NOVI, MICHIGAN – Cold, April temperatures and the threat of rain did nothing to slow the enthusiasm for the 2017 League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Kick-Off Tournament. A record 14 players arrived on time (except for Will Love) to shotgun a crisp morning beer and participate in the draft. The random draft revealed a few stacked teams, at least on paper, including “Make Cornhole Great Again” (Nick Winkler and KP, both top 3 players from a year ago, including Winkler as 2016 LEG champion) and “Vipers” (Ryan Harvey, also 2016 LEG champion, and Mike Millard, a promising 2017 rookie). Despite some groans and complaining about the results of the draft, the round-robin matches were generally competitive with the top 5 seeds all having at least a .500 record. “Deeeeezzz” (Will and Murph) and “Team Fuck Paul” (Mario and Jeff V.) struggled through round-robin play, both finishing 1-3 and in the #6 and #7 seeds, respectively.

“Stockton and Malone” (Brent Barker and Paul Teich) went undefeated to snatch the #1 seed, and other round-robin play highlights included two bun runs…after going a full season in 2016 without any. First was “Team Fuck Paul” getting shut out, followed moments later by “Make Cornhole Great Again”. Since apparently naked runs around the house are frowned upon with a child’s birthday party and bouncy house 100 yards away, we settled on calisthenics in the garage with shots of Bulleit between sets.

Triple-elimination tournament play was crazy, with #4 seed “Butt Stuff” (Emir and Scott Garavalia) losing two straight games and immediately facing elimination. #2 seed “Make Cornhole Great Again” flexed it’s muscle in a major round 2 match-up against #3 seed “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” (Jeff Garavalia and Humberto Klein), and #1 seed “Stockton Malone” made things look easy through their first two games. Then things got wild…

• the Rules Committee stepped in and alerted competitors of PED use by #5 “Vipers” resulting in them forfeiting the rest of the tournament; Emir, a member of “Butt Stuff” was the distributor of the PEDs and he was also disqualified;
• “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” ripped off 4 wins in a row, including a rematch against #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and #1 “Stockton Malone” to reach the Championship with only 1 loss;
• #4 “Butt Stuff” faced serious adversity. Not only did they lose their first two games and were on the brink of elimination, but Emir was disqualified for his involvement in PEDs, resulting in Scott doing butt stuff alone…aka, the artist now known as “Solo Butt Stuff”. “Solo Butt Stuff” pulled off 6 straight wins to reach the Championship, including beating #2 “Make Cornhole Great Again” and beating #1 “Stockton Malone” twice in the semifinals.

The Championship match was set, filled with Garavalia brothers, butt stuff and a handsome Brazilian named Humberto who may or may not do butt stuff (hint…he does). The Championship was intense, mostly because Murph sounded like Lil John on the sidelines rooting for Humberto…but really, it was a competitive match, with “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” taking home the Kick-Off Tournament Championship. Jeff Garavalia, the older and balder of the Garavalias, played like late-season form and Humberto was clutch to help close out the series and put a plug in “Butt Stuff”.

Humberto Klein and Jeff Garavalia celebrating their 2017 Kick-Off Championship in style.

After a post-tournament celebration and interviews in the garage, some champagne shots to the face, and a few Brazilian golden showers, Jeff Garavalia showed his ability to win with class by Tweeting this picture and caption:

R.I.P. ta da competition

Congrats to “Joe Mixon’s Domestic Abuse Hotline” for taking the 2017 Kick-Off crown. Well done boys.

As Murph so wisely pointed out, we needed to crown the drunkest person/team on the day. Well, we have a winner, folks. Thank god not many were around to witness it, but the winner is…..KP. That’s right, after 8 hours of beers, bun runs, shots of Bulleit, and other things my blackout prevents me from remembering, I felt it was a great idea to smoke one of my Cuban cigars. Shortly after, I allegedly put a hole in the screen door connected to the deck with a candle lighter, I fell into, out of, and around the house, and finally showed my cat-like reflexes by dodging my own puke while sitting at the table with 4 other guys. I was a goddamn mess. I blame George W. Bush, who once said, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em”. Bullshit, George. Not after a day full of IPAs and bourbon.

By the way, the allegations in the story above cannot be confirmed by me, and therefore should NEVER be shared when talking to, or near, Sara. 

I had a blast, and hope all of you did too. For those who missed out, we hope you can make it to the weekly sessions and year-end tournament in the fall.

For those who need a reminder, and to rub it in to those who didn’t make the tournament, here is some evidence of the damage that was done last weekend…