BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – Guess who’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaack??? That’s right, gentlemen, Mario Black returned to LEG for the first time since leaving for Atlanta in 2018.

He’ll be the first to tell you the move to Atlanta was because he loved the city and wanted to further his career. But the truth is he exhausted his roster of metro Detroit girls who were willing to pay for dinner, drinks, cider and donuts, etc. because he “forgot his wallet.”

Mario’s move paid off and his dating prospects have flourished – evidenced by his grand entrance at Bushie’s house in week 6. My guy rolled up like he was in the middle of a horrifically awesome Grindr date – Mario, one “bear,” one “cub,” and some poor, cute Asian girl. The only thing missing was a ball gag and anal hook.

He may be freaky. He may be a cheap date. But he’s OUR freaky cheap date and it was good to have him back! Oh, and apparently he learned how to play cornhole down south. More on that later.

GAME OF THE NIGHT

Week 6 was a spectacle thanks to five of the eight players crossing the 10.0 KPM threshold. Bizarrely despite sizzling individual performances, only four of 12 games were decided by six points or fewer – three of those four “close” games were 21-15 decisions.

Thus, the Game of the Night was a relatively easy decision not only because it was the closest game of the night, but because it had the most excitement and drama.

Paul and Erik partnered against Bushie and Dibble in Game 4. Paul and Erik sprinted to a 7-1 early lead with Erik chipping in two points, while Paul used a 7-point round to dominate Bushie.

That lead was gone quicker than a wet JV fart leaves his asshole. Dibble dropped a three-bagger on Erik in the third round, giving Bushie and him an 8-7 advantage. They upped the lead to 12-7 to cap an 11-0 run when Bushie answered Paul in the fourth round, tying him 7-7, and Dibble pounded Erik 5-1.

In round five the match caught fire. Paul resurrected his team’s chances with an 8-0 donkey punch to Bushie, making it 15-12. Dibble controlled Erik with a 6-0 win in the bottom of the fifth round, leapfrogging to an 18-15 lead.

Paul’s shoulders were heavy, the weight of the match squarely on them. Fully aware that turning the bags back to Erik against Dibble would give his team a long shot at victory, he prepared to end it against Bushie.

Bushie possessed first toss honors, and an opportunity to throw an anvil on Paul’s shoulders. But, he missed the board completely. Paul sighed, waggled…waggled…waggled…for fuck’s sake, toss the bag, Paul! Somewhere, Paul is STILL waggling. He finally delivered his first bag to the bottom of the hole!

Bushie missed again, followed by another Paul cornhole. Two bags remaining for each player, and Paul pushed the score to 21-18. Could he hang on through the final two bags?

Indeed he could. And he did. Paul drained his third cornhole of the round and stuck another bag on the board for 10 points. Meanwhile, Bushie went limp and scored only one point of his four tosses. Paul posterized Bushie with a 10-1 round, giving his team an incredible 21-18 victory!

Paul closed the game with rounds of 7-8-10, including seven cornholes in that stretch. He recorded 34 gross points and nine cornholes in just six rounds.

This game epitomized Paul’s night, his second straight week topping 10.0 KPM – he finished at 10.7 on 60% shooting and had a 3-2 record.

SHOW US SOME DIIIIIIIICK!

In Game 7 Coach Mike and Jack teamed to take on Mario and his “bear,” Kyle.

Mario and Kyle had the perfect first date, putting bags in holes, and predictably it didn’t last long. After only five rounds, the game was over – an implausible 21-0 victory for Mario and Kyle! Mario went H.A.M. with 15 of his 18 points coming from cornholes, and Kyle handcuffed Jack the entire match. It was an unexpected win, but to drop a bun run on Coach and Jack? Nobody saw it coming.

Shameless, both players stripped and paraded around the yard in their boxers. Thankfully Coach decided to wear underwear, and Jack modeled his new pair as if he knew this was going to happen.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Despite the embarrassment of being bun run, Coach Mike actually resurrected himself this week. He’s been on the cusp of great things for weeks, but he actually put it all together tonight. The back-handed taint tickler was elegant, dancing daintily in the air and two-stepping like a Texan once it hit the board.

