously Gay Duo against Galz and KP. In what appears to be their new pre-game ritual, Ace and Gary…errr…Dibble and Brent gathered at midcourt and summoned powerful cornhole skills from their “lightsaber,” which I’m still convinced is a double-dong dildo.

Early on, the double-dong prayers didn’t appear to help as both players were shooting blanks. They quickly found themselves down 13 – 4 after two innings.

But then Dibble exploded with a 6 – 0 advantage in the top of the third inning, bringing his team within four points, 14 – 10.  After exchanging a few points in the fourth inning, it was 16 – 11 in favor of KP and Galz.

Cue some Dibble heroics – he sank three cornholes in the fifth inning, securing a 9 – 3 advantage and propelling his team to a 17 – 16 lead. KP tied it at 17 – 17, but missed a push shot that could have won the game had he hit it.

In the top of the sixth, Dibble delivered the money shot. He drained three cornholes and added another bag on the board for 10 points, overwhelming Galz 10 – 4 to win the match 21 – 17. Dibble was visibly excited, quickly slapping hands with his opponent before embracing his partner with celebration.

As he squeezed Brent, the group overhead Dibble’s failed whispers of sweet nothings – “I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp. I wanna gag, I wanna choke. I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swings in the back of my throat.”

Okay, those are actually Cardi B lyrics, but you can imagine what it’d be like if Dibble really said that. Right?

Really, though, the two hopped in their cock car and threw themselves a celebratory parade.

MUSHROOM STAMP MOMENT

We might as well stay on theme, this week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) also involves Dibble and Brent. This time, they were head-to-head…no, they weren’t “docking”! Pull your head out of the gutter!

In Game 9, Dibble and Erik had Brent and JV on the ropes with a 17 – 8 lead. Dibble, trying his best to impress his butt-buddy, hit three cornholes in the fifth inning and Brent couldn’t handle this stud (don’t worry, he tried again later in the evening), only scoring one point. The 9 – 1 round clinched a 21 – 8 victory for Dibble and Erik, and gives Dibble this week’s MSM!

NEWS AND NOTES

• Turley had a nice week, scoring four 10-point rounds on his way to a 16.5 KPM, 5.3 points per round, 1.13 cornholes per round and 75% shooting. Excellent numbers for him, which unfortunately did not produce victories – he finished with a 2 – 6 record. Nonetheless, he appears in the Power Rankings for the first time this season, entering at #4
• Brent was leap-frogged by his boyfriend in the Power Rankings, falling from #1 to #3. His individual metrics fell short of his high ceiling (15.2 KPM, 4.9 points per round, 1.02 cornholes per round, and 71% accuracy), yet he still won games, evidenced by his 5 – 2 record. He can thank Dibble for that
• JV had a steady night, shooting 71% and scoring 4.9 points per round…much better than last week’s 49% and 4.3 points per round. His 15.5 week 2 KPM helped him jump from #7 to #5 in the Power Rankings
• Erik fell from #4 to #7 in the Power Rankings, despite playing pretty well! He had a 4 – 3 record while producing a 14.1 KPM thanks to 67% shooting, 0.92 cornholes per round and 4.5 points per round
• Galz had arguably his roughest week ever – 13.9 KPM, 4.4 points per round and 0.89 cornholes per round on 64% shooting. Maybe it’s because his pink eye settled down, or maybe he was overwhelmed by the male erotica. I don’t expect him to stay down for long
• KP logged a 20.1 KPM, 6.3 points per round and 1.52 cornholes per round on 82% shooting, all of which contributed to a 6 – 2 record

CLAWSON, MICHIGAN – The week following a tournament typically feels like a hangover. The players are moving slow, the energy is low, and the environment is just a little sleepy.

Week 1 wasn’t much different, with player after player filing up the driveway, as if they were doing the “walk of shame”…until Dibble showed up. The guy was bouncing off the walls, “I missed you guys! I missed this!”

And then when Brent arrived and Dibble realized there was a new addition to the league, which means an opportunity for a new best friend, he was like a rescue dog vying for attention from a prospective family – tail wagging, jumping up and down, “Pick me! Pick me!”

His injection of energy was just what the doctor ordered.

GAME OF THE NIGHT

Dibble brought that energy to the Game of the Night, where he partnered with his new best friend, Brent. Really, they are best friends. Of the 12 games in week 1, Dibble latched on to Brent in four of those games (insert laughing emoji).

