CLAWSON, MICHIGAN – Lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!
More like, mullets and tigers and jorts, OH…MY…GAWD!
The 2020 Preseason Kick-off Tournament went all-out gay hillbilly zoo with the “Joe Exotic” theme.
Paul brought his tiger to the tournament. JV nailed Doc Antle, without all the hoes. KP went full Tiger King by painting Bengal stripes in his beard. And, Nick and Erik looked like the perfect hicks to lead the remaining bums around tiger cages, scooping shit and shooting guns.
It’s unbelievable the Clawson PD didn’t show up at Coach Mike’s to arrest every one of us. We all violated our restraining order because we were too close to all the kids at Clawson High School.
It was gross. It was glorious.
DRAFT LOTTERY
After the most competitive tournament we’ve ever had to finish the 2019 season, we decided to follow a similar format for the Draft Lottery. The 12 players were ranked using a combination of current and prior year KPM (some players had not yet made a 2020 appearance, so in those cases their 2019 data was used), and a line was drawn between the #6 and #7 ranked players to create two groups:
- Players ranked #7 – #12 represented the drafters – each player was given one ping pong ball with their name on it, and were all given equal odds to earn the #1 overall pick. This group of players included:
- Paul
- Bushie
- Coach Mike
- Erik
- Jack
- Steve
- Players ranked #1 – #6 were excluded from the lottery wheel and represented the pool of draftees. This group of players included:
- Nick
- Dibble
- Galz
- JV
- Tony
- KP
The lottery wheel was spinning, all players eagerly awaiting the selection of the first ping pong ball. The first ball was snatched and rolled down the ramp to reveal the fortunate winner of the #1 overall pick – Coach Mike! Now that’s some homecourt cooking, if I’ve ever seen it.
The rest of the lottery order was determined (see summary table below), and then it was time to draft partners. With so many good players to choose from, Coach Mike couldn’t go wrong…could he?
Coach Mike was on the clock. MC Tony D. holding the mic, waiting for the pick to be in…and then, “I guess we have to run this back,” Coach Mike said, uneasiness in his voice. “I’ll take Dibble.”
MC Tony D. officially announces, “With the first pick in the 2020 LEG Preseason Kick-off Tournament, Coach Mike selects Dibble!”
And there it was, the same duo “running it back,” trying to avenge a disappointing 2019 Postseason Tournament.
After a few picks, Steve was on the clock with pick #4 and couldn’t believe who was still available…Nick! Steve took a pull from his beer, searched for a bong hit but came up empty because Bushie wasn’t around, so instead he turned to MC Tony D. – “Winkler,” he said, nonchalantly.
This was a *real* team running it back. Steve felt like he was getting a steal at #4, and who could argue? After all, in the 2019 Postseason Tournament Steve won rights to the #1 pick and selected Nick. They were excellent in the tournament, earning the #1 seed after round robin play, and marching all the way to the semifinals before elimination.
Here is how the rest of the draft played out, including draft order, players drafted, and team names:
| Pick | Player | Partner Drafted | Team Name |
| 1 | Coach Mike | Dibble | “Bat Wing” |
| 2 | Jack | KP | “$80 of Baking Soda” |
| 3 | Paul | Galz | “Daddy’s Home” |
| 4 | Steve | Nick | “Stinkler” |
| 5 | Erik | JV | “Wolfe Pack” |
| 6 | Bushie** | Tony | “Cockweights” |
**Bushie was a last minute scratch from the tournament, leaving Tony without a partner. Unfortunately for Tony, that meant his “team” forfeited every game during round robin play. However, Coach Mike found a neighborhood friend, Jesse, who wanted to play, and that allowed Tony a chance to compete in the tournament.
ROUND ROBIN
Note: All win/loss records in parenthesis are adjusted to exclude the forfeited win given to each team due to “Cockweights” not having two guys play during round robin.
The tournament was structured to create the optimal competitive balance, and on paper the teams appeared to have achieved the goal. However, round robin was anything but competitive. Excluding the forfeited games by “Cockweights” there were 20 games in round robin. Only two of those 20 games were decided by five points or less, and both of those two games were 21-16 finishes.
“Stinkler”
At the forefront of blowout city was “Stinkler,” going 5-0 (4-0) without breaking a sweat. Nick actually looked like the guy who won a championship in 2016 and a Singles title in 2018 – he beat the brakes off every single challenger. Meanwhile, Steve also caught fire and was dominating his head-to-head match-ups.