Coach dropped an 11.0 KPM on the challengers this week, and finished with a 3-3 record on 53% shooting.

His night started red-hot in Game 1 with nine cornholes and 34 gross points (both were best of any player in the game) in just seven rounds. He carried Dibble to a 21-8 victory over Bushie and Jack.

He finished the night with 0.73 cornholes per round and 3.5 gross points per round, both are excellent numbers and indicators that Coach is becoming a dangerous man again.

MUSHROOM STAMP MOMENT

If you’re wondering why Paul’s 10-1 clincher in the Game of the Night isn’t this week’s MSM, it’s a fair question. The answer is because Paul had arguably a more impressive close to Game 8 – his team (Galz as his partner) held a 14-7 lead over Dibble and Erik. We all know Dibble is a bad man, yet Paul was going head-to-head with him.

Paul drilled two cornholes and two more bags on the board, and Dibble could only manage one of his four tosses on the board, good for an 8-1 advantage for Paul and a 21-7 victory.

Paul not only outscored Dibble in this game (17-12 in just five rounds), but he also holds a 58-35 season head-to-head advantage, becoming the only guy in the league to hold a head-to-head advantage against Dibble.

For that, Paul earns this week’s MSM.

SOUTHERN CHARM

Mario has a lot going for him. A million dollar smile. A Rolodex of hoes from Tinder and Bumble. And now, he crushes cornhole. Mario posted a 10.3 KPM this week! Keep in mind his best KPM for a season was 4.9 (2017) and never finished an individual week higher than 8.0.

He returned to Beverly Hills ready to impress the group. He threw fire this week, dropping cornholes at 0.79 per round and scoring 3.2 gross points per round. His accuracy was 41%, which isn’t blowing anyone away, but is still about 10% higher than his average.

Mario was excellent statistically, finished with a 1-1 record and forced the bun run on Jack and Coach Mike. It’s too bad he isn’t here to stay, but it was a privilege to have him back.

POUR ONE OUT FOR THE HOMIES

The highlight of the night might have been when Bushie turned to KP toward the end of the night and slurred, “Peters, everyone is pouring my Coors Light on the ground. Every time I turn around the can is empty.”

KP laughs and ensures Bushie he’s just drinking them fast.

KP’s words wash over Bushie like cold blue Rockies slamming into the back of his throat. “I know,” he poetically sighed.

Chalk it up to the gallons of Coors Light, or even the tequila shots in Bushie’s basement. That’s right, Bushie tried to lure the group to his sex dungeon for shots and anal hooks. We all lived to see another day, though. #strengthinnumbers

NEWS AND NOTES

• Erik finished with a strong night, going 2-3 with a 9.1 KPM. His accuracy continues to climb, this week shooting 57% and scoring 3.1 gross points per round. If he can knock in cornholes at a bit better clip (just 0.39 per round this week), he will easily cross the 10.0 KPM threshold and become a scary opponent for most in the league.
• Dibble was excellent in his encore week, posting the top KPM of the night (14.8) primarily driven by his 1.06 cornholes per round. The guy just makes cornholes. His accuracy is very good (64%), but he averages more than one cornhole every four bags. That’s tough to overcome, though he finished with just a 4-3 record.
• Speaking of 4-3, Galz settled in at that spot as well. He did register a 12.9 KPM on 68% shooting and swished 0.74 cornholes per round on his way to 4.2 gross points per round. He also scored a 10-point round, one of only two this week (Paul had the other). Galz had a great night, but couldn’t climb out of the #4 spot in the Power Rankings.
• Jack keeps showing promise, but fades late. His accuracy was pretty good (49%) and cornholes were on par with the league average (0.44 per round). But those numbers were better early in the night. Of course, his bun run didn’t help matters. Jack needs reps. The more he plays, the better he’ll become. Keep an eye on him in the second half of the season as he builds toward the Postseason Tournament.