BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – JV shit his pants. Guys. Seriously. He. Shit. His. Pants. I’m not talking about a bad fart. In Game 15, JV and KP were battling Bushie and Paul. At one end JV was head-to-head against Paul, and the normal trash talking between the two was audible for the entire neighborhood. But then, it went too far…JV assumed the Heisman pose and ripped a fart as Paul attempted a toss. It was a masterful distraction tactic, but Paul got the last laugh. Here’s the play-by-play as the “fart” exited JV’s b-hole:

JV: “I’ll be right back…”

At this point he penguin walks inside, assumingly diarrhea trying to scoot down his leg in this moment of panic. The guys go inside to refresh beers and here comes JV, climbing the steps from Bushie’s basement, holding his shitty boxers in one hand and free balling in basketball shorts. Game On! He’s ready to roll again.

The shit delay was short, but dramatic. Play resumed, and JV and KP promptly closed out their rattled opponents, 21-10.

That had to end the night, right? Oh no. JV played ANOTHER game commando. This time Paul had the last laugh, pairing with KP in a 21-11 win over JV and Bushie.

One might think this was the highlight of the night. It wasn’t. First, we had the Game of the Night (more on that later), and we also had yet another bun run.

Game 6 was the powerful tandem of JG and KP against Paul and Adam. It was an uphill battle for Paul and Adam from the beginning, but JG and KP were on another level in this one. KP hit nearly 60% of his throws, JG had 7 cornholes, and they closed it out in just 6 rounds, 21-0. Listen, bun runs are shameful. But this week, they were even more embarrassing thanks to Nick’s great idea to make any bun runners wear hula skirts, coconut titties and a super gay lei. Don’t worry, we took pictures of this…

Hellz yeah, titty city. Even coconut titties aren’t bad titties? Bushie was Mayor of Titty City, and as you can tell, he loved every minute of it.

The Game of the Night was in the opening match, Nick and Bushie squared off against Paul and JV. At one end of the boards was Nick vs. JV, while Paul and Bushie were head-to-head. Bushie started the match by hitting 3 of his first 4 throws, resulting in a 2-0 lead. In Nick’s half of Round 1, he added a cornhole as part of a dominating 4-0 round against JV. Before JV could shit his pants, it was already 6-0. Paul and JV chipped away at the lead, until Nick appeared to bust it open in Round 5 with an 8-1 domination against JV. However, Paul heated up and JV registered high round of the night with a 10 point answer in Round 6 to help close the gap (note: JG also registered a 10 point round in Game 14). In Round 8, the final round, JV and Paul combined to outscore their opponents by 4 points, staging an epic comeback in a thrilling game, winning 21-20. It was one of the best games of the season. Nick had 5 cornholes, JV answered with 7 total, Nick added 2 foot snags, JV had 1 foot snag, and we had huge momentum swings from round to round. Great game fellas. You set the tone for the night.

Other Highlights Include:

• Adam was 1-7 on the night. But something very important happened with Adam. In Game 11 he paired with KP to win 21-20 against Bushie and Paul. But Adam experimented with his toss, using a soft spinner that looked beautiful and immediately was more accurate. The stats show only 8 gross points for Adam in this game. But for those watching, it was a serious moment of growth. Seemingly half his throws painted the hole like a Peter North film. Adam, like JV, is a very good bowler. Adam, like JV, made a choice a few weeks into this season to experiment and change his throwing motion. JV is now winning 2 of every 3 games, and his toss accuracy is at 55%. I expect similar results from Adam after a few weeks with his new toss. Adam also added 4 foot snags.
• Bushie was playing very well before ending his night on a 4 game losing streak. He finished at 3-7, but the losing skid really hurt his KPM. Bushie had it going early in the night, and despite his fade at the end he still finished with a 46% toss accuracy for the night.
• Paul was 3-8 on the night, and almost received a diarrhea facial. He receives a “pass” just for that. But he was third in cornholes per game and tied for second in overall cornholes. Paul needs to get his accuracy up a bit, but his accuracy suffers some because of his aggressive style of play, always going for the hole. Not a bad way to live. In fact, I’m sure he’s going for the hole as we speak with the 21 year old girl who works in the Delphi café (he’s on a date).
• JV went 8-3, added 6 foot snags (he leads the league with 14 total), tied for high round of the night with JG (10 points, respectively) and registered an impressive 59% toss accuracy. Did I mention he also shit his pants?
• JG had his worst week of the season, going a terrible 7-3 (note my sarcasm). He was the second best King P*zzy Masher, so we’ll call him Prince P*zzy Masher. JG lead the week in cornholes with 49 (4.9 per game), and was second in virtually every other statistic. The top dog stays at the top, excluding Jimmy, who made a one game appearance and then peaced out after winning. Until Jimmy shows up more, we won’t acknowledge his 100% winning percentage.
• Nick went 1-2, but this is where the advanced metrics tell the real story. Nick lead the week in gross points per round (4.3), toss accuracy (66%), cornholes per round (0.84) and cornholes per game (5.3). Does it matter he went 1-2? Sure, ultimately only wins and losses matter. But this guy is good. Really good.
• KP went 8-2 this week, and was the King P*zzy Masher at 10.5 KPM. He was second in points per round (3.5), second in accuracy (65%), and lead the week in gross points per game (29.1). KP has to get the cornhole rate up. He averaged 3.8 per game (0.46 per round), which isn’t terrible. But his accuracy combined with an uptick in cornhole rate would make him a threat to JG, Nick and JV game in and game out.