Every team who lined up against “Stinkler” had one goal – attempt to draw even against Nick, and whomever was head-to-head with Steve had to win that match-up. Well, that didn’t work. Not even close. “Stinkler” routed the competition:
- Beat “Daddy’s Home” 21 – 12
- Beat “Wolfe Pack” 21 – 3
- Beat “Bat Wing” 21 – 11
- Beat “$80 of Baking Soda” 21 – 10
- Forfeit win over “Cockweights” 21 – 0
The dynamic duo easily earned the #1 overall seed, their second-consecutive tournament earning that honor. Now, the only question was if they could cash in on that advantage.
“Bat Wing”
Speaking of “running it back,” let’s check in on “Bat Wing.” Coach Mike looked primed for a strong performance, and has experience with deep runs in tournaments. The only runs Dibble has experience with are the ones he deposited in Bushie’s toilet after too many PBRs and hot wings.
In fairness to Dibble, he has only played in one doubles tournament prior to this. However, he is supremely confident and has the league’s highest KPM accumulated through the Thursday night regular season.
Unfortunately “Bat Wing” picked up where the duo left off in the 2019 Postseason Tournament…in disappointing fashion. They lost all round robin games (excluding the forfeit win over “Cockweights”), and seemed to lose all confidence in the process.
- Lost to “$80 of Baking Soda” 12 – 21
- Lost to “Daddy’s Home” 7 – 21
- Lost to “Stinkler” 11 – 21
- Lost to “Wolfe Pack” 16 – 21, which was competitive, but JV got the upper hand against Dibble, and closed him out to clinch the match
- Forfeit win over “Cockweights” 21 – 0
Things were so bad for “Bat Wing” that even their forfeit victory didn’t hold water. Once Jesse arrived and allowed “Cockweights” an opportunity to compete, “Bat Wing” offered them a friendly warm-up match before the triple-elimination tournament began. This match didn’t impact seeding, and literally meant nothing. Though, it was a critical opportunity for “Bat Wing” to find a rhythm to jump start their day.
Once again, they were denied any momentum. Jesse, while rusty, still outplayed Coach Mike, and Tony made Dibble looked like the pre-teens Tony’s used to bullying in cornhole.
“Daddy’s Home”
On the other side of the coin, “Daddy’s Home” was on a roll! Sure, they lost 12 – 21 to “Stinkler,” but they won the rest of their matches to finish 4-1 (3-1), and earned the #2 seed in the process.
Paul pulled double duty, taming his tiger and taming his head-to-head opponents. Meanwhile, Galz looked like a hillbilly Oklahoman who just walked out of a gay Miami club at 5 am, only to kick everyone’s ass in cornhole.
These guys were kicking ass and taking names. Did they have enough to topple “Stinkler”? Galz is a former champion (2019 Preseason Kick-Off), and had an epic head-to-head battle with Nick in the title match of the 2018 Singles Tournament. He eventually lost that match, but proved he’s not intimated by Nick and has the game to beat him.
Paul hasn’t won a title, but he’s made several appearances deep in tournaments, including leading his partnership with Bushie to a semifinal appearance. Paul also consumes enough liquid courage to help him mentally. “Daddy’s Home” has a nice recipe brewing for title contention.
“$80 of Baking Soda”
Jack selected KP with the second pick in the draft, and the defending champion was eager to become the fourth player to win consecutive tournament championships, joining JG, JV, and Barker.
Jack started round robin throwing good, consistent bags. Unfortunately for him, his prized pick wasn’t holding up his end of the deal. Maybe it was bad juju from selecting a team name that mocked the host (Coach Mike). If so, the bad juju is worth the mocking because you can’t drop $80 on powder in the streets of NOLA and have it turn out to be baking soda.
Regardless the reason, KP didn’t have anything going early on. In fact, “$80 of Baking Soda” hung around in tough losses to “Daddy’s Home” (14-21), “Stinkler” (10-21), and “Wolfe Pack” (16-21) solely because of Jack grinding in those matches.
After starting 0-3 in round robin with only one more match remaining, KP reassured Jack they were going to be ok. “We gotta get this game against Dibble and Coach, and that will get us rolling! We’re this close!” he said, holding his thumb and pointer finger half an inch apart, as if he were milking a cat (yes, cats can be milked. You can milk anything with nipples).
Dibble and Coach Mike have nipples, and they got milked in the final round robin match against Jack and KP! Wait, that seems like a bad analogy, especially when talking about Aunt Millie Mike, the king of bun runs. As I write that, all I picture is Dibble and Coach face down on tables, d*ckhole cut out of it, waiting eagerly.
