NOVI, MICHIGAN –

“I am a real American”

“Fight for the rights of every man”

“I am a real American”

“Fight for what’s right – fight for your life!”

These lyrics echoed from a Jeep as it turned on Cypress Way. JV and KP halted their tournament setup progress to lookup. Before the Jeep clicked into park, the driver’s door swung open and out stepped Galz Hogan.

He didn’t turn the car off, didn’t close the driver’s door, didn’t lower the theme music. He stepped right up to KP, grabbed his hand holding an invisible mic, and sent a message to JV. In short, “I’m coming for you, brother!”

Yes, Galz was coming for JV, but “you” meant 16 other guys vying for The Cup.

LEG was once again the epicenter of the cornhole world as 18 players arrived at the 2019 Preseason Kick-Off Tournament, decked out to celebrate the 1980’s.

Coach Mike hopped out of an Uber looking like Run-DMC with a boombox already blasting Cypress Hill and a cooler full of Bud Light Limes in the other hand. The tournament theme was to honor Coach (and Bushie, Steve-O, and Tony – all of whom couldn’t participate) for turning 50 years old in 2019 by throwing things back to his college years.

He was the guest of honor, and he was dressed to kill.

DRAFT LOTTERY

The draft lottery was completely random, with the ping pong balls deciding teams rather than giving the players any option to draft their partners. The commissioner felt it was the most logical way to create balanced teams, and it seemed to work.

Two sets of ping pong balls were numbered 1 – 9 and entered into the lottery wheel. The two players who randomly drew ping pong ball #1 were partners, and so on. The resulting teams were formed:

Team Name	Player 1	Player 2
Dego ‘N Oates	Marco	Scott
The Mega Powers	Galz	Matt Meyer (“Meyer”)
Larry Bird is His Uncle!	Coach Mike	Dan
Cornholios	Jeff Vack	Brian Parr (“BP”)
District 5	KP	Paul G.
2010s	Pierson	Paul
Three Inches is Better Than Nothing	JV	Mike T.
Cinco de Drinko	Bert	Kyle
No Whammies	Ryan	Barker

On paper, two dominant teams stood out – Dego ‘N Oates and The Mega Powers – while the remaining teams were extremely balanced. No Whammies looked dangerous because of two-time champion, Barker, and the first-ever champion, Ryan Harvey.

Larry Bird is His Uncle! was also a paper-contender thanks to the rapidly improving Dan Ranville, and the veteran explosiveness of Coach Mike.

JV and Mike were a big mystery because Mike was making his first LEG appearance, but they were hell-bent on forming the most ridiculous team name just so KP had to engrave The Cup in case they won, Three Inches is Better Than Nothing.

ROUND ROBIN

Not only were teams randomly drafted, but the round robin schedule was also randomly decided prior to formation of teams. Nine teams each played four round robin games, the results of which were used for seeding the triple elimination tournament.

The dominant teams on paper turned out to truly be dominant in the round robin session. Dego ‘N Oates won all four of their games, outscoring their opponents by a ridiculous 84-30 margin and their closest game was a 21-11 win over District 5.

As good as Dego ‘N Oates was, The Mega Powers somehow found a way to more dominance. Galz Hogan was unbelievable, making cornholes look effortless and leading his team to a perfect record (4-0) by outscoring opponents 84-24. Their closest game was a 21-8 victory, which happened twice (poor District 5 and 2010s).

Thanks to a larger margin of victory, The Mega Powers earned the number one overall seed and Dego ‘N Oates claimed the number two seed. Both teams were on opposite sides of the bracket and seemed primed for a collision course to meet in the late stages of the tournament.

The remaining seven teams licked their wounds from the top two seeds and took turns beating the hell out of each other. Four squads finished 2-2 in round robin: Larry Bird is His Uncle!, District 5, Three Inches is Better Than Nothing, and No Whammies.

Cinco de Drinko was ready to party from the moment the first bag was tossed, and they were aggressively foot snagging their opponents. They finished round robin 1-3, but might’ve had the most impressive win in round robin for any team not named The Mega Powers or Dego ‘N Oates. Kyle found his rhythm and Bert showed signs of his 2017 championship form when they dominated the talented Larry Bird is His Uncle! in a 21-13 win.