My apologies for the long email. I blame JV and his poopy pants. But, if you didn’t enjoy the read, you probably shouldn’t celebrate July 4 because you’re un-American.

Happy July 4 my bruthas. Be safe and enjoy the holiday. ‘Merica!

BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – What a fucking week!!! We had competitive games, a rain delay, Coach Mike serving rounds of shots, post-rain delay warriors gutting out games in the driveway under the lights, and the inaugural roll out of the advanced cornhole metrics.

That’s right folks, we’re now stats on steroids…or at least trying to be. In addition to the normal metrics we’ve historically tracked, we began tracking the following metrics in week 5 (on a limited basis because the rain killed use of computers and the Coach Mike shots killed our motor skills):

• Total Cornholes (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Cornholes per Round (weekly and cumulative)
• Toss Accuracy (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Game (weekly and cumulative)
• Gross Points per Round (weekly and cumulative)

These metrics are designed to provide a better measure of individual power rankings, where our previous metrics were strictly focused on team play. Now, we have a balance of both worlds.

With help from JV, our resident mathematician, the ultimate metric was created from all of this…KPM. Call it the KP Meter, Kornhole Power Metric, King P*zzy Masher…whatever your definition, the purpose is to combine key statistics into one focal point to measure one’s value.

The formula is as follows: (50% weighting for Gross Points Per Round) + (20% weighting for Toss Accuracy) + (20% weighting for Cornholes Per Round) + (10% weighting for Point Differential).

The KPM is also a weekly and cumulative metric. Hopefully you guys enjoy this. We are always taking suggestions for additional statistics, so speak up!

Back to the games – the game of the night was under the lights in Game 11, featuring JV and JG against Bushie and KP. All 4 players were hot all night, and this match up was no different. Neither team could escape the other, and in the late rounds it was a 19-18 advantage for JV and JG. That’s when JV showed his killer instinct. Facing off against KP, he needed a big round to hold of the threat of a comeback. JV found cornholes in his last two throws, clinching the game and preventing any sort of comeback from KP.

Game of the night was a very tough decision since 8 of the 16 games were decided by 5 points or fewer. Game 7 was a monumental battle between JG and Paul and Adam and Mario. JG and Paul pulled it off 21-17, but Adam hung tough and exchanged blows with JG round after round. It was a very impressive performance given Adam was making his first appearance of the season.

A few other highlights:

• JV had the highest scoring round of the night with 8 points, on his way to a 6-1 record and third-highest KPM on the night. He now sits in 4th place overall based on winning %, but has a very nice 15-9 record;
• JG took a few weeks off but continued his dominance, going 6-1 and now has a stranglehold on first place with his 11-2 record. He had the second highest KPM, tied for first in cornholes per round, and was one of two players to have a toss accuracy of 50% or greater;
• Bushie had a respectable 3-5 debut to his 2017 season, and was the top performer in cornholes per game. He also had a very nice toss accuracy at 44%;
• Adam made his debut, and although his record was 0-3, Adam’s play was strong. He was in the top half of the group in Gross Points per Game and also had a very nice 3.5 cornholes per game