How about, “Jack and KP bullied Dibble and Coach Mike, stole their lunch and took their milk money”? That’s better, though still not enough to erase what I’ve created…
A 21-12 convincing victory for “$80 of Baking Soda” reinforced KP’s message. But was it what the doctor ordered?
“Wolfe Pack”
With JV as the anchor, “Wolfe Pack” seemed to have a legit shot at a title. After all, JV has appeared in three championship matches (winning two) since joining the league in 2017. He’s batting .500 as far as making it to the final match. He has more title appearances than Doc Antle has women, and that’s damn tough to beat!
Adding fuel to JV’s fire is the fact he was the fifth overall pick, and technically the last player picked in the draft. “Tournament JV” is dangerous. “Tournament JV” with a chip on his shoulder is lethal.
However, “Wolfe Pack” looked more like a roller coaster than a title contender during round robin. They played in the only two “close” games, though they did win both. But 21-16 victories over downtrodden “Bat Wing” and struggling “$80 of Baking Soda” aren’t hat-hanging worthy. Tack on 3-21 and 9-21 losses to “Stinkler” and “Daddy’s Home,” respectively, and it was hard to call “Wolfe Pack” a true contender. They did earn the #3 seed, allowing them to avoid “Stinkler” for a few rounds.
OPENING ROUND AND WINNERS’ BRACKET
Upon conclusion of round robin matches the commissioner dropped another bomb on the players. Instead of rewarding the best teams from round robin with a bye in the opening round of the tournament, the worst seeded teams would now be rewarded with the opening round byes.
All players were confused. Why would the commissioner make this ruling? The curve ball was predetermined earlier in the week, the goal of which was to create more competitive balance. The new rule forces the top four seeds to square off in the opening round, guaranteeing that two of those top four seeds will incur an immediate loss. It also provides a slight reprieve to the bottom two seeds.
The reformatted bracket looked like this:
After their forgettable round robin performance, “Bat Wing” found themselves with a much needed first round bye. “Cockweights” solidified the other bye thanks to five forfeitures.
The opening round of the tournament featured intriguing match-ups, but once again the favored teams easily handled their business:
- #1 “Stinkler” trucked #4 “$80 of Baking Soda,” 21-9. Steve played out of his mind, riding the rhythm of his long, sweeping lefty toss. At the other end, Nick continued resemble championship form by putting a stranglehold on KP.
- In the other opening round match, #2 “Daddy’s Home” beat #3 “Wolfe Pack” for the second time of the day. This time, Galz overpowered JV on the way to a 21-12 victory. Galz had his power game working in this match, pushing JV’s blockers out of the way with ease, and draining cornholes almost every round.
“Stinkler” advanced to play “Cockweights,” which was an intriguing game given Tony hadn’t played all day, and Jesse’s talent was still a mystery. Tony’s a very good player, and capable of getting on a roll to neutralize Nick. Could Jesse dominate the head-to-head with Steve, giving the #6 seed a fighting chance at a monster upset?
Not this time. “Cockweights” played a respectable match, but things were never really in doubt. “Stinkler” cruised to a 21-12 win, and ran their winning streak to six games.
“Daddy’s Home” had little trouble with #5 “Bat Wing” in round robin, controlling them in a 21-7 win. In the second round, they tamed “Bat Wing” again by the same score, 21-7.
A tournament full of promising parity was now all chalk in the Winners’ Bracket, pitting #1 “Stinkler” against #2 “Daddy’s Home” for a spot in the Winners’ Bracket semifinals.
Galz started the match throwing big blows at Nick, hitting cornholes in each of the first three rounds to keep the match close, just a 9-8 deficit. But Steve dropped a 10-point round on Paul to break the game open, and that cushion was enough to convince Nick to become just a bit more aggressive in trying to hold off Galz’s attempts at big rounds.
“Stinkler” closed the game on a 12-4 run and won going away, 21-12. Their exceptional play had positioned them as the team to beat.
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST
After receiving a gift with the opening round bye, “Bat Wing” squandered a great opportunity to kick-start their tournament, losing to “Daddy’s Home,” 21-7. That sent them to the Losers’ Bracket against “Wolfe Pack,” who was also trying to find consistency.
