SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN – Dibble had himself a night this week, scoring 6.4 points per round and 1.74 cornholes per round while shooting 74%. He scored three 12-point rounds and three 10-point rounds this week. Add it all up and it yielded a 20.9 KPM, jumping him from #3 to #1 in the young season Power Rankings.

And boy did the rest of the league hear about it. Shortly after the updated Power Rankings and statistics were posted to the league website, Dibble sent a screen shot, taunting the group with his name atop the rankings.

Give credit where it’s due, his 20.9 KPM this week and 19.8 KPM overall are undoubtedly impressive. But it’s a long season, and boasting about being #1 in the Power Rankings when there are four months remaining in the season is akin to celebrating on the sidelines when there’s 10 seconds left in the football game and your team still has to execute a punt…

God help us if Dibble ever wins a tournament because we’ll never hear the end of it.

GAME OF THE NIGHT

Speaking of never hearing the end of it, the bromance continued this week with Dibble and Brent slurping each other up all night. Dibble and Brent have each played 13 and 14 total games this season, respectively, and eight of their games have been as partners.

Encouraging them to “get a room” would be an understatement – the group was fearful we’d have to take cover while these two recreated the lift scene from Dirty Dancing in Brent’s pool.

“Heeeeeeeey, hey baby! I wanna know, if you’ll be my girl.”

Dibble, without hesitation, “Yes!”

Game 3 featured The Ambiguously Gay Duo against Galz and KP. In what appears to be their new pre-game ritual, Ace and Gary…errr…Dibble and Brent gathered at midcourt and summoned powerful cornhole skills from their “lightsaber,” which I’m still convinced is a double-dong dildo.

Early on, the double-dong prayers didn’t appear to help as both players were shooting blanks. They quickly found themselves down 13 – 4 after two innings.

But then Dibble exploded with a 6 – 0 advantage in the top of the third inning, bringing his team within four points, 14 – 10.  After exchanging a few points in the fourth inning, it was 16 – 11 in favor of KP and Galz.

Cue some Dibble heroics – he sank three cornholes in the fifth inning, securing a 9 – 3 advantage and propelling his team to a 17 – 16 lead. KP tied it at 17 – 17, but missed a push shot that could have won the game had he hit it.

In the top of the sixth, Dibble delivered the money shot. He drained three cornholes and added another bag on the board for 10 points, overwhelming Galz 10 – 4 to win the match 21 – 17. Dibble was visibly excited, quickly slapping hands with his opponent before embracing his partner with celebration.

As he squeezed Brent, the group overhead Dibble’s failed whispers of sweet nothings – “I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp. I wanna gag, I wanna choke. I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swings in the back of my throat.”

Okay, those are actually Cardi B lyrics, but you can imagine what it’d be like if Dibble really said that. Right?

Really, though, the two hopped in their cock car and threw themselves a celebratory parade.

MUSHROOM STAMP MOMENT

We might as well stay on theme, this week’s Mushroom Stamp Moment (“MSM”) also involves Dibble and Brent. This time, they were head-to-head…no, they weren’t “docking”! Pull your head out of the gutter!

In Game 9, Dibble and Erik had Brent and JV on the ropes with a 17 – 8 lead. Dibble, trying his best to impress his butt-buddy, hit three cornholes in the fifth inning and Brent couldn’t handle this stud (don’t worry, he tried again later in the evening), only scoring one point. The 9 – 1 round clinched a 21 – 8 victory for Dibble and Erik, and gives Dibble this week’s MSM!

NEWS AND NOTES

• Turley had a nice week, scoring four 10-point rounds on his way to a 16.5 KPM, 5.3 points per round, 1.13 cornholes per round and 75% shooting. Excellent numbers for him, which unfortunately did not produce victories – he finished with a 2 – 6 record. Nonetheless, he appears in the Power Rankings for the first time this season, entering at #4
• Brent was leap-frogged by his boyfriend in the Power Rankings, falling from #1 to #3. His individual metrics fell short of his high ceiling (15.2 KPM, 4.9 points per round, 1.02 cornholes per round, and 71% accuracy), yet he still won games, evidenced by his 5 – 2 record. He can thank Dibble for that
• JV had a steady night, shooting 71% and scoring 4.9 points per round…much better than last week’s 49% and 4.3 points per round. His 15.5 week 2 KPM helped him jump from #7 to #5 in the Power Rankings
• Erik fell from #4 to #7 in the Power Rankings, despite playing pretty well! He had a 4 – 3 record while producing a 14.1 KPM thanks to 67% shooting, 0.92 cornholes per round and 4.5 points per round
• Galz had arguably his roughest week ever – 13.9 KPM, 4.4 points per round and 0.89 cornholes per round on 64% shooting. Maybe it’s because his pink eye settled down, or maybe he was overwhelmed by the male erotica. I don’t expect him to stay down for long
• KP logged a 20.1 KPM, 6.3 points per round and 1.52 cornholes per round on 82% shooting, all of which contributed to a 6 – 2 record