Sorry I can’t mention everyone, but it was a very big week with 11 players coming out. That’s a great turnout given the rain we battled. Thanks to everyone who came.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – Any time Nick has 20 points and the lead, the opponent usually has a remote chance of pulling out a victory. When those are the circumstances and Coach Mike is Nick’s partner, the probability of a win is 99%. In Game 4, Nick and Coach Mike had Mario and KP on the ropes, 20-16. KP and Mario battled all game, including regular deficits hovering near 7 points throughout. However, momentum was swinging with a mini-run late in the game, and KP looked like Kevin Durant in the NBA Finals. In his last round, KP turned a 20-16 deficit into a 21-20 lead. He had one throw left, and Coach Mike also had one final throw after KP. KP knew one bag on the board would likely clinch it, requiring Coach Mike to make a cornhole to extend the game. KP’s last toss looked great, in the middle of the board…until it wasn’t. The last bag found the board, but continued sliding, barely knocking another bag off the board as his last toss also slipped off the back and to the ground. A 21-20 lead just became a 20-20 tie. Coach Mike missed the board with his last throw, leaving the game deadlocked at 20. Nick closed the game out on his next turn against Mario. 21-20, Nick and Coach Mike escaped. It was a disappointing loss for KP and Mario, while Coach Mike and Nick knew they were fortunate to register a “W”.

Game 4 above was one of three games on the night that were decided by 4 points or fewer. Nick was involved in all three games, going 2-1 in that stretch on his way to a 4-1 overall record. His only loss was a partnership with JV in a 21-18 fistfight against Coach Mike & KP in Game 3. Coach Mike and KP powered their way to a 15-0 lead, with Coach Mike negating Nick at one end, and KP dominating JV at the other. However, Nick & JV kept swinging, looking like Rocky I…and II, and III, and IV, and V…in the late rounds. They went on their own 19-3 run to take a 19-18 lead. The run was aided by incredible back-to-back foot snags by JV. KP showed his grit after Nick gave his team a 19-18 lead by closing the game out the very next turn against JV, 21-19. It was an epic battle among 4 talented players.

Game 2 was the last thriller between Nick and Paul, and JV and Mario. JV stood strong facing off against Nick, while Mario and his 3 fingered bean flicker kept pace with Paul. However, Nick and Paul appeared to be pulling away midway through the match, until something miraculous happened. Mario tossed a bag that hit the board and caromed off the back. Nick and JV both attempted a foot snag, with Nick hitting it first (I think he hit it first, anyway), hacky-sacking it to JV who carefully tried to possess it. However, Nick, still attempting to snag it himself, hit JV’s foot and caused the bag to float back toward the board, where it landed in the hole. It was the craziest thing I’ve seen at cornhole and was a big swing in momentum. JV and Mario kept it close the rest of the way, but couldn’t get over the hump. Nick and Paul pulled it out 21-17.

In Game 6 Nick and KP squared off against Coach Mike and Paul. The two hottest players on the night overwhelmed Coach and Paul, making quick work in a 21-0 win. Yes, ANOTHER bun run! I’ve already lost track, but I believe we are up to 5 or 6 on the season, including the preseason tournament. Coach Mike was on edge after the loss. He hates losing. He especially hates losing when it’s a bun run. He especially hate losing on a bun run when he knocked his opponent’s bag into the hole (1 point turning to 3 points) to secure his own 21-0 fate. In the post-game interview Coach Mike chugged his Bud Light Lime and flipped my Asian neighbor the middle finger as he yelled, “If it’s the last thing I do, you’re getting a fucking bun run payback”. Sources indicate the taunt was aimed at KP, though it couldn’t be confirmed. League officials are contemplating a fine for Coach Mike’s comments. A decision is expected by Thursday of week 5.

Other highlights included:

• A single week record for cumulative foot snags, 9; JV was stellar with 4, and Mario had 3 (Nick and KP had 1 each, respectively);
• Mario won his first match of the night, then lost 4 straight. Though the 1-4 record seems rough, he had the third-best per game scoring average (behind Nick and KP), and had an impressive minus-3 scoring differential, despite the record. Proof his bean flicker method is effective;
• JV was frustrated on his way to an 0-4 start, but rebounded nicely winning his final 2 matches and leading the week with 4 foot snags. He finished 2-4 with a minus-1.8 scoring differential. He dropped from #2 in the power rankings to #6;
• Coach Mike looked like he was on his way to a great night when he started 2-0. But, he lost his last 3 matches, including the bun run;
• Paul had a steady evening going 3-3. His scoring differential was minus-2.3, but included a 21-0 loss. He finds himself at #4 in the power rankings this week, dropping one spot from week 3;
• Nick, as mentioned, was 4-1 and averaged an impressive 20.6 points per game and had a huge +7.8 scoring differential. He also added 1 foot snag and jumped from #7 in the power rankings to #2;
• KP was on fire all night, going 4-1. He led all players with 20.8 points per game and a +9 scoring differential. He’s #5 in the power rankings this week;

Happy Father’s Day everyone.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – After an incredibly disappointing performance in the season Kick-Off tournament, Nick Winkler has been home working on his mental game since April 29. Rumors have swirled about Nick resembling Tiger Woods since that poor tournament performance…the broken Tiger Woods strung out on Xanax and Vicodin, not the cool guy banging Vegas cocktail waitresses and winning major tournaments.

