CLAWSON, MICHIGAN – For the first time since June 20, 2020, cornhole returned to Coach Mike’s house in Clawson. It has been 25 months since Coach last hosted an event, but that event was monumental – it was the 2020 Preseason Kick-Off, which broke COVID-19 and quarantine protocols to bring this crew of flunkies together for some much needed debauchery.

Twenty-five months ago COVID-19 was raging, Tiger King was the rave of Netflix, and DaBaby had the #1 spot on the Billboard 100 locked down with his hit, “Rockstar”.

Hold on guys, Bushie just took a break from yelling at the clouds, “Who is the baby and why is it a Rockstar?”. No Bushie, it’s DaBaby, and that song meets the beats per minute and number of drops necessary to be called “a banger”.

The last event at Coach’s house was a phenomenal bash, and as you’d expect, this one was no different. Whether it was because we played at Coach’s house, which is always an enticing draw, or whether it was Jack’s farewell tour before he moves to Chicago, everyone came out of the woodwork to hang and play. 14 guys were there, and most showed up early and stayed late. Hell, Steve-O showed up on a Thursday! Tony came out of retirement! There were bitches in the living room getting it on, and we weren’t leaving ‘til six in the mornin’!

GAME OF THE NIGHT

This week’s Game of the Night featured the 1980s MSU stone-washed jeans crew, plus Mr. Cocksucker. Since some of you don’t know what that means – Tony and Bushie paired up against Steve-O and Nick.

Honestly, it’s amazing this game qualified for Game of the Night considering at least 50% of the participants were high as a kite.

Despite substance abuse, this was a well-played game. After three innings the score was tied 9 – 9, and Bushie held firm against Nick, giving up just one net point (Bushie scored three on Nick, while giving up four points). Bushie averaged 6 points per round through three innings, while Nick averaged 6.3 points per round. The majority of the damage was done at the opposite end of the boards with Steve-O and Tony taking turns with big scoring rounds.

The damn broke in the fourth inning, where Nick scored six points on Bushie and Steve-O added another against Tony, making it 16 – 9. They pushed the lead to 18 – 9 after the fifth inning, and inched closer to victory after the top of the sixth inning, 20 – 9.

Somehow Nick only managed two points in the bottom of the sixth inning, yet Bushie couldn’t capitalize, scoring only three points. At least Bushie kept his squad alive, 20 – 10.

After a 4 – 4 wash in the top of the seventh inning, Bushie conjured all his internal rage and dropped the hammer on Nick – a 10 – 4 round to close his team’s deficit to 20 – 16!

The bags flipped to Tony and Steve-O. Gramps – Tony’s nickname…like I said, he came out of retirement – alleviated the stiffness in his back just long enough to drain his first three bags. Meanwhile, Steve-O’s cleanse hurt him at the worst time, hunger pangs for 50 mg edibles derailed his focus. He conceded an enormous round, making only one bag on the board. Tony had an opportunity for a 4-bagger on his last throw, even though the game was over, and missed because of too much heat on the bag.

No matter, his 9 – 1 round completed his team’s 20 – 9 comeback and handed Steve-O and Nick a “choke”. That game-clinching round also earns Tony this week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment. Congrats, Gramps! Like Ric Flair, it’s back to retirement. But it was great to see you!

NEWS AND NOTES

• Jack Daddy ended his 2022 season on the highest of notes, finishing with a 3 – 1 record. His 10.3 KPM isn’t his best, but it’s negatively impacted by the fact he made just 0.50 cornholes per round. His 61% accuracy was solid, especially given the conditions, which were extremely difficult for all players this week. The wind was swirling, but I also believe the unfamiliar sightlines caused players trouble. Regardless, Jack leaves us on a winning note and we only hope that this moment represents the end of a season, not the end of a career.

Jack, from all of us, we will miss you and prefer you to be local so we can spend more time together, more frequently. But, we understand this opportunity for you and your girl, and wish you both the best as you move to Chicago. Just two rules – 1) STAY IN TOUCH and 2) Please don’t become a Chicago sports fan!

We love you, brother, and will miss you dearly.

• As for the rest, I’m just going to post individual stats for quick browsing. Thank you to Coach for being such a gracious, amazing host (like always). Hell of a week, fellas.
• Nick – 19.7 KPM, 3 – 4 record, 6.2 points per round, 1.47 cornholes per round and 82% accuracy
• Turley – 18.5 KPM, 3 – 3 record, 5.8 points per round, 1.42 cornholes per round and 73% accuracy
• KP – 18.2 KPM, 5 – 2 record, 5.7 points per round, 1.39 cornholes per round and 73% accuracy
• Barker – 17.7 KPM, 2 – 0 record, 5.5 points per round, 1.36 cornholes per round and 70% accuracy
• Brent – 16.9 KPM, 4 – 2 record, 5.3 points per round, 1.31 cornholes per round and 66% accuracy
• Dibble – 14.9 KPM, 3 – 2 record, 4.7 points per round, 1.1 cornholes per round and 63% accuracy
• Tony – 13.5 KPM, 2 – 3 record, 4.3 points per round, 0.89 cornholes per round and 63% accuracy
• Bob – 12.5 KPM, 2 – 3 record, 3.9 points per round, 0.94 cornholes per round and 51% accuracy
• Bushie – 12.3 KPM, 3 – 4 record, 3.9 points per round, 0.88 cornholes per round and 53% accuracy
• Steve – O – 11.1 KPM, 1 – 6 record, 3.6 points per round, 0.74 cornholes per round and 52% accuracy
• Jack – 10.3 KPM, 3 – 1 record, 3.4 points per round, 0.50 cornholes per round and 61% accuracy
• Coach Mike – 9.3 KPM, 2 – 3 record, 3.0 points per round, 0.60 cornholes per round and 45% accuracy