That’s when Erik finally stepped up. Nobody knows what caused it, but Erik reached new heights in this game. He crushed Coach Mike in the head-to-head match! Maybe it was all the nightmares of Coach Mike calling him “Sam” when they first met, saying, “You can have your name back when you earn it.”
Well, he certainly earned it in this one. Erik was crucial in leading his team to a 21-11 win, which also dropped “Bat Wing” to one game from elimination.
“Cockweights” pulled the first upset of the day when they topped “$80 of Baking Soda,” 21-13. Tony danced circles around KP, and Jesse’s beautiful spinning pancake found more consistency than Jack. It was a statement win, and set up a big match with “Wolfe Pack.”
Could “Cockweights” continue their surge and pull another upset? They hardly looked like an underdog against “$80 of Baking Soda,” and you have to wonder if they would’ve been one of the top seeds had they played round robin. This was a scary game for “Wolfe Pack.”
Scary as it may have been, some movies just aren’t as scary anymore when you’ve seen them over and over. Tell me if you’ve heard this before – big tournament match requiring an exceptional performance to avoid facing elimination, and JV rises to the occasion. This seems to happen several times every tournament, and it happened for the first time in the 2020 Preseason Kick-Off in this game.
JV made “Cockweights” look like they had a 45 pound plate strapped to their shaft. He was dealing, displaying his array of shot-making skills – rainbow airmails, perfectly placed D-bag blockers preventing Tony from good looks at the hole, bully bags to force Tony’s bags out of position, and right-to-left shot shaping to sink precise cornholes.
THIS is the JV many expected to see, it just took him half the day to finally show up. He led “Wolfe Pack” to a convincing 21-9 win over “Cockweights,” earning a match with “Daddy’s Home” for the third time.
JV’s killer instinct was on full blast, and Erik’s confidence was sky rocketing. After already losing twice to “Daddy’s Home,” “Wolfe Pack” showed up for this one pissed off, ready to kick ass and chew bubble gum; except they were all out of bubble gum!
“Wolfe Pack” almost played a perfect game while dissecting “Daddy’s Home,” 21-12, avenging two prior losses. Suddenly, “Wolfe Pack” climbed back up for air and earned a shot at “Stinkler.”
Meanwhile, “Daddy’s Home” was reeling after two straight losses. Paul had let the tiger out of the cage too soon, and needed to tame it ASAP. Galz was running on fumes from clubbing in Miami until 5 am and either needed a tranny or a line of baking soda. Where’s Coach Mike when you need him?!?!
BYE FELICIA!
Who would’ve thought the teams owning the #1 and #2 draft picks would be the first to face elimination? Two straight losses sent “Bat Wing” and “$80 of Baking Soda” to the bottom left of the bracket, which means they were fighting for their tournament lives in an elimination game.
KP felt it was time for another inspirational moment. He walked Jack over to the bracket, “We are fine! Play our game, we are fine. In all the tournaments I’ve played, I’ve never not made it here,” he preached, as he pointed to the semifinal game on the bracket. “I promise you we will get there. Play your game, play confident, and don’t worry about mistakes. We will get there.”
That seemed like a bold statement considering it was four games away, “$80 of Baking Soda” had no room for error, and they had not played well all day.
But they had what the doctor ordered – “Bat Wing.” KP was focused and hellbent on crushing Dibble. He had to be, after his bracket sermon with Jack. Dibble had no chance against KP, nor did Coach Mike against Jack.
“$80 of Baking Soda” rolled to a 21-15 win, keeping hope alive and sending “Bat Wing” home with an 0-8 record on the day. Since Coach and Dibble couldn’t “run it back,” they ran to the neighborhood ice cream man upon elimination.
KP kept his promise to Jack. After beating “Bat Wing,” they ripped off consecutive wins in elimination games against “Cockweights” (21-3) and “Daddy’s Home” (21-12), landing a spot in the semifinals.
CHAMPIONSHIP BERTHS
“$80 of Baking Soda” cemented their spot in the semifinals, albeit crawling through the mud of the Double Losers’ Bracket. They awaited the showdown between “Stinkler” and “Wolfe Pack.”
“Stinkler” was winning with such ease that their biggest opponent was battling rust and complacency while waiting for the Losers’ Bracket to shakeout.
They also had their hands full with a dangerous “Wolfe Pack” squad. The only prior meeting between these two squads was a 21-3 throttling by “Stinkler” in round robin play. That match was a loooooooong time ago, and this is a different “Wolfe Pack.”