Pierson and Paul, 2010s, prevented Cinco de Drinko from joining the 2-2 club when they knocked them off 21-15. Both 2010s and Cinco de Drinko finished round robin with 1-3 records.

Cornholios struggled to score, finishing with just 20 total points after four round robin games (losses of 21-4, 21-5, 21-1, and 21-10). In fairness, they were ripping shots of Fireball and the beer was flowing like water. BP was a blur of neon and tie dye awesomeness, while Jeff’s mustache interfered with every aspect of his game, other than downing booze like a proud drunken republican. The rookie duo finished round robin at 0-4, and firmly as the number nine seed.

The tie-breakers were analyzed, seeds were locked, and the triple elimination Royal Rumble was on:

 

 

TOURNAMENT

After a win-less round robin, Cornholios pulled an upset in game 1 against Cinco de Drinko. Booze calmed their nerves, and the “woosh” sound of BP’s windbreaker pants every time he stepped to throw distracted Bert just enough to allow Cornholios to hang around in this game. As we all know, the longer an underdog hangs around, the bigger threat they become. Cornholios pulled a stunner, scoring more points (21) in the victory than they did in four round robin games (20). Their reward? A date with The Mega Powers.

Another mild upset occurred in the #4 vs. #5 match-up when Larry Bird is His Uncle! topped Three Inches is Better Than Nothing, 21-16.

Coach Mike didn’t know if he should fill JV with mouthwash and put him in his mouth, or drop cornhole after cornhole on his ass. Thankfully for all of us Coach decided to drop cornholes.

During post-game interviews Coach celebrated on the sidelines getting “tricky” with his gyrations. Meanwhile, a distraught Magnum P.I. (Mike) couldn’t stop telling KP all about his three inches.

No Whammies exploded in the first round, embarrassing District 5, 21-1. Barker and Harvey (combined three LEG titles) seemed poised to make noise. But that quickly ended in the second round when #2 Dego ‘N Oates handled them easily, 21-12.

The winner’s bracket collision course between the two best seeds came to fruition after The Mega Powers dealt a bunrun to two straight opponents, beating #9 Cornholios and #5 Larry Bird is His Uncle! 21-0.

Rules are rules, and the victims payed homage to the bunrun tradition – BP, Jeff, and Coach Mike all chose calisthenics sandwiched between Fireball shots, while Dan honorably pranced a naked lap around the house.

Once bunrun festivities settled down, the winner’s bracket heavyweight showdown captivated everyone. Galz had an incredible sense of urgency as the match kicked off – the aspiring champion knew remaining undefeated would give his team an excellent opportunity to not only make the championship match, but win it.

Dego ‘N Oates were shaky early, hitting the board but unable to drop cornholes, opening the door for The Mega Powers to capitalize. The Mega Powers built an enormous early lead, pinning their opponent on the mat. They kept them down for the three count in a 21-7 statement victory.

Dego ‘N Oates looked to regroup in the loser’s bracket against a mess of parity.

After an encouraging tournament start with an upset victory in the #8 vs. #9 game, Cornholios subsequently lost three straight matches, including the bunrun discussed earlier, and exited the tournament. BP and Jeff didn’t make the rookie splash they hoped for, but they gained valuable experience and grew with every game in the tournament.

After going 1-3 in round robin with a few close losses (21-16 and 21-17) 2010s (Paul and Pierson) hung with Dego ‘N Oates for a while before losing 21-12 in the first round. Unfortunately they couldn’t ride much momentum to produce positive results the rest of the way, as they were bounced from the tournament with consecutive losses to Cinco de Drinko (21-16 and a sickening 21-20 loss) after beating Cinco de Drinko in round robin.

Cinco de Drinko proved to have at least the heartbeat of a champion behind the versatility of Bert. They finished the tournament 2-3 with the wins over 2010s, but had the head-scratching loss to #9 Cornholios and a devastating 21-20 loss in the loser’s bracket to District 5.

In the end, the mix of a former champion (Bert) and a rookie (Kyle) was enough to be extremely competitive but not a true threat to win The Cup, as they were eliminated by Three Inches is Better Than Nothing in the double loser’s bracket.