Their Game 6 opponents were Galz and KP, who took an early 7 – 0 lead after the top of the first inning. The besties shook off their opponent’s quick start and put together their own 19 – 1 run, giving them a 19 – 8 lead. During that stretch, Dibble score nine points against Galz, while Brent posted 10 points against KP, powered by a 10 – 5 advantage in the top of the sixth inning.

KP encouraged Galz, reminding his partner that the game doesn’t start until a “choke” is in play (i.e., one team holds a 10+ point advantage and must close the game). Galz savors opportunities like this, and promptly responded with two points to close the deficit to 19 – 10.

It was KP’s turn to put up or shut up. He delivered a four-bagger, while Brent managed just three points. A 12 – 3 win in the top of the seventh inning knotted the game at 19 – 19 **AND** positioned Galz to clinch the match by completing the “comeback” (and securing a “choke” for Dibble and Brent).

Galz and Dibble both threw cornholes with their first two bags. Clutch performances in a tense moment. Galz’s third bag missed long and right, but stayed on the board for a 7 – 6 advantage. Dibble applied pressure with a third straight cornhole, requiring Galz to score on his final bag to keep the game alive. Galz always goes down swinging, and played for the cornhole. His bag was a little too firm and skipped over the hole, falling off the back of the board.

The game was over, and Dibble missed an irrelevant airmail attempt. His 9 – 7 advantage was enough to win, 21 – 19, and the friendship strengthened.

MUSHROOM STAMP MOMENT (“MSM”)

The first MSM of the 2022 season belongs to JV. In Game 10, JV threw a perfect block with his first bag of the round. Barker navigated it perfectly, slipping his bag around the block and into the hole. Without hesitation, JV threw an airmail and hit it!

Barker missed long off the back with his second bag.

JV immediately hit another airmail, leaving his blocker in place.

Barker again missed off the back.

JV went up again, draining a third consecutive airmail, leaving his blocker for Barker to contemplate.

Barker’s last bag was off the back again, unable to navigate the laundry on the board.

JV won the round 10 – 3, which gave his team a 12 – 4 lead and broke the game open. He and Erik finished the job, winning easily, 21 – 7. He played the round perfectly with a block, airmail, airmail, airmail. That’s professional-level cornhole, which is why he earns this week’s mushroom stamp moment.

NEWS AND NOTES

• Brent reinforced his championship performance by earning the top spot in the Power Rankings this week and had a +12.1 point differential for the night (i.e., averaged wins of 21 – 9). His 19.7 KPM, 6.1 points per round, 71% accuracy, 1.62 cornholes per round, and 7 – 0 record were dominant. He added five 10-point rounds and two 12-point rounds to his week 1 resume
• Dibble avoided having Brent FOMO and kept pace with an 18.3 KPM, 5.7 points per round, 71% accuracy, 1.43 cornholes per round, and 4 – 2 record (all four wins were as Brent’s partner). Impressive numbers under any circumstance, but especially so considering the long layoff he’s had
• JV was great in earning the MSM, but his numbers are head-scratching – his 14.1 KPM is good. But he pulled that off on just 49% accuracy, which is sub-par. JV was basically boom (cornhole) or bust (errant shot) all night, but his “booms” sure were amazing
• Barker somehow went 0 – 5 despite putting up good numbers – 14.5 KPM, 73% KPM, 4.7 points per round, and a 12-point round. His biggest downfall was “only” hitting 0.88 cornholes per game. Nonetheless, the donut in win column was shocking and unusual. Don’t get used to that
• Erik dropped a 12-point round, which helped him to a 14.7 KPM (#4 in the Power Rankings), 4.7 points per round, 65% accuracy, 1.03 cornholes per round, and 2 – 3 record. This is a great start to the 2022 campaign, showing Erik continues to build on the growth he’s demonstrated the last few seasons
• Galz went 2 – 5 overall with a 14.2 KPM, 64% accuracy and 4.5 points per round. His 0.98 cornholes per round was un-Galz-like, but expect that number to rise as the season progresses
• Paul was last in this week’s Power Rankings at #8, but his numbers were good! He continues to increase his accuracy, shooting 63% this week. He also hit 0.88 cornholes per round and 4.3 points per round, earning a 13.3 KPM and 3 – 3 record. Paul also outscored his opponent head-to-head in four of his six matches
• KP finished second in the Power Rankings this week with an 18.4 KPM. He also averaged 5.8 points per round, 76% accuracy, 1.38 cornholes per round and produced a 4 – 3 record. He also recorded two 10-point rounds and two 12-point rounds

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – There are new sheriffs in town, and their rule of law could get ugly for the citizens of LEG.