JV gets all the hype, and deservedly so. But, an unsung hero continues to emerge and that’s Erik. In this enormous game, he played enormously. Erik stepped on Steve’s throat early and applied more pressure with every throw, hoping he’d tap out.
Erik helped his team hang around, and deep into the match it was tied, 12-12. The bags were in the big guns’ hands, and JV was the right man for this moment. He drained three cornholes and boarded another bag, while Nick could muster just four points – JV posted a commanding 10-4 round to put his team up 18-12!
This was the first time all day “Stinkler” had truly been tested. The bags went back to Erik and Steve, and Erik tosses first.
CORNHOLE!
Holy shit! Technically it was 21-12, though Steve still had four more bags remaining (Erik with three). The untouchable now seemed human!
Steve puffs his cigar and let’s a bag fly. CORNHOLE!
What an answer! That shot seemed to deflate Erik, as his next three tosses missed the board. Steve capitalized by sinking two more cornholes, good for a 9-3 round and just like that it was tied, 18-18.
“Stinkler” was on the ropes, and Steve fought his ass off to keep things alive for Nick.
The very next round, Nick closed the game by getting the best of JV. “Stinkler” pulled off an unbelievable 21-18 win, when moments prior it looked like they were going to get upended.
The victory advanced them to the title match, and their undefeated record meant their title match opponent had to win three straight games to claim The Cup.
PROMISES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN
Two teams remained opposite “Stinkler,” and now the winner would earn a title match bid and the opportunity to climb the championship mountain, needing to beat “Stinkler” three consecutive games.
KP and Jack had been battling for their tournament lives with no room for error. They were ready to get one more win under their belt and punch a ticket to the title match. They weren’t intimidated by “Wolfe Pack,” though they lost the only other match of the day against them in round robin (21-16).
The intensity of this match was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Not even a passed out Galz periodically waking up to vomit in the background could distract these four players.
A back-and-forth game throughout was 15-14 in favor of “Wolfe Pack” after six or seven rounds. Erik and JV both refused to lose, each contributing three net points to end the game on a 6-1 run to win, 21-15.
JV gave a fist pump in the final moments and celebrated with Erik – “Screw KPM! That shit means nothing! We just went through a tournament and beat Dibble, KP, Galz, Coach, and Tony. Don’t be scared of anyone!”
JV was right. This tournament proved Erik is capable of taking his game to new heights, and JV was the perfect partner to push him there.
“$80 of Baking Soda” was disappointed, their run was over. But they were proud of the championship mettle emergence when their backs were against the wall.
CHAMPIONSHIP – “STINKLER” vs. “WOLFE PACK”
The title match was set, and though “Stinkler” had a three game advantage to play with, they knew better than to play with “Wolfe Pack” after escaping the recent semifinal match.
“Wolfe Pack” pushed them again, exchanging leads throughout the game. They were supremely confident, winning four of their last five games, the only loss being that squandered 18-12 lead in the semifinal showdown with “Stinkler.”
Nick gave “Stinkler” some breathing room late in the first game when he posted eight crucial points (five net points), resulting in a 17-12 lead.
Erik and JV kept grinding, closing the gap to 18-16. But Nick is a bad, bad man. This is the Nick who has won titles, who is the best player in the league. This Nick has been gone for a few years, but he’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Nick quickly closed the game, 21-16, and helped “Stinkler” win a title! Wire-to-wire winners, 10-0 on the day, and the last few matches against “Wolfe Pack” weren’t easy. Yet, they played from a position of power all day thanks to Nick’s rebirth as the baddest dude in LEG and Steve being that silky smooth stealth bomber.
They were the perfect combination on this day, and were the one team who made the right decision to run it back.
“Stinkler”! Champions!
This championship the first of Steve’s career, while Nick becomes the leader in LEG hardware with two doubles titles (ties him with JG, JV, and Barker for most all-time) and a Singles title.
Congratulations to “Stinkler,” your 2020 Preseason Kick-Off Tournament Champions!
ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM
The 2020 Preseason All-Tournament Team was voted by the players, and the top four players receiving votes were named to the All-Tournament Team. Nick was the unanimous MVP, reminding the entire league who the Original Gangsta really is.
JV was a rock star and easily the second-best player in this tournament. He was voted to the All-Tournament Team.
The last two members of the All-Tournament Team were newcomers, and a bit of a surprise. It’s never a given that both players from the champions and runner-up to comprise the All-Tournament Team. But in this case, Steve and Erik both earned their All-Tournament Team honors because they took their games to another level, and out-played other heavyweights all day.