For the first time since 2017, Barker and JV were separated and forced to battle one another. The random scheduler allowed them to avoid meeting in round robin, but the tournament is the ultimate storyteller, creating drama and intrigue with almost every match. In the loser’s bracket players grabbed a beer and were glued to the head-to-head match between former teammates.

Even their partners ratcheted up the intensity – Mike undid the top few buttons on his Hawaiian shirt and Ryan strutted by JV, muttering “You’re going down fucker,” as he backhand tapped JV in the nuts. JV threw a full Labatt Blue Light in retaliation and

Barker shouted, “Easy, JV!” from the other end of the court. From championship partners to enemies. It was lovely, like when Macho Man Randy Savage turned his back on tag team partner, Hulk Hogan, over jealously with Miss Elizabeth.

JV, like Macho Man, took a lesson at the knee of his former partner. Barker bent JV over and spanked that ass again and again, not letting up until he and Ryan had clinched a 21-7 victory. Did JV ride Barker’s coattails during their championship runs in 2018? Like Hogan, was Barker the real muscle behind this dynamic duo? It certainly looked that way.

JV was never the same, and Three Inches is Better Than Nothing fell to the double loser’s bracket where they were later eliminated after a second loss to Larry Bird is His Uncle!.

District 5 featured Paul G. and KP, who finds himself in year 4 of LEG and still chasing championship dreams. They were absolutely throttled in the #3 vs. #6 match-up with No Whammies (21-1), but seemed to find solid footing with back-to-back 21-20 victories in the loser’s bracket over Cinco de Drinko and Larry Bird is His Uncle!.

Sadly for District 5, they lost even in victory over Larry Bird is His Uncle!. They were down late in the match, 20-19, when KP fired a bag with hopes of draining a cornhole and ending the match. As KP threw, he crashed to the ground in pain with a knee injury, forcing him to withdraw from the tournament. Paul was incredible, handling the adversity of a fallen partner and a 20-19 deficit to outscore Coach Mike in the next frame and win the game, 21-20. District 5 advanced to play No Whammies, but

Paul G. and Barker found themselves without partners after KP’s injury and Ryan was disqualified for violating the league’s substance abuse policy for the second time in his career – really hard to do considering the substances allowed to be abused.

Paul G. and Barker agreed to partner and form the “new” District 5, while No Whammies was gutted and forfeited the last two matches after starting the tournament 2-1.

In the loser’s bracket, District 5 had their hands full with Dego ‘N Oates and a trip to face The Mega Powers in the balance. Dego ‘N Oates was fresh off a humiliating loss to The Mega Powers, eager to get back on track against an upgraded District 5 team compared to the one they crushed 21-8 in round robin (Barker substituted for KP).

As he always does late in tournaments, Barker began to find his groove and Paul G. did an excellent job of stalemating Marco. They stood toe-to-toe with Dego ‘N Oates deep into the match, but Marco and Scott put too much pressure on their opponents with their exceptionally high cornhole rate. That pressure broke District 5’s pipes in a thrilling 21-19 win for Dego ‘N Oates.

District 5 needed that win for confidence and proof that the new partnership was championship caliber. They couldn’t secure victory and in the very next match in the double loser’s bracket, the red-hot Coach Mike and Dan (Larry Bird is His Uncle!) punched a one-way ticket for District 5 to go home.

THE HOME STRETCH

Larry Bird is His Uncle! pulled the #4 vs. #5 upset victory in the first round and were subsequently bunrun by The Mega Powers, sending them into a tailspin where they lost their next match and faced elimination in the double loser’s bracket.

With backs against the wall, Coach and Dan excelled and won four straight matches, including avenging a 21-20 loss to District 5 to earn a bid in the semifinals. Their opponent? Let’s get to that…

The Mega Powers vs. Dego ‘N Oates part deux was an enormous match. If The Mega Powers win, they march immediately to the championship match undefeated. If Dego ‘N Oates win, they even the score and instantly play a third match with The Mega Powers with a trip to the championship on the line.

