BEVERLY HILLS, MICHIGAN – JV shit his pants. Guys. Seriously. He. Shit. His. Pants. I’m not talking about a bad fart. In Game 15, JV and KP were battling Bushie and Paul. At one end JV was head-to-head against Paul, and the normal trash talking between the two was audible for the entire neighborhood. But then, it went too far…JV assumed the Heisman pose and ripped a fart as Paul attempted a toss. It was a masterful distraction tactic, but Paul got the last laugh. Here’s the play-by-play as the “fart” exited JV’s b-hole:

JV: “I’ll be right back…”

At this point he penguin walks inside, assumingly diarrhea trying to scoot down his leg in this moment of panic. The guys go inside to refresh beers and here comes JV, climbing the steps from Bushie’s basement, holding his shitty boxers in one hand and free balling in basketball shorts. Game On! He’s ready to roll again.

The shit delay was short, but dramatic. Play resumed, and JV and KP promptly closed out their rattled opponents, 21-10.

That had to end the night, right? Oh no. JV played ANOTHER game commando. This time Paul had the last laugh, pairing with KP in a 21-11 win over JV and Bushie.

One might think this was the highlight of the night. It wasn’t. First, we had the Game of the Night (more on that later), and we also had yet another bun run.

Game 6 was the powerful tandem of JG and KP against Paul and Adam. It was an uphill battle for Paul and Adam from the beginning, but JG and KP were on another level in this one. KP hit nearly 60% of his throws, JG had 7 cornholes, and they closed it out in just 6 rounds, 21-0. Listen, bun runs are shameful. But this week, they were even more embarrassing thanks to Nick’s great idea to make any bun runners wear hula skirts, coconut titties and a super gay lei. Don’t worry, we took pictures of this…

Hellz yeah, titty city. Even coconut titties aren’t bad titties? Bushie was Mayor of Titty City, and as you can tell, he loved every minute of it.

The Game of the Night was in the opening match, Nick and Bushie squared off against Paul and JV. At one end of the boards was Nick vs. JV, while Paul and Bushie were head-to-head. Bushie started the match by hitting 3 of his first 4 throws, resulting in a 2-0 lead. In Nick’s half of Round 1, he added a cornhole as part of a dominating 4-0 round against JV. Before JV could shit his pants, it was already 6-0. Paul and JV chipped away at the lead, until Nick appeared to bust it open in Round 5 with an 8-1 domination against JV. However, Paul heated up and JV registered high round of the night with a 10 point answer in Round 6 to help close the gap (note: JG also registered a 10 point round in Game 14). In Round 8, the final round, JV and Paul combined to outscore their opponents by 4 points, staging an epic comeback in a thrilling game, winning 21-20. It was one of the best games of the season. Nick had 5 cornholes, JV answered with 7 total, Nick added 2 foot snags, JV had 1 foot snag, and we had huge momentum swings from round to round. Great game fellas. You set the tone for the night.

Other Highlights Include:

• Adam was 1-7 on the night. But something very important happened with Adam. In Game 11 he paired with KP to win 21-20 against Bushie and Paul. But Adam experimented with his toss, using a soft spinner that looked beautiful and immediately was more accurate. The stats show only 8 gross points for Adam in this game. But for those watching, it was a serious moment of growth. Seemingly half his throws painted the hole like a Peter North film. Adam, like JV, is a very good bowler. Adam, like JV, made a choice a few weeks into this season to experiment and change his throwing motion. JV is now winning 2 of every 3 games, and his toss accuracy is at 55%. I expect similar results from Adam after a few weeks with his new toss. Adam also added 4 foot snags.
• Bushie was playing very well before ending his night on a 4 game losing streak. He finished at 3-7, but the losing skid really hurt his KPM. Bushie had it going early in the night, and despite his fade at the end he still finished with a 46% toss accuracy for the night.
• Paul was 3-8 on the night, and almost received a diarrhea facial. He receives a “pass” just for that. But he was third in cornholes per game and tied for second in overall cornholes. Paul needs to get his accuracy up a bit, but his accuracy suffers some because of his aggressive style of play, always going for the hole. Not a bad way to live. In fact, I’m sure he’s going for the hole as we speak with the 21 year old girl who works in the Delphi café (he’s on a date).
• JV went 8-3, added 6 foot snags (he leads the league with 14 total), tied for high round of the night with JG (10 points, respectively) and registered an impressive 59% toss accuracy. Did I mention he also shit his pants?
• JG had his worst week of the season, going a terrible 7-3 (note my sarcasm). He was the second best King P*zzy Masher, so we’ll call him Prince P*zzy Masher. JG lead the week in cornholes with 49 (4.9 per game), and was second in virtually every other statistic. The top dog stays at the top, excluding Jimmy, who made a one game appearance and then peaced out after winning. Until Jimmy shows up more, we won’t acknowledge his 100% winning percentage.
• Nick went 1-2, but this is where the advanced metrics tell the real story. Nick lead the week in gross points per round (4.3), toss accuracy (66%), cornholes per round (0.84) and cornholes per game (5.3). Does it matter he went 1-2? Sure, ultimately only wins and losses matter. But this guy is good. Really good.
• KP went 8-2 this week, and was the King P*zzy Masher at 10.5 KPM. He was second in points per round (3.5), second in accuracy (65%), and lead the week in gross points per game (29.1). KP has to get the cornhole rate up. He averaged 3.8 per game (0.46 per round), which isn’t terrible. But his accuracy combined with an uptick in cornhole rate would make him a threat to JG, Nick and JV game in and game out.

My apologies for the long email. I blame JV and his poopy pants. But, if you didn’t enjoy the read, you probably shouldn’t celebrate July 4 because you’re un-American.

Happy July 4 my bruthas. Be safe and enjoy the holiday. ‘Merica!