Sadly, after week 3 we cannot put those rumors to bed. Nick made his first LEG appearance in 6 weeks and went 1-2 with a minus-2.3 scoring margin. On the surface, it looks like a harmless “off” week with a small sample size. But you had to be there to witness what seemed like the ghost of a once great player. Small sample size or not, this marks the first time in league history Nick has had a losing record in any given week. Let’s hope for the sake of this league that Nick can get some cocktail waitresses back in his routine because it isn’t the same without him.

Joe Viviano came out gangbusters, posting a 2-1 record and +5 scoring margin for the night. Joe started 2-0, but dropped the final match of the night when he teamed with Tiger…errr, Nick, in a rematch against KP and Mario. KP and Mario avenged a Game 1 loss by closing the night with a 21-16 redemption. Despite the loss, Joe had a good night statistically and climbed out of the basement of the standings, leaving Mario behind.

Speaking of Mario, while he is 1-7 on the season and in last place, a few very positive developments are underway. First, Mario did get his first win of the season (see the redemption win above). But more importantly, Mario embraced the presence of Coach Mike’s voice chewing his ass all the way from Clawson and finally quit throwing bags like a pussy. He harnessed Coach Mike’s energy and technique, confidently creating a throwing motion that was far more accurate. He could be on the verge of a major breakthrough. At first glance, the motion resembles Coach Mike’s back-handed taint tickler. But there are enough subtleties to the trained eye to differentiate the two styles. I like to call Mario’s form the “3 fingered bean flicker”. I’m open for league-wide votes for naming rights, but I think this is appropriate.

NOVI, MICHIGAN – The season is young, but there has been a shift in the 2017 LEG power rankings. JG, Nick, Barker and other top players were noticeably absent in week 2. A few of those players (JG and Nick) were keyboard tough guys leading up to Thursday night, messaging KP that he is about to beat up on weak competition and predicting a stellar week 2 record for KP that won’t be taken seriously because the usual top dogs weren’t in attendance.

JV, Paul, Jack and even Coach Mike gave a big middle finger to JG and Nick by having very good weeks. JV held the best record at 4-1 overall, but the best player was Paul. He was on fire, including countless cornholes with the “slippery” bags. Paul’s record was 3-2, but he was in great shape all night until the last game when he teamed with KP and lost to Coach Mike and Jack.

JG and Nick can keep talking shit, but there are some rising young stars that will challenge for the top of the power rankings all season. JV is starting to find his rhythm, and that’s dangerous considering he’s a 200+ bowler. Paul is 6-4 on the season, played his best in week 2, and also teamed with Barker during the kick-off tournament where they were the #1 overall seed after pool play.

Coach Mike continues to do his thing, and once he has that back-handed taint tickler in mid-season form, we are all in trouble. Coach Mike is clearly focusing his early season efforts on others, trusting his game will come around quickly.

Jack popped his cornhole cherry in week 2, and was a respectable 3-2 overall. He lost the first match of his career, 21-5, when he partnered with KP against the week 2 dynamic duo of Paul and JV. After that, he ripped off a solid 3-1 record.

Joe V. made his first appearance since last September, and it showed. He was 0-3 on the night, but 2 of the 3 losses were very competitive games. I expect Joe to made bigger strides than he did toward the end of last year, where he was a regular threat to spring a huge upset each week.

Lastly, I had an awful week, going 1-4, including a huge blowout loss and 3 other losses that were only remotely competitive due to my partners. After this shitty week, I’ve fallen to 6th overall with a 4-6 record.

JG continues to lead the league at 5-1, and word on the street is he’s out the next few weeks for fear of losing his top ranking. JV is in really solid position at 7-4 and also leads the league in foot snags (3), followed closely by Paul at 6-4. Coach Mike got back to .500 on the season with his 3-2 week 2 record. Updated rankings and statistics are attached.