The rivalry didn’t disappoint, as Dego ‘N Oates had revenge on their minds and championship dreams in their hearts. They knocked The Mega Powers from the ranks of the undefeated, winning 21-17.

Larry Bird is His Uncle! waited as chapter three of The Mega Powers vs. Dego ‘N Oates needed to be written. For the third time in the tournament, these heavyweights squared off. Once again, Marco and Scott applied so much pressure by sinking cornhole after cornhole. Galz is equipped to hold-up under these conditions, but Meyer is not – he’s an impressive rookie, but his game is suited for accuracy on the board, not repeated cornholes.

Dego ‘N Oates won again, 21-14, sending the #1 seeded The Mega Powers to the double loser’s bracket to face upstart Larry Bird is His Uncle! in an elimination match.

Larry Bird is His Uncle! had celebrated their four straight victories and semifinal appearance a bit too much during the two games between Dego ‘N Oates and The Mega Powers. Coach Mike was standing on the deck, shirt off, pounding Bud Light Limes as he sang “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” better than Whitney could ever dream. Meanwhile, Dan STILL wasn’t wearing pants and claimed his fistful of gummies were “CBD only.” They were a goddamn mess, and were in no condition to upset The Mega Powers in the semifinals, losing 21-10.

It was a great run for Larry Bird is His Uncle!, with Dan playing the best he’s ever played and reaching his second semifinals ever. Coach Mike was the powerful bully we grew to love in 2016 and 2017 when he was one of the best in the league and claiming a spot on all-tournament teams. He played excellent while also proving to be the best ‘80s DJ in metro Detroit.

The championship match was set, and really wasn’t a surprise to anyone – Dego ‘N Oates (9-1, counting round robin) vs. The Mega Powers (8-2, counting round robin). The teams entered the title match with a combined record of 17-3 with all three losses coming to one another. The key this time is Dego ‘N Oates only needed one victory to claim The Cup, while The Mega Powers had no margin for error, needing to win two straight matches for The Cup.

Scott had been here before and possesses the poise to navigate the stress of a championship match. He’s won a title and finished runner-up, so everyone expected him to play at a championship level. The question for Dego ‘N Oates was if Marco could continue to perform at a dominating level under the pressure of a championship.

The first game might have been the best of all between these two teams, with no team ever holding more than a four point advantage. Meyer’s underrated skill of being able to draw even with his opponent was crucial in this game as he kept Scott from having a game-breaking round. That allowed Galz to throw knockout blows at Marco. The Mega Powers somehow found a way to squeak out a 21-18 win to force one final game for all the marbles.

It was only appropriate to play a fifth and final game between these two dominant teams since each team had a 2-2 record against the other. Confidence is a fickle thing, and suddenly The Mega Powers overflowed with it, while Dego ‘N Oates were a bit rattled.

Galz is an extremely dangerous cornhole threat on every toss, but he’s a special talent because of his versatility. Sure cornholes are sexy, but his bag placement to play defense and create poor angles for his opponent is almost more valuable than the

three points he registers for every cornhole. He displayed this skill in the final game, causing all sorts of problems for Dego ‘N Oates and helping The Mega Powers romp to a 21-8 victory to claim the 2019 Preseason Kick-Off Championship!

Galz was clearly a stud, but Meyer was the straw that stirred the drink. He elevated his play and his head-to-head stalemate of Scott in the first game of the title (fourth game overall between the two teams) made this championship possible.

Congratulations to Galz and Meyer for etching their names in LEG championship lore. Can these Mega Powers stay together

for more historic moments? Can Galz join a select few LEG greats as players to claim both the Preseason and Postseason titles in the same year? Those questions are for another day. For now, they’ll enjoy this one.

ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM

The 2019 Preseason All-Tournament Team consisted of the top four players based on votes cast among all players. Galz was voted to his second-consecutive all-tournament team after carrying The Mega Powers to The Cup. Marco and Scott earned their first all-tournament team honors after an impressive runner-up finish, and Coach Mike earned all-tournament team honors for the third time in his career (2016 and 2017 Postseason tournaments), taking home his first tournament MVP honor after leading Larry Bird is His Uncle! to a semifinal appearance.