NOVI, MICHIGAN – Week 1 of the 2017 regular season was full of fireworks, as well as some familiar story lines. Let’s start with the familiar story lines – Jeff Garavalia (“JG”), fresh off his pre-season kick-off championship, resembled not only his championship performance, but also his dominant 2016 campaign. JG paired with Jeff Valantas (“JV”, but not the cool JV who bangs Kate Upton) to register an impressive 21-9 win over KP and Coach Mike (a.k.a. “Magic” Mike) in Game 2. JG carried the way while JV found his rhythm. This was the beginning of a 3 game winning streak for JG, on his way to a 5-1 record for the night. JG posted a ridiculous +10.8 scoring margin, including averaging 20.8 points per game. His only loss was a 21-20 contest, where he rallied from a 17-4 deficit to tie the game at 20 before Paul and KP finally closed it out, 21-20.

Game 4 featured Paul and JG against Coach Mike and JV, and was arguably the best game of the night. The game was closely contested the entire way, and included some team drama between Coach Mike and JV. JV was out to foot snag anyone and everyone, as evidenced by his three-way tie for week 1 foot snags with 2. However, Coach Mike didn’t appreciate the effort when he was the victim of JV’s clever feet. Coach Mike bitched at JV for foot snagging him, refused to chug his beer, and called JV every inappropriate name known to man. JV responded by knocking two of JG’s bags off the board to keep his team in the game, 19-17. Ultimately Paul and JG closed out the game, 21-17, but the real story line is Coach Mike – how good is this guy? Not only does he have the back-handed taint tickler throw that often finds the hole, but he knows how to push the right buttons with his partner. He knew JV would respond like a silhouette dick pic responding to a topless Kate Upton selfie. Impressive stuff out of Coach Mike, continuing to show his value cannot be measured simply by his win-loss record.

The other highlight of the night was in the final game, pitting JG and JV against KP and Mario. JG and JV ran a train on their opponent, racing out to a 20-0 lead. On KP’s last turn, he had a 1-bag advantage over JG with one final throw left (JG had none). KP could have punted the bag into the street and preserved a 20-1 score, avoiding a bun run. But what did his dumb ass do? He aggressively pursued the hole, only to be “rewarded” by knocking one of JG’s bags in while KP’s final bag rested on the board. A 1-point advantage for KP swung to a 1-point advantage for JG, a win, and bun run for KP and Mario. Truly pathetic decision-making and performance in the last match of the night.

On a positive note, that marks 4 bun runs in two weeks (three in the Preseason Kick-Off tournament…I blacked out and forgot one of them until recently) after none the entire year in 2016. For those who like dick, and I know you all do, this is a positive trend.

Paul finished the night at 3-2, despite a minus-3.2 scoring differential. KP also finished 3-2, but Paul has the tie-breaker for the week based on points per game. JV settled in at 3-3, but was 2-1 after Coach Mike took a bite out of his ass. Coach Mike finished at 2-3, but was Gregg Popovich-like all night with his partners. Mario struggled to an 0-5 record, including a paltry scoring average of 7.6 points per game and minus-13.4 scoring differential. However, Mario did tie for the week lead with 2 foot snags. The standings and statistics are attached.