Brent A. (we’ll just call him Brent from now on) and Turley were paired through the blind draw, forming “Hole Bangers” and becoming one of the obvious contenders to win the 2022 Preseason Kick-Off Tournament.

Though “Hole Bangers” looked like a super team on paper, there were still some questions surrounding their team.

• Even though he immediately jumps to the top of the talent pool, how would Brent handle his first tournament?
• Turley won the 2021 Postseason Tournament, but did so paired with Nick, who is a championship veteran. Could Turley be the leader of a championship squad for the first time in his career?
• Turley openly admits to being a basket case, particularly in close end-of-game situations. Can he overcome that, or will it hinder his team’s ability to claim The Cup?

The questions were legitimate. The answers were undisputed. “Hole Bangers” stomped their way to a 2022 Preseason Kick-Off championship, losing only one game all day – a 21 – 17 nail-biter during the round robin session to “Mol-Ester” (JV and Erik).

Brent claims he needs 50 throws to get loose and find his groove. In other words, the best chance to beat him is to catch him early before he finds his rhythm and confidence. “Mol-Ester” executed that strategy perfectly in round robin play, but no other team in the field could do so. Brent hit his stride, Turley flashed his improving game from an offseason of hard work, and the dynamic duo coasted to a title.

HOW THEY GOT THERE

“Hole Bangers’” lone blemish during round robin cost them the #1 seed, which was earned by the undefeated “Pink-Eyed Strippers” (Galz and Scott). Landing on the #2 seed only fueled their fire, as they donkey punched “Butt Jam” (Paul and Bushie) 21 – 0, rolled “Big Bush, Long Wood” (Barker and David) 21 – 7, and then exacted revenge on “Mol-Ester” in the third round, 21 – 12, sending “Mol-Ester” to the losers’ bracket gauntlet.

“Hole Bangers” punched their ticket to the championship match by defeating “Mol-Ester” for a second consecutive game, 21 – 16. JV and Erik hung tougher in this rubber match, but didn’t quite have enough ammunition to overcome the fire Brent and Turley were throwing.

That was an enormous victory because “Hole Bangers” remained undefeated in a triple elimination format, meaning their opponent would have to beat them three consecutive times in the championship match. The Cup engraving was almost a certainty at that point, with the only potential derailment being a waiting period filled with booze and rust accumulation.

The prize was too grand for complacency and carelessness to creep into the equation on this day, and “Hole Bangers” clinched their title with little drama, handling “Pink-Eyed Strippers” in Game 1 of the title showdown, 21 – 13.

LOSERS’ BRACKET CHAOS

The losers’ bracket is not the place to be. As you read this, you’re probably thinking “No shit, Sherlock.” But beyond the obvious, it’s also become a swimming pool full of sharks. Every game is a grind against a team capable of making a deep tournament run. It wasn’t always that way. Let’s dive into the shark tank and analyze all the teams who found themselves on the longer path back to the title match.

“Pink-Eyed Strippers” (Galz and Scott G.) – #1 Seed

I already spoiled the suspense by disclosing “Pink-Eyed Strippers” lost in the championship match, meaning they fought their way through, and emerged from, the losers’ bracket. But that doesn’t begin to tell the story of this team. First of all, Galz probably should have been on injured reserve because his eye was swollen shut. A lesson for the kids at home, don’t allow strippers to pee on your face without protection. Always wear a dental dam! I actually don’t know what a dental dam is, but I’m sure it prevents urine-based eye infections.

With three “good” eyes, these two earned the #1 seed and looked the part by dismantling #8 seeded “Stosh” (Josh Turley and Steve-O) 21 – 6 in the first round. But a 21 – 17 loss to #4 seeded “Mol-Ester” in the second round, followed by a 21 – 15 loss to “The Aces” (Jack and Nick) plummeted the top seed to the bottom left corner of the bracket.

On the brink of elimination and staring down the longest possible road back to the championship, “Pink-Eyed Strippers” relaxed and let it flow, ripping off five consecutive victories to reach the championship. That stretch included revenge wins over “Mol-Ester” and “The Aces” and only one of the five wins was decided by less than 10 points.

The rollercoaster ride was wild, but they ultimately ended up where they should have – in the title match. Unfortunately their untimely losses and five-game grind might have cost them a legitimate chance to win the whole thing. However, a runner-up finish is nothing to be ashamed of and both Scott and Galz played exceptional cornhole throughout the tournament.

“Big Bush Long Wood” (Barker and David) – #3 Seed

Barker’s championship DNA is nearly unmatched with his three titles and three runner-up finishes; and, he entered the tournament on a heater – he’s played at a higher level in unsanctioned events throughout the winter and early spring.

Though David is a rookie, he’s no stranger to the game and he’s an athlete with a fierce competitive streak. In his spare time you’ll find him starting fights in beer league hockey games, including with his opponent’s fat ugly girlfriend sitting in the bleachers. He also loves smoking any kind of meat he can get his hands on, and even loves to cook a little bit too!

This pair looked dangerous early, but things took a drastic turn for the worst after a fantastic first round victory over #6 seeded “The Aces”. They took one on the chin, losing 21 – 7 to “Hole Bangers,” rebounded with an easy win over #7 seeded “Butt Jam” and then bowed out of the tournament as a victim of “Pink-Eyed Strippers” run through the losers’ bracket.

An early exit and 2 – 2 record is not what they envisioned. To their credit, they collected themselves and won the Toilet Bowl Championship by knocking off “Guess Who’s Back, Back Again?” (21 – 13) and “Stosh” (21 – 4). Winning the Toilet Bowl Championship may not make your trousers move, but there are worse things than being the Toilet Bowl champs. If you’re playing for something, no matter what it is, you want to win. Credit to Barker and David for getting the job done, despite feeling disappointed about being there.

“Mol-Ester” (JV and Erik) – #4 Seed

The only team all day to defeat the champs! Unfortunately it was during the round robin session and not bracket play. They should be proud of their third place finish, which included great wins over “Guess Who’s Back, Back Again?” (21 – 20), “Pink-Eyed Strippers” (21 – 17), and “The Aces” (21 – 20). As you can see, all of their tournament wins were down to the wire…exactly how JV wants it! Keep things close, then Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn sprints out of the bullpen to put the game away.

David experienced the JV closing effect up close and personal in round robin. “Big Bush Long Wood” had an 18 – 15 lead over “Mol-Ester” when the bags turned over to JV vs. David. Both players littered the board with blockers after their first two bags.

David’s third bag missed the board, giving JV an opportunity for points. JV’s third bag launched high and deep, clearing the pile of blockers for an airmail!

For the first time, David faced adversity and tried to steady his nerves. His final bag also missed the board. JV held a 5 – 2 advantage in the round and knew a cornhole would give him an 8 – 2 advantage, and his team a 21 – 18 win. He launched again, and hit nothing but net! Airmail for the win!

David turned to JV, “Are you fucking kidding me?” JV smiled and sheepishly shook David’s hand. Welcome to the league, rookie.

“Mol-Ester” was unbelievable in close matches, and provided the stiffest test to “Hole Bangers”. They played well enough to win a title, which has to sting knowing they came up just a bit short.

“Guess Who’s Back, Back Again?” (Coach Mike and KP) – #5 Seed

Coach and KP were excited to join forces again, after feeling as though they underperformed as partners in the 2021 Postseason Tournament. Well, here they were again, underperforming. In the first round, they held a 15 – 8 lead over “Mol-Ester” but failed to close and lost the match 21 – 20.

After a 21 – 5 win over “Stosh” in the losers’ bracket, “Guess Who’s Back” secured a big win over “Big Bush Long Wood” (21 – 17), but couldn’t measure up against “The Aces” (lost 21 – 12) or “Pink-Eyed Strippers” (lost 21 – 15) – the latter eliminated them, flushinh them to the Toilet Bowl Championship, where they lost to “Big Bush Long Wood” (21 – 13) in a revenge match.

Coach Mike played the role he needed to, which was to play his opponent to a draw and hope KP could deliver the scoring blows at the other end of the boards. Sadly for Coach Mike, he didn’t get the version of KP necessary to make a deep run.

Upon elimination, both players were disappointed and apologetic to one another. “I want to win a championship with you,” KP poured out to Coach. That’s a heart-warming thought, but reality is harsh. KP started this league in 2016 and has won only one title, and we’re three years removed from that (2019 Postseason Tournament). At some point, you need to deliver or accept your backseat to the actual top players in the league.

“The Aces” (Nick and Jack) – #6 Seed

Landing as the #6 seed was a surprise to everyone. Any team with Nick is a threat to win the whole thing, and Jack has been part of multiple teams who have played deep into past tournaments. The fact they were in the bottom half of seeding should serve as additional evidence of how talented the rest of the field is.

Once seeding was revealed, their opponent (#3 seed “Big Bush Long Wood”) was not thrilled about the draw. Barker turned in disgust, “We have to play Nick? Great.” In fact, that match-up wasn’t great for “The Aces” – they were routed, 21 – 7.

In the losers’ bracket, “The Aces” strung together three consecutive wins over “Butt Jam” (21 – 7), “Pink-Eyed Strippers” (21 – 15), and “Guess Who’s Back” (21 – 12). In a crucial losers’ bracket match with the winner advancing for a semifinal match against “Hole Bangers,” they added their name to the list of teams who couldn’t make plays down the stretch to win a close game against “Mol-Ester,” losing 21 – 20.

They were eliminated in their next game after running into the buzz saw named “Pink-Eyed Strippers” (“The Aces” lost 21 – 5).

For the first time since 2019, the championship team did not include Nick. That’s a dominating statistic, and one Jack wished hadn’t come to an end. Nonetheless, “The Aces” outperformed their #6 seed by finishing in fourth place.

“Butt Jam” (Bushie and Paul) – #7 Seed

Where to begin? First, why do Bushie’s team names usually revolve around ass?

• “Dirty Butt” in the 2017 Postseason Tournament
• “Butt Plugs” in the 2019 Postseason Tournament
• “Pull & Tug Brothers” in the 2020 Postseason Tournament (okay, technically not ass-related, but…)
• “Double Dildos” in the 2021 Preseason Kick-Off
• And now…”Butt Jam”

Keep in mind, he’s also missed four or five of the tournaments since 2016…

Secondly, as soon as the blind draw selected Paul and Bushie as partners, Bushie wanted to take his ball and go home. He loudly offered to trade partners with JV (i.e., swap Paul for Erik). The funny thing is, Bushie and Paul partnered as “Pull & Tug Brothers” and finished runners-up in the 2020 Postseason Tournament. So, they’ve had success together in the past. But, this day was doomed from the start.

They won only one game all day, a 21 – 20 round robin escape over “Stosh,” who finished as the bottom seed (more to come on them later). A dreadful 1 – 6 record across round robin, bracket play and the Toilet Bowl Championship is the perfect reflection of how this day started for “Butt Jam”…a player not embracing his partner and openly expressing that to the group.

Maybe the ass-themed team names are an obsession. Maybe they are a personification.

Poor Paul. He deserved better.

“Stosh” (Steve-O and Josh Turley) – #8 Seed

No matter which way you slice it, there are always going to be a few teams eliminated with an 0 – 3 record. Hell, the #1 seed in this tournament nearly hit that mark. “Stosh” was one of those teams in this tournament.

Though their games don’t appear to be competitive on the scoreboard, they made their opponents grind for victories – they weren’t losing games in three or four rounds. The 1 – 7 record covering the entire day is painful, but somewhat expected given Josh is a rookie and Steve-O was looking down from space, watching himself play cornhole most of the day.

Their tournament was also better than “Butt Jam’s” – they played hard, laughed, had fun, and stuck together. Ultimately that approach paid off by snapping a six-game losing streak with a Toilet Bowl semifinal win over “Butt Jam” (21 – 16).

Steve-O is a two-time champion. But he’s an all-time dude. Win or lose, he’s always laughing, vibing to the music, or hanging on for dear life as his rocket ship races to Mars. Though it wasn’t a successful pairing in the win-loss column, it was the perfect pairing to welcome Josh to the league. That’s how it should be.

ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM

The top four players receiving votes from the rest of the group were named to the 2022 Preseason All-Tournament Team.

JV helped lead “Mol-Ester” to a semifinal appearance and third place finish, earning him a spot on the All-Tournament Team for the fifth time in his career!

Scott was exceptional all day, earning his “Pink-Eyed Strippers” team the #1 seed in the tournament and digging them out of an 0 – 2 start to bracket play, only to rip off five straight victories before falling just short in the championship. His resilience and mental toughness was a key factor to his team’s success, and the rest of the players recognized that by voting him to the All-Tournament Team – the second of his career.

Turley was named to the All-Tournament Team for the second time in his career, including for the second consecutive tournament. This wasn’t a rubber stamped vote because he was on the title winning team. Turley was the perfect Robin in his dynamic duo, rounding out a squad that was almost untouchable.

Speaking of untouchable, Brent was a unanimous MVP of this tournament and represents the final member of the All-Tournament Team. Many rookies struggle, particularly in their first tournament, because the marathon of the day and pressure of each match becomes overwhelming. But none of that bothered Brent on this day. He was confident in his game, and trusted the best player (him) on the best team (his) would win in the end.

Congratulations to Brent on his first MVP, and to JV, Scott and Turley for their All-Tournament